My twin sat next to me on the dusty crate, silent and concerned. She didnít have a name, not that I knew of anyway. I thought up the name Jane one day not long after she first appeared. I thought Jane sounded nice and went well with Julia, which was my name. Jane and Julia, sisters and best friends forever. It would have been nice if Jane could speak or at least be seen by someone else. But I suppose thatís the nature of a ghost. Jane often kept me company in the cellar, which was where Sarah chose to keep me as a punishment. I was getting so tired of this crap but too terrified to go to the authorities and definitely too scared to confront Sarah face to face. My seriously psycho mother was entirely too capable of nearly anything for me to feel safe in going to the cops.
Posts: 36 | Registered: Mar 2010
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Is it going to be a short story, or a novel/novella? This particular area is for short stories.
That aside, I like it quite a lot. Great voice. Such a matter of fact approach to such strange things. I will say that "twin" and "ghost" aren't quite meshing with each other, but that dissoance is, to me, interesting in and of itself.
quote:My twin sat next to me on the dusty crate, silent and concerned. [[By saying that she is concerned, I feel it has broken the POV]]She didnít have a name, not that I knew of anyway. I thought up the name Jane one day not long after she first appeared. I thought Jane sounded nice and went well with Julia, which was my name. Jane and Julia, sisters and best friends forever. [[This seemed word, a simple,"Jane sounded nice, it went well with mine. Jane and Julie--best friends forever." would suffice and eliminate needless words.]]It would have been nice if Jane could speak or at least be seen by someone else. But I suppose thatís the nature of a ghost.I am feeling the desire to have more eloboration on the ghost aspect here. As it was the ghost sprang from nowhere and felt like you were witholding information. Jane often kept me company in the cellar, which was where Sarah chose to keep me as a punishment. I was getting so tired of this crap but too terrified to go to the authorities and definitely too scared to confront Sarah face to face. My seriously psycho mother was entirely too capable of nearly anything for me to feel safe in going to the cops.
I really liked the premise here. It had a very fresh and creative situation, based on the premise I would want to continue reading, but the arrangement and prose hindered this piece.
Primarily, I feel that their is a great deal of excess wordiness. Try to focus on crisp and punchy sentences which are really deeply anchored in the POV aof the MC. Afterall this is afirst berson account. We know the subject of the ideas and sentences related to the POV so you don't have to resort to "I" so often. As readers we will comfortably rest in your POV if it is presented strengthfully.
On the arrangement of Ideas; I think the order is a bit off in this. The fact of the Twin being a ghost felt like a "Surprise!" this is a device I don't personally care for. It makes me feel that the author is taking me for a ride rather than providing a strong vantage point that I can get into and get into the flow of the plot on my own.
This begining didn't strike me as the moment of incitement. In other words,this felt like a typical situation in the day of the MC. I feel a story should begin with an event that changed the perception of a character, a moment the character becomes engaged in the story ahead. This moment almost always begins with a conflict or a situation that changes the characters way of thinking and leads them on a journey to restore balance to themselves.
I really liked this premise as I mentioned, but I recomend imagining the story you are about to tell us, and finding the right moment to begin the story, then tell it as strongly as you can from the MC's viewpoint. Then I promise you will have every reader willing to take the journey with you.
Best of luck, happy writing, I would be glad to look over your entire story if you are not in a terrible hurry.
I guess I did post this in the wrong forum (short stories). Oops. How do I remedy that?
Thanks so much for the feedback. I will work on changes.
I have been having trouble in finding a way to begin the story...it's been changed many times.
If you are interested in reading what I have so far, I can send it to you.(just tell me how I do that) It is very incomplete...ie some of my thoughts are not completely realized. Some chapters are also more like outlines with only some completeness...I also don't have enough dialogue.
I will be glad to look over what you have. I may be able to held you decide on the moment of incitement, if you are wanting to try to find the beginning. Send it over and let me know what youar goals are.
Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
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I like the premise, but when I read these lines the first time, something about them bothered me. Took me a few more reads to figure it out. There's a lot of telling going on here and no showing. Start with some sort of action and fold the important information into the narrative.
Instead of telling that Jane is a ghost whom only Julia can see, show her walk through a solid object. Depending on what objects she walks through and how you describe the other surroundings, you make it clear they're in a cellar and, in the process, also put the reader in the cellar with them. Instead of telling about psycho mother Sarah, open your scene with her coming down the stairs and ... well, doing whatever she does that makes it clear she's Julia's mother and a psycho.
Bent Tree...how do I send it to you? via e-mail? Thanks and no hurry.
JenniferHicks- Thanks, I did originally have a prologue with more action (which got lost on a fried computer). I've thought about doing that with this as well... I've moved this over to the novel section (which I made some minor changes, thank you Bent Tree, and plan to make more) You'll see what I wrote there...along the same lines - needs more action.
JenniferHicks has something there. Maybe you could start the scene with Julia at the top of the stairs as Sarah locks her in - we could even get a quick impression of Sarah without Julia having to tell us. Echoing lots of other people - I like the premise.
Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007
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I could have moved it for you, Posie 70, but I see that you've started a new topic in the Novels area, so I hope people will go there now.
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