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Author Topic: The EVERGROVE
trailmix
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Hello Everyone,
I have finally completed the first draft of a short story that I have been working on for way too long. Here are the first 13. Some of you may recognize them (or some variation of them). I have posted the first 13 previously. I am looking for a couple people to read and critique the first draft. It is about 3600 words.

First 13:

Laraleth walked amongst the trees of the Evergrove with a basket on her hip and a scroll containing the days scheduled harvests tucked into her rope belt. Mortal souls hung like fruit from the branches of the Lineage Trees, some silver, some gold, some round, some oblong, some shimmering and some dull. Many Grove Tenders, similarly outfitted, moved from tree to tree harvesting the fruit in accordance with their schedules ensuring none fell to the ground lest the soul be lost forever. Each soul harvested would be recycled and born anew in the expansive canopy of the Evergrove.

Laraleth took a moment to consult her schedule. She stopped at the Keegan bloodline’s tree and pressed her hands against its smooth trunk, stretching out her senses, caressing each fruit, gleaning mortal emotions as she went.

Second Version of First 13:

Laraleth strolled amongst the trees of the Evergrove with a basket on her hip. Mortal souls hung like fruit from the branches of the Lineage Trees, some silver, some gold, some round, some oblong, some shimmering and some dull. The huge branches above wove together in a lush canopy joining where mortal bloodlines merged. Many Grove Tenders, similarly outfitted, moved from tree to tree harvesting the fruit. Laraleth was reminded of bees collecting nectar for their queen. Would that make the Overwatcher our queen? A grin flashed across her face at the thought but she did not think anyone noticed.

Laraleth unfurled the scroll she had tucked in her rope belt to consult the days schedule of harvests. She stopped at the

[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited February 17, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 17, 2010).]


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JenniferHicks
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I like it. Intriguing idea.

I was confused about the last sentence in the first paragraph. Why go to the trouble of harvesting souls if you're just going to recycle them like soda cans? I'm sure that's not what you mean, but that was the image that came to my mind. Maybe you could work on clarifying.

I have a story ready for critique, too, so would you like to trade?


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trailmix
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I mean to fix that line but haven't come up with anything I like better.

How long is your story? I do have some spare time this week to critique as long as it isn't too long.

[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited February 15, 2010).]


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trailmix
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I really could use at least one more reader for my story. Its 3600 words. Any brave souls out there willing to give it a whirl?


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Dropbear
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I'll read it.
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genevive42
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I'll read.
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trailmix
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genevive42,

I just got back a round of critique and have ideas for the revision to incorporate. if you are still interested in reading once the next version is completed I would be grateful for your opinion.

To those of you that critiqued my work, thank you very much for your opinions. I definitely think your insight will make this a far better story than it would have been otherwise.


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genevive42
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Send it whenever you're ready.
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