posted
Cinders rewrite with a WOTF safe working title
quote:Shaun wiped his forearm across his brow leaving a dark trail of sweat on his tan sleeve. The sun was at its high point and the rich green foliage lining the canyon riverbed craned skyward like baby birds waiting for momma bird to feed them. He smiled to himself, remembering that many years before the entire tropical region had been part of a desert country known as Iraq. Thousands of years before that, and a reason for the expedition, the region was known as Mesopotamia--the birthplace of civilization.
Eva kneeled next to him and topped off her water pack. The morning dew that melted into the sky left its steam on her body too. Visions from their equally sweaty night together stirred him. A nearly audible moan slipped past his smile.
posted
Can't say that it hooked me. Is the exposition in the second half of the first paragraph really necessary?
Posts: 78 | Registered: Sep 2009
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quote:Shaun wiped his forearm across his brow leaving a dark trail of sweat on his tan sleeve.[[While I can appreciate vivid prose. This didn't seem to have much relevance and in a way didn't even seem to ring true. Unless he had a half-liter of sweat somehow I don't see how it would make that sort of a mark. ]] The sun was at its highest point and the rich green foliage lining the canyon riverbed craned skyward like baby birds waiting for momma bird to feed them[[I am having a really hard time envisioning this. How does foliage along the river crane skyward?]]. He smiled to himself, remembering that many years before thethis entire tropical region had been part of a desert country known as Iraq. Thousands of years before that, and a reason for the expedition, the region was known as Mesopotamia--the birthplace of civilization. Eva kneeled next to him and topped off her water pack. The morning dew that melted into the sky left its steam on her body too. [[???]]Visions from their equally sweaty night together stirred him. A nearly audible moan slipped past his smile.
Besides some logic issues, this intro seemed a bit disjoined. To me, there are three distinct parts. 1)Introduction to the scenerey 2)A clue of the story and its relevance 3) a hint to last night and the recent history shared by the two characters
I would recomend dropping the first paragraph and simply weave the imagery into the prose. I would start with the lady getting the water:
As she bent to fill her canteen, he admired her lovely body. Flashbacks of the night they shared together brought a smile to his face. His attention shifted to the lush vegetation. It was hard to imagine that this country, Iraq, had once been entirely desert. Even harder to believe that this had once been even before that the birthplace of civilization.....
Anyway that is a rough example of how the logical flow might be. Just my two cents worth. I was a little intruiged but I am not that big of a fan of timetravel stuff.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited January 24, 2010).]
posted
err...yeah I must have done a bad job if you thought this was a time travel piece and not far future.
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posted
I got that its far future, and althought its not a type of story, from this tiny bit anyway thats extremely interesting to me, I personally think its quite well executed.
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posted
I suppose my inference was not all too warranted. I was led to believe that via the subtle clues that they were coming back to study an ancient culture which I took to be first hand, but looking back I can see my error in thought.
It was in no way bad. I just think that honing this and making the prose more concise will serve to make this more publishable. On the otherhand If you followed my advice, you might get several comments telling you to write it the opposite way(the way you had originally) So I am basically just giving you some things to think about. Being able to defend your logic is important. My questions should just serve to keep you on your toes
I hope I didn't come across too negative. I am a little sleepy.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited January 24, 2010).]
posted
No Bent, all comments are welcome. Just was surprised by the time travel bit. your nits on prose are not unwarranted there was a voice that was well recieved (by some) in my contest entry and i am trying to expand that voice through out the story, while dealing with other nits about the relationships of eva and shaun and the likeability factor of shaun.
thanks again for looking at it and offering your comments.
posted
I had no problem understanding this was far future. I'm not bothered by the way this starts, but Bent Tree has a point. If you can find a way to weave the description and explanation into the action, that might improve the opening. (Just make sure, seeing as this is for WotF, you include a speculative element very early).
Other thoughts: Does it matter that the sleeve is tan? If not, I'd cut it. I'd also cut the baby bird metaphor, which seems out of place, and let your description of the foliage stand on its own. Also, I'm pretty sure dew evaporates, not melts.
posted
I don't think steam is visible in warm temperatures. I thought that when you see steam it means there's a very mild sort of condensation happening, and that condensation happens when the air is a lot cooler than the temperature of the vapor.
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posted
I'm intrigued by this, but barely (at least as it is written). I'd read on.
craned skyward like baby birds waiting for momma bird to feed them
I don't get this very well, unless you need rain, which you might do if it's so hot.
A nearly audible moan slipped past his smile.
This types of phrases always confuse me.
near⋅ly [neer-lee] Show IPA –adverb 1. all but; almost: nearly dead with cold.
Nearly audible? So, it wasn't really audible to anybody? Almost audible? Then why mention it? Either it happened and it was "low" or it didn't. That's the way I see it, but of course, it is a personal preference: something about phrases like that don't compute in my head, as I imagine your scene.
[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited January 25, 2010).]
posted
my first draft (of the rewrite) for this Cinders story is complete...anyone interested in taking a looksee?
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I'd agree with the general consensus here. For me, the flashback about Iraq/Mesopotamia is far too early; it doesn't seem a natural point for Shaun to be thinking about the history of the place (i.e. why does he think about these facts at that precise moment?) It seems to be for reader benefit rather than the natural result of POV. Of course, getting across info is always tricky, but I think it's safer to put in later.
I'd agree the metaphor isn't warranted at this stage and the writing could be a tad tighter.
Anyway, I'll take a look once I'm back home (March 8th or thereabouts) if you can wait.
posted
Thanks Nick...the story has been rewritten since that original first thirteen. I appreciate your offer to check it out...let me know when you get back and i will ship it off to you.
Posts: 710 | Registered: Oct 2009
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