*Edit* For the life of me, I can't get this story to work. It's complete at 4,000 words. I've tried changing to 3rd person in the hope of inspiring something, but it just doesn't seem to work.
Anyway, I would love a reader.
Regards,
Nick
Version one
quote:The eyes of the last condemned man were bright with pain. After a quick glance over my shoulder, I put a sprig of hurt-balm under his stone-rigid tongue. His eyes dulled and I busied myself cutting out his heart. The still-beating heart went on the table with a wet squelch, next to the other organs readied for Lesser God Wu. With a small incantation, hidden behind a cough, I let the last man die quicker than allowed. The old organs inside Wu's chest had almost atrophied into dust and he smelled of abandoned spaces and old paper. One heart, a pair of lungs and a kidney; replacements for the old immortal.
Version two
quote:As I removed his heart from his chest, I couldn't help but look into the eyes of the condemned man. They were filled with pleading. After a quick glance over my shoulder to make sure no one watched, I put a dollop of hurt-balm under his tongue. The drug dulled the pain and I finished the job. The still-beating heart went on the table with a soft, wet sound, next to the other organs readied for Lesser God Wu. A whispered incantation let him die quicker than the Gods allowed. It did little to salve my conscience. A necessary murder, but murder none the less. I opened the cardboard box which formed Wu's chest. The old organs inside had almost atrophied into dust and he smelled of abandoned spaces and old paper.
Version three
quote:The condemned man jerked his hood-covered head as Sarah made the last cut to remove his heart. Damn it, she couldn’t let him suffer like this, no matter what the ritual demanded. She searched for her hurt balm. As she went through her pockets, he moaned and a great stone of dread dropped into her gut. Cain? It couldn’t be. She removed the hood and there was no mistaking his eyes. They were golden from sclera to pupil. She’d cut the heart out of her mortal half-brother. She pulled the hoods off the two sacrifices she’d already filleted to provide Lesser God Wu with new hearts. Two ordinary strangers with their tongues ripped out. What had she done?
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited April 07, 2010).]
posted
I'm a newbie so this is basically my impressions as a reader.
I'm ok with gore - come with two semesters of dissecting cadavers lol
Effectiveness of ist line: Nice visual but kinda vague. Also I don't feel any mood or tone in the style of the sentence. I'm not sure it should be an opening line. Doesn't grab me yet.
1st paragraph: the first two line don't really connect well fro me. I had to think about what was happening. I think you see the scene in your mind - but I have no idea what you are really seeing! Just look at the first two lines - imagine what new reader would interpret just from those lines. Are you seeing things that the reader doesn't? The rest was pretty cool and gets very interesting - didn't understand the cough thing. also can you have a sprig of blam (why not just call it balm), and why is his tongue rigid? What am I not seeing/knowing that you see/know?
2nd pargrah: reads great, just a few comments on details. though i'm not sure the smell is right - dead bodies really stink. sweet sickli putrid stink. Mildew doesnt even come close. Also kinda pointless to use immortal considering he's being resurrected.
Overall: In toto I know what;s happening, it interesting, and intriguing. The only thing is I dont sense any mood or tone. Body parts itself don't make it horrific. The narrators thoughts or feelings about what he is doing or seeing. Right now the MC is offering a recipe. works if your MC is a cold psychopath. They dont react to emotions.
You have a good hook here - not only am I wondering where this is all going, but there is some tension here with an obviously conflicted MC.
Nit:
quote:The still-beating heart went on the table with a soft, wet sound, next to the other organs readied for Lesser God Wu. A whispered incantation let him die quicker than the Gods allowed.
I am easily distracted, and "let him die" had me wonder briefly whether you meant Lesser God Wu. Obviously, you meant the condemned man, but it still interrupted my reading. Consider changing "him" to "the man".
Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
I keep thinking that if a job is worth doing, it's worth doing well.
I actually thought the first version was more vivid (aside from "bright with pain" statement which is too ambiguous). Also, it is sprig and balm do not work together unless the balm is made from the sprig. I think dollop was a good substitution. The cardboard box mentioned in the second version was intriguing and opened up a broader direction to the story, but I didn't need that.
No, the problem I have is that if killing that man is worth doing, it's worth doing well.
I get that the narrator is sympathetic towards the victim (I think that is apparent in both versions). However, if the narrator believes in these gods so much that he's willing to kill, why doesn't he believe in them enough to follow their rules? He can still sympathize, he can want to add the dollop of balm, he can want to ease the victim on into death, but wouldn't/shouldn't the devout follower grit his teeth and bear it?
So you have a question of verisimilitude. You also have to walk that fine line of making the narrator do the horrific but still be sympathetic to the reader.
I'd read on, but the story seems weaker than it could be.
quote:However, if the narrator believes in these gods so much that he's willing to kill, why doesn't he believe in them enough to follow their rules? He can still sympathize, he can want to add the dollop of balm, he can want to ease the victim on into death, but wouldn't/shouldn't the devout follower grit his teeth and bear it?
I disagree. The way it was written made me think that perhaps the MC does not believe in these gods so much, but there is probably another reason he does what he does. To protect his family? To prevent it from being himself donating organs? I don't know, but I was curious enough to wonder.
Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2010
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The area you're writing in, is probably not my strong suit. But, with that said, the second version came across in a more readable tone and with more emotion.
My impression, as a reader, it seemed too compacted, maybe needing more room. It was more like the synopsis for the first couple of pages. After the second reading, I could follow it. I didn't understand the "why" for the body-parts changes, except it was to sacrifice one being to save another one of a similiar but different type.
Which you might now guess, for me there was no hook, no buy-in to the introduction. It's not bad, but I think, if you gave it some more room and allowed it to breath a little, it might be all right.
Good luck, Bob.
[This message has been edited by Robert Brady (edited March 04, 2010).]
posted
Wow. Nick, great 2nd version. It's really good.
The only thing that made be pause was that the "card-board box that was Wu's Chest" was ambiguous to me. Is it a real cardboard box or a description of Wu's ribcage opening like the flaps of a cardboard box? Is being real cardboard the reason why it smells like old paper in there?
Otherwise, all of it works really well. It captures that atmosphere of dark forboding, and the prose is very vivid and clear.
Good work, man.
But keep in mind that my eye's aren't fresh to this work anymore - I already have my own mind's view to refer to. You'll need fresh eyes to find where the new version doesn't work.
One thing that caught me was the look over the shoulder so no one was looking - makes me wonder where he is. I assumed he was in a private room, or underground place, away from prying eyes - but is he in public?
[This message has been edited by billawaboy (edited March 05, 2010).]
Thanks for the feedback. Got to sit on this one while I work on some other projects, so I won't post an updated 1st 13 until I get the chance to re-examine the story.
I swear I read those each several times and liked something from each, the problem is the each seem to be leading me in a different direction. Depending on where the story goes, personal betrayal, betrayal of the God or personal remorse over family each of those would work with a little adjustment.
posted
Rather grisly, but the reference to the Wu character is a deliberate concealment of information, and it slightly annoyed me. I want to find out more about this character, but something tells me he won't be described in full detail until much later. You should leave him out of the hook, imo.
Posts: 30 | Registered: Mar 2010
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posted
Nick, This is not my forte, but here is a thought. I really like the last version of your intro, and if you could incorporate the part from the previous version about is being "a murder, yet a necessary murder" it would be all the more interesting to me.
posted
Do me a favor, and please stick with Version 2. In my opnion, I did not like number 3, only because Sarah swore when she thought she shouldnt be doing what she was doing. In Version 2, im predicting a ritual, and seeing men sentecned to death dying horrible deaths. And organs in a cardboard box? Funny, really, I liked that part. I would also like to know who Wu is, and overall, what this story is about. I dont wanna hear about some person feeling bad about a ritual being done. why didnt she think about it BEFORE it had started. Evil guys dont think badly about what they have done or what they are doing. They think its right. With version 2, I think that. That is all I have to say, and that is just my opinion.
Posts: 15 | Registered: Apr 2010
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posted
Thanks everyone. Like a lot of my stories lately, this one's a dud. Into the recycle bin it goes...
Posts: 712 | Registered: Jun 2008
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