Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » LISTENING OUT - Flash Fiction

   
Author Topic: LISTENING OUT - Flash Fiction
TLH
Member
Member # 8897

 - posted      Profile for TLH   Email TLH         Edit/Delete Post 
Hi all,

The first 13 lines of a piece of Flash Fiction I completed about a week ago. I thought I'd post it as my first bit of fiction on here. Anyone who wants to read the full thing, let me know and I will email it to you.
This is a first run, so it is a little rough. But it has a little bit of a twist and is less than 1000 words, which is what I was aiming for.

LISTENING OUT

I have wet hands, and I am panting. Im sweating. I have a drink of cold water and steady myself by controlling my breathing. My heart slows down to its regular rhythm and I start to relax.
I start to feel normal again.
Noises from next door. The walls are pretty good at concealing the sounds of other residents in the block, but not that good. Theyre perhaps a little thin in places, letting the odd sound come through here and there. Its an old building.
Shes in there. I wonder if shes just doing the general things like tidying up, or fetching herself a drink, or getting the dinner ready. Maybe shes just banging around in there to let someone on the other side know shes still here.


Let me know what you think.


Regards,

Tony.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 30, 2009).]


Posts: 10 | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Phobos
Member
Member # 8883

 - posted      Profile for Phobos   Email Phobos         Edit/Delete Post 
kinda creepy. I didn't like the present tense at first but then it started to wear on me. I am not sure if I could endure it for long, but then again maybey I could. Sorry I couldn't be of more help. This one gave me mixed feelings.
Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TLH
Member
Member # 8897

 - posted      Profile for TLH   Email TLH         Edit/Delete Post 
Hi there. I know it is a creepy piece, and it is quite dark toward the end. I think that keeping it flash length was just right. I think it might be a bit too wierdo for much longer than 1000 words.

Regards,

Tony.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ScardeyDog
Member
Member # 8707

 - posted      Profile for ScardeyDog   Email ScardeyDog         Edit/Delete Post 
The first paragraph seems off to me, but I can't figure out why. If you're still looking for readers send it on.
Posts: 238 | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TLH
Member
Member # 8897

 - posted      Profile for TLH   Email TLH         Edit/Delete Post 
Phobos and Scaredydog:

I have emailed you both the story if you wish to have a read and let me know what you think.

Regards,

Tony.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ScardeyDog
Member
Member # 8707

 - posted      Profile for ScardeyDog   Email ScardeyDog         Edit/Delete Post 
I still haven't recieved this - you might want to send it again.
Posts: 238 | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
g33ky monk3y
Member
Member # 8896

 - posted      Profile for g33ky monk3y   Email g33ky monk3y         Edit/Delete Post 
I'd like to read it if you want to send it.

I kind of agree though, the first couple of lines seem off. Can't put my finger on it.


Posts: 20 | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ScardeyDog
Member
Member # 8707

 - posted      Profile for ScardeyDog   Email ScardeyDog         Edit/Delete Post 
Ok, got it this time. I'll try to get it back to you by the end of the weekend.
Posts: 238 | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2