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Hi everyone. This is historical fantasy and 7k. Looking for comments on the thirteen or offers to read the whole thing.
Strips of blood red paper brushed Claudia’s shoulders as she entered the temple. Cold and quiet after the heat and noise of the street, the sanctum was thick with the smoke of four torches lining the walls of the circular room. Shadowy figures; two, maybe three flitted before her as she coughed, both to clear her throat of the smoke and to announce her arrival. No response from the priestesses.
Claudia bit back a tsk of annoyance and stepped further into the smoky depths. Something brushed her cheek and shoulder and she leaned away, catching it in her hand. A straw doll, crudely fashioned in the shape of Kalru, the barbarian god who would bring an end to the lies of the charioteer. She twisted the doll around on the string which suspended it from the
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Hey Monstewer, thanks for the post...reminded to jot some notes on a historic fantasy I have been playing with, caveman type stuff.
My feelings reading yours -
Nicely done, I like your writing.
quote: Shadowy figures; two, maybe three flitted before her as she coughed, both to clear her throat of the smoke and to announce her arrival. No response from the priestesses.
~Was a little unclear on this...I like the images, and assume the figures are the priesteseseses, but I wasn't completely sure.
quote:catching it in her hand. A straw doll
I really liked your prose here, but I think it was because it seemed disconnected, almost like two lines of poetry (I'm a big poetry fan) but as two lines in a story the straw doll intro either needed a different punctuation in the transition between the two lines, or the straw doll introduced with additional words. If that doesn't make sense I can try to explain it better, but reading as a story it seemed to jump and jitter a bit.
Otherwise...I can see why you are so often posting in the 'published' forum.
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It captured my attention, and I'm a sucker for witches and voodoo and stuff.
quote: Strips of blood red paper brushed Claudia’s shoulders as she entered the temple
Awkward. Stripes of blood red paper, doesn't make sense. How about, strips of blood-drenched paper.
quote: Cold and quiet after the heat and noise of the street, the sanctum was thick with the smoke of four torches lining the walls of the circular room.
The introductory clause is confusing and doesn't go well when juxtaposed with the previous sentence. Perhaps go with something a tad different. Cool air touched her sweaty skin, and the quietness was refreshing compared to the noisy street outside. Thick smoked filled the sanctum, coming from four torches that lined the walls of the circular room.
quote: Claudia bit back a tsk of annoyance and stepped further into the smoky depths
You could show the annoyance if you wanted to; although, there is nothing wrong with telling it. Claudia bit her lower lip, clenched her fists, and stepped further into the smoky depths.
quote: A straw doll, crudely fashioned in the shape of Kalru, the barbarian god who would bring an end to the lies of the charioteer.
This isn't a sentence, but I'm sure you know that. I would consider making it one since you just used a fragment in the last paragraph. The fragment is easily fixed by starting with, "It was a straw doll..."
posted
Lets see how 'sold a story a minute' man does it.
quote:Strips of blood red paper brushed Claudia’s shoulders as she entered the temple.
Is the paper soaked in blood or are you just descibing a color? If the later wouldn't deep red do? Blood red is a description that is more than a simple crayola color identification. I hope a striking creepy mood setter is what you are after.
quote: Cold and quiet after the heat and noise of the street, the sanctum was thick with the smoke of four torches lining the walls of the circular room.
I am playing catch up at this point. Where and why are questions that are not satisfied and I am beginning to wonder if I care enough to know why. A small nit on the smoky torches. Yes, oil soaked rags probably were widely used at this level of technology but competent builders probably had adequate venilation to combat this problem. My I suggest your MC smells the smoke instead of seeing it so thick. Thick smoke inside an enclosed space is a good reason to make a hasty exit.
quote: Shadowy figures; two, maybe three flitted before her as she coughed, both to clear her throat of the smoke and to announce her arrival. No response from the priestesses.
This place sounds as charming as a coalmine. Clearly their is more going on than what I can see at this point. part of that problem is the 13 line restrictiveness of this forum, the other part is yours.
I believe you starting too forward into this tale. Back up just a bit. Start with her in the noisy street in front of the temple. Also may I suggest you provide a hint of why she is about to enter the temple as well. Why is crucial for me. You have creepy down but it isn't enough at this point.
Another suggestion is you need to build on the milieu. Show a bit more detail when she walks into the temple. Surely she sees more than a smoky interior. Temples, churches, and other places of worship are filled with eyecatching things... Stain glassed windows, wooden pews, stone altars, sacrificial virgin girls...that type of thing.
Dig deeper, build higher
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited November 14, 2009).]
This description didn't seem to work for me, perhaps a different noun, 'ribbons, streamers?, or something crisper perhaps?
Otherwise, I found this very appealing. I would be glad to read this for you if you would like. I am pretty new to this and from what I have seen in 'Publications & Reviews' you are on a roll. I would like to see what I can do to help you with your winning streak.
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Intriguing! Not having a problem with the "strips of blood-red paper" either. The image is quite clear. Makes me think of those beads folks hung in doorways in the 60s or 70s. Man, I love those beads. Bummer I can't find any. Of course, your word choice creates the sinister feel of the scene immediately. I was rather surprised by the "annoyance" she feels, when I had expected fear. So, in other words, she's supposed to be here. She's expected. Guessing this is some sort of initiation or test or something.
Point is, I am interested to find out why she's in this creepy place, so please send the rest.
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Yeah I have no problem with the strips either. Nothing out-pulling or distracting...I'm happily waiting for whats going on to become more clear.
Go ahead and send it along (as usual) but just be warned I have a bit of a backlog.
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My only problem was a slight one: the mention of exactly four torches. This intro is quite heavy on description, so that seemed like an (at the moment) unnecessary detail.
posted
\Strips of blood red paper brushed Claudia’s shoulders as she entered the temple.\
I assume you mean the color is blood red and is meant to add to the violent or deadly atmosphere of the temple. I imagined that it was crepe paper hanging down and brushing her shoulders. I think maybe the distraction for me was that a visual was being described in the same thought as a touch (i.e. she sees the paper that is touching her shoulders with no real connection between the two). Perhaps if you rewrote the sentence to emphasize either the visual of blood, or rewrote to emphasize the feeling of the paper (like dripping blood?) it wouldn't be distracting. Just a thought.
\Cold and quiet after the heat and noise of the street, the sanctum was thick with the smoke of four torches lining the walls of the circular room. Shadowy figures; two, maybe three flitted before her as she coughed, both to clear her throat of the smoke and to announce her arrival. No response from the priestesses. \
Good for me. Kept reading.
/Claudia bit back a tsk of annoyance and stepped further into the smoky depths./
This distracted me. Since I was in her perspective and the description was one of doom and gloom, I had pictured her too frightened to be annoyed. Now I picture her as either very powerful or very skeptical, both of which completely go against what I imagined her before.
/Something brushed her cheek and shoulder and she leaned away, catching it in her hand. A straw doll, crudely fashioned in the shape of Kalru, the barbarian god who would bring an end to the lies of the charioteer. She twisted the doll around on the string which suspended it from the /
Interesting. We have a creepy temple and now a god who will destroy a lying charioteer. The introduction of the god was good for me, since we are in a temple. I was a bit surprised by the charioteer, maybe because I'm taking in so many new characters in one sentence. But I'd surely keep reading.
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