He tried to ease in to the left turning lane, but his mind was spinning with chaos. He extended a tremulous hand forward to turn on his blinker. His forearms spasmed with the restless nerve-chaos of withdrawal, and the cigarette between his fore and middle fingers dropped to the dilapidated floormat of his old Toyota. It was only one of a hundred instances of cigarette burns in the cloth interior as a result of his addiction, and he cursed softly, stamping it out with the heel of his shoe. He was too busy and occupied to worry about the state of his vehicle. He was within a half mile of re-upping.
Derek was a pillhead. He'd tried every pill under the sun.
--------------------------
This is one of the darkest stories I've written, but it was my first attempt at writing about drug addiction in a character's mind and body, and what they would experience. This is actually a paranormal horror story. If you're interested, please let me know.
[This message has been edited by Violent Harvest (edited March 11, 2010).]
posted
It's crisp, clear, and says what it eeds to say. As a scene, I have no complaints with it whatsoever.
As an opening... it doesn't feel like the start of anything. It introduces us to the character, but it doesn't introduce us to the character's story. There's no moment of change here, no hint of forthcoming change. This is just something that happens to the MC that appears unremarkable (for him), part of his normal exstence. So why have you chosen to start the story here?
posted
I tried to think of what a withdrawing addict might be thinking about or feeling as he's on his way to get his fix ---- this story is around five thousand words and I completely agree that the direction of the story isn't clear or concise with the opening.
Sometimes my character development can start off a little slow, and although normally I would set the stage by focusing on setting or plot elements, the twists and directions that this story takes are very different and original from anything that I've done before.
I don't want to ruin it for you, but this actually turns in to a vampire story, believe it or not.
posted
I like the first passage, although for some reason the word "tremulous" jumps out at me, as if it doesn't fit with the style of the rest of the paragraph. Otherwise, I've got a clear picture. I see that the guy's a drug addict, on his way to his dealer.
And then the second paragraph tells me this. I'm taken out of the story. So, not a fan of that part.
posted
The writing is good, but I feel like you are beating us over the head with the fact that he is a drug addict.
quote:Derek's hands wouldn't stop shaking. He tried to ease in to the left turning lane, but his mind was spinning with the chaos that only comes with true chemical dependency. He extended a tremulous hand forward to turn on his blinker. His forearms spasmed with the restless nerve-chaos of withdrawal, and the cigarette between his fore and middle fingers dropped to the dilapidated floormat of his old Toyota. It was only one of a hundred instances of cigarette burns in the cloth interior as a result of his addiction, and he cursed softly, stamping it out with the heel of his shoe. He was too busy and occupied to worry about the state of his vehicle. He was within a half mile of re-upping.
Derek was a pillhead. He'd tried every pill under the sun.
I bolded all the times you came right out and stated he has a drug addiction. I suggest cutting all of it except maybe one reference. Trust your readers, we get it.
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited March 11, 2010).]
posted
Thank you sir. To be honest, my audience when I originally wrote this is a little less sophisticated than the writers here. I was attempting to appease rabid, horror-hungry bloggers, rather than other authors.
I think this hook could be a little more potent, but I'm glad it conveys what it was meant to. Better to have overdone it than to not have accomplished it at all.
posted
I like it. I think addiction/withdrawl is a thing such as befits being a bit "overdone." We're in his POV, and chances are at this time its nearly or completely impossible for him to think of anything else.
Voice is great. Truthfully the only thing resembling a complaint I could make is theres no speculative element nor sign of immediate "conflict"...although really, on reflection again the addiction/withdrawal itself is a conflict of sorts. I think that, for those who would be interested in it anyway the voice and atmosphere will be hook enough.
posted
As Tchernabyelo stated, I think it’s a scene, not a hook at the moment. It’s pretty well written and I’d keep reading, but it doesn’t shake me by the lapels and demand to be read. I’d give it a chance because it’s clear and has voice, but I’d expect to see something more very soon. I don’t disagree with Merlion that the protag’s would be thinking about scoring all the time, but the way you’ve written didn’t put me in the protag’s head regarding the addiction. It came across (to me) as not trusting the reader rather than capturing the relentless rhythms of addiction. Regardless of your intended audience, I think it’s always wise to treat them as intelligent and discerning. The language may change to suit the background or expectations of the audience, but I’m of the opinion that you only need to tell them something once (not that I don’t do it in my own writing). I would suggest instead that you can have multiple actions displaying his desperation and restlessness and that would illustrate the nature of his addiction. The theme and parallels of vampirism and addiction are pretty well worn, but you’ve probably got the stylistic chops to put a fresh spin on it.
quote: He extended a tremulous hand forward to turn on his blinker.
As noted, I don’t think tremulous fits the voice of the piece. How about the simpler “trembling”?
quote:His forearms spasmed with the restless nerve-chaos of withdrawal (
This, to me, is overdoing it. If we make the observation he’s a junky, the spasm is self-explanatory.
quote: Derek was a pillhead. He'd tried every pill under the sun.
Apart from the redundant overstatement, this makes me worry you’re going to launch into backstory. When the opening paragraph is more of a scene, I’d avoid backstory for quite a while. Posts: 712 | Registered: Jun 2008
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