posted
I did something similar--but wasn't really happy with it, so I tried again.
Fried noodles with hot chilli. Some bite--that's what he needed. Jimmy clenched and unclenched his jaw as he watched the market vendor flip the noodles and stir-fry slivers of pork. Eating noodles at dawn in the night market was special. Because you like the violet light and the chill in the air; the crash and chatter of the market, and the promise dawn always brings with it—even though it's just a lie. Jimmy scowled to himself; it was because he liked the...lie, he decided. The vendor served the food in a chipped china bowl and, in a move worthy of kung-fu master, flicked a pair of chopsticks into the steaming noodles. “Fourteen sys-dollars, Sah-Si.” The vendor grinned, wrinkling up his ancient face. He nodded towards the flashing swiper-tech embedded in the counter's surface.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 25, 2009).]
posted
This is a slow burn start for sure, but well crafted and interesting enough for me to read on.
A couple things bothered me:
"Jimmy clenched and unclenched his jaw" - This feels like filler. Is this a reaction to being hungry?
"Jimmy scowled to himself" - This is one of those weird POV things where the POV character knows hes making a face because he can feel it (not see it), but the scowl is most certainly a visual thing, usually described by an observer.
I think you could cut both these lines. For me they don't add anything and the "to himself" stuff is a pet peeve of mine.
posted
I've had this bad habit lately of thinking of movies whenever I read a first 13. I thought of the vendor in Fifth Dimension here. lol
Back to the story: -I liked it, definately laid the scene out well.
-Isn't it Chili? With one L?
quote:Some bite--that's what he needed.
Some bite? Wasnt sure if you were saying he needed some food with a 'kick' as in spicy...or if bite was the POV description of food overall 'some food-that's what he needed.' Simply because bite, made me think of actually chewing.
quote:as he watched the market vendor flip the noodles and stir-fry slivers of pork. Eating noodles at dawn in the night market was special.
Can you just call him 'vendor'. It still effectively describes him and you mention 'market' as the overall scene in next sentence. Or calling him 'something' vendor can give reader a deeper description of him while still using 'market' in next sentence.
- Hook wise, I am interesting in the 'Lie' of dawn.
It take your point regarding the scowl and 'to himself'. I use 'Jimmy frowned...' a fair bit and people almost never comment on a frown or a smile being a step outside POV. Perhaps I should simply drop the 'to himself'.
quote:"Jimmy clenched and unclenched his jaw" - This feels like filler. Is this a reaction to being hungry?
Not sure if thats what he meant, but that is exactly what I thought. Like salivating in anticipation, as he smelled the foods. Because I thought that I liked the description. Of course if he was going for something else then I am way off base.
Then see my above comment. Maybe show internal tension another way, since the food and eating established in the 13 immediately made me think his jaw movement was related to that.
posted
Agreed, the jaw thing in close proximity to the food talk makes them seem related. Maybe make it an eye twitch or a fist clench or something instead.
posted
Fifth Dimension of Fifth Element? There's a chinese vendor in the Fifth Element.
It may be chili with a single L somewhere, but I have word set to UK English and it likes two Ls. In fact as type this on my mac it has underlines the above word 'chili' as a spelling error. I just do what the computer tells me to!
The '...some bite' sentence could be misinterpreted, I guess--now you mention. To be honest I shortened the sentence to get an extra line in the 13 lines. it originally read:
Something with some bite--that's what he needed.\
Thanks for reading and commenting.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 25, 2009).]
posted
I suppose the food and tension are related--we don't usually clench and unclench our jaws, unless we are tense. The fact he will soon eat gives him a sense that the food may relieve the tension he is feeling.
I am loathe to change that--and I do get you point--but I don't necessarily want to be obvious about his tension. The jaw clenching and unclenching and the jadedness of the 'dawn lie' are meant to be hints regarding his state of mind.
Perhaps it doesn't work as I intended. See if any others have a view on it.
posted
I'd keep reading. I'm getting a vaguely Blade-Runner-esque feeling from this, though less bleak in terms of character personality. It even has an Asian food vendor.
Points to ponder...
1. Separating the nervous behavior from the anticipation of food will make both clearer, or at least will clarify the nervous behavior. I use jaw clenching too, though, as a nervous behavior so I didn't immediately think it was related to the food, but the proximity to the food-related stuff made me pause.
2. I'm not a fan of artificial currency names. It's not One British Pound twenty pence, it's one pound twenty (correct me if I'm wrong, it's been a while since I was in London). Same in Canada, it's a dollar twenty, or a buck twenty, or just one twenty. Maybe he pays Five Sys-D's? I dunno.
3. I feel like I'm missing some of the visual impact of the market, and I'm mentally substituting in the Blade Runner street restaurant which (while it might be similar) isn't terrific for someone who has never seen Blade Runner. You spend a lot of words on food, when (I'm guessing) the vendor & food will disappear forever on page 2. Is it worth all those words?
Whoops... forgot to add, I'd keep reading. The prose is solid and the images my mind is generating generally pleasing to a PKD fan like myself.
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited November 25, 2009).]
posted
Blade-Runner-esque? i suppose it does. I hadn't considered that. Although Blade-runner doesn't start with that scene...
My story is very different...its about a group of androids--called replicants--who have returned to earth...oh wait--it is the same.
Nope, but it is a detective story and Jimmy is the detective.
I guess I'll need to consider if the similarity helps or hinders.
1. Enough people have mentioned this now--it needs to change. 2. In the UK we say, "One fine British pound with the Queen on, and a sparkling twenty pence piece with an even younger Queen on, please." Good point, but it was part of a network of clue that this wasn't Earth/present day. 3. The previous version had more market in it--but I wanted to get in his head a little more. Too much on the food? Will think about that.
Depending on what you are referring to and where you are, it can be chile, chili, or chilli. At the very least.
I'm sligtly irked by the talk of a "Blade Runner" feel just because it's written in English yet features noodles. It could be set, for all I know, in Los Angeles; in Vancouver; in London; in Bangkok; in Chengdu; in Yokohama... please, people, open your cultural eyes.
I didn't like the use of a semi-colon and then an ellipsis in the same sentence; I think the semicolon should be a period, and the ellipsis arguably should be before "the" rather than after it, though I can see what you are trying to get at (i.e., he wants to tell himself it's something else he likes, but you don't need the definite article attached to his failed hope; read it aloud with a pause for the ellipsis and I think you'll see what I mean.)
I'd read on but would hope for something further very soon - more about who the MC is, or why he is there, because at the moment there is no clue as to either what the story is about or why this is the start of it. Luckily you have a good hooky title and deft enough prose to keep me going for now.
posted
Hmmm... if memory serves, Blade Runner actually did take place in Los Angeles, though Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep is set in San Francisco. Culturally I'm reasonably diverse, at least gastronomically; on Monday I ate butter chicken for lunch, Bún Bò Huế for dinner, and wrapped up the night with a hot dog & beer at the hockey game I was attending. Actually I don't know if that makes me culturally sensitive or just a bit of a glutton. Edmonton is actually a pretty culturally diverse city, for all it's rural tendencies.
I picked up the Blade Runner feel from the hints of setting - night market & Asian food vendor, the lie of dawn intimating some form of dystopia, the chipped china bowl juxtaposing with the high technology of the card reader. Subtle hints, to be sure, but it's what caught my imagination lacking some more visible setting description.
As I appear to be the only person who made this connection, maybe I should stop watching Blade Runner reruns as often as I do. It's coloring my perception. Stupid AMC.
posted
Apologies if I came over harshly, it's just one of those things I see around alot and that tends to push my buttons.
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posted
I'd skip the food thing and get back to the loud squeal behind him, the thugs, and the victim vendor. Though I am a bit intrigued by the promise of the dawn.
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posted
I agree that just on a 13 lines basis that that intro was probably better, but in terms of the scene unfolding and establishing the seeds of character is it was flawed.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 26, 2009).]
Adamatom was commenting on that he preferred that one. I was just saying while that may have worked purely on a 13 line basis, it didn't work so well with the actual story.
posted
Here are my thoughts. Although it is a slow opening, I believe it works. It peeks my curiosity enough to keep me reading.
quote:Because you like the violet light and the chill in the air; the crash and chatter of the market, and the promise dawn always brings with it—even though it's just a lie
This line pulled me out of the story because of the word "you." Is this a quote? Did someone else say this to him in the past? If so I would make that clear before the quote. Or change "you like" to "he liked."
Perhaps to show his tension you can write something like. He flexed his jaw and fists then relaxed.
quote:Eating noodles at dawn in the night market was special. Because you like the violet light and the chill in the air; the crash and chatter of the market, and the promise dawn always brings with it—even though it's just a lie. Jimmy scowled to himself; it was because he liked the...lie, he decided.
Switching to italicise comes in the middle of a clause. It may have worked if this was 3rd person but not as a 3rd person. Makes the MC look as if he is narratating to the reader, I'm pretty sure that was not what you were after. A line like this would work better if he was saying to someone else, IMO.
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