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Author Topic: The First Flame, Fantasy, 4600 words
Meredith
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This was my entry for the February trigger challenge. As you can see from the word count, there's considerable new material. And a new ending (for those who hated the previous ending ).

Anyone want to read it? Or just pick apart the first 13?

quote:
Dorata looked around the great hall in dismay. Everything was unnaturally quiet. Even the children were solemn. The men were drinking much more than they were eating. Her father would never have permitted that, especially not on the eve of battle. But her father wasn’t here. He was lying in his chamber behind the hall with a spear wound in his gut. And his men were drinking to keep themselves from realizing that it would probably be the same for them tomorrow.

Dorata couldn’t take up her father’s sword and lead these men. Even if she could lift it, she would never be permitted to fight. Not until all the men were dead. Then the women could fight in whatever way they could to try to delay their inevitable fate. As dispirited as the fighting men were, that


Second Version

quote:
Dorata looked around the great hall. Everything was unnaturally quiet. Even the children were solemn. The men were drinking too much, ignoring the food set before them in favor of swift oblivion. Her father would never have permitted that, especially on the eve of battle. But her father wasn’t here. He was lying in his chamber behind the hall racked with fever from the spear wound in his gut. His men drank to keep from thinking about facing a similar fate tomorrow. They had no hope.

What could she do? Even if she could lift it, Dorata couldn’t take up her father’s sword and lead these men. Well, then, she would just have to use the gifts the gods had given her. These men needed a leader. Gravin could give them that


Third Version:

quote:
Dorata looked around the great hall. Everything was unnaturally quiet. Even the children were solemn. The men were drinking too much, ignoring the food set before them in favor of swift oblivion. Her father would never have permitted that, especially on the eve of battle. But her father wasn’t here. He was lying in his chamber behind the hall racked with fever from the spear wound in his gut. His men drank to keep from thinking about facing a similar fate tomorrow. They had no hope.

Even if she could lift her father’s sword, she couldn’t lead these men into battle. They would never follow a woman. Well, then, she would just have to use the gifts the gods had given her. These men needed a leader. Her cousin Gravin could


Fourth Version:

quote:
Dorata looked around the great hall. The room unnaturally quiet, despite the number of people assembled there. Even the children were solemn. The men were drinking too much, ignoring the food set before them in favor of swift oblivion. Her father would never have permitted that on the eve of battle, but her father wasn’t here. He was lying in his chamber behind the hall racked with fever from the wound in his gut. Bertan Dragonslayer, felled by a puny skraeling with a flint-tipped spear. His men drank to keep from thinking about facing a similar fate tomorrow. They had no hope.

Even if she could lift her father’s sword, these warriors would never follow a woman into battle. Well, then, she would just have to use the gifts the gods had given her. These men



[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited March 20, 2010).]


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Merlion-Emrys
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Send it to me please. It may take me a few days or so though.
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snapper
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Is this the same dragon story? It is so different, narration, characters, tone, mood, that it can't be. You have me worried.

quote:
Dorata looked around the great hall in dismay.

Cut 'in dismay'. Not needed. You shown that effectively without it and with it in it makes the opening kind of cliche.

quote:
Everything was unnaturally quiet. Even the children were solemn.

Now this is a mood setter!

quote:
The men were drinking much more than they were eating.

consider...
The men chose to fill their bellies with drink rather than food.

Don't know if it improves it at all.

quote:
Her father would never have permitted that, especially not on the eve of battle. But her father wasn’t here. He was lying in his chamber behind the hall with a spear wound in his gut.

cut the 'not' but other than that I like it.

quote:
And his men were drinking to keep themselves from realizing that it would probably be the same for them tomorrow.

Supposition on your MC part. Consider something like...

The men were drinking to keep from thinking they were about to share her fathers fate

Blah! Worse. Maybe you can see where I'm heading with it and improve it.

quote:
Dorata couldn’t take up her father’s sword and lead these men.

Watch the negative statements. Try and replace them whenever possible. Instead of 'couldn't' try 'wished she could'

Don't know where you are headed with this. Perhaps you threw out the other story but are keeping the title.


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Meredith
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quote:
Is this the same dragon story? It is so different, narration, characters, tone, mood, that it can't be. You have me worried.

Actually, it is. But now it's a story within a story.

Edited to add:
And I'm probably going to have to change the title, but I haven't come up with a new one, yet.

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited March 17, 2010).]


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Foste
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I'll give it a read.
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KayTi
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Hi Meredith -
I can't offer to read the whole thing, but here are a few comments for you to consider on the opening. As always, take what works, leave the rest!

1) Disconnect with it being quiet but the men were drinking more than eating. It's just a wording issue, though, because I can absolutely see a kind of quiet drinking to excess, a morose fatalistic hopeless kind of thing. I think you could find a way to paint this mood a little better, in a way that wouldn't make readers stop and say "wait a sec - most of the time when people drink they get LOUD..."

2) Is the father's spear wound fatal? is he dying? I get that he has a wound, but what I'm missing is how bad this is. The men being morose because their king (?) is laid up w/a wound is clear, but I don't know how serious it is so I can't quite put my head around why the men are so mopey.

3) The "not until all the men were dead" part was a little weird to me. I'm trying to put my finger on why, but it just stuck out oddly. I think it might help here to introduce some idea of who they're fighting against, as I feel like not knowing makes me not quite care yet. I'd say this is my biggest concern with the opening - I don't yet know why I should care. I'm sure I should, just give me some more to hang onto. Give me more of a sense of Dorota, or maybe even her history? "Even as a little girl Dorota had been fascinated with swordplay and fighting, playing mock matches with the kitchen staff's children in the large ivy-covered courtyard. But that had changed when she reached some important age or milestone. After that, her father had forbidden her. But she practiced anyway. Not with his big heavy sword that she could hardly lift, but with a light sword built for a squire. She'd had to bribe the smithy with an extra pumpkin to get him to hone it down as sharp as any knight's blade....

Anyway - strictly ideas, just to get you thinking. Good luck with this!!


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Bent Tree
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I very much enjoyed the premise I see developing here. The voice, however seems a little off--distant perhaps? I will be glad to look over your entire story, but at this point, I would have to ask for a swap. I have five stories with deadlines at the end of the month and I am in desperate need of some to read.

If you are up for it send it along.


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NoTimeToThink
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The Second Version is an improvement.
The first paragraph is more concise.
The second paragraph is interesting. In the original version (with first-13 limitations), the situation seemed hopeless - she's a woman, she's helpless, they won't let her fight, and they're all going to die - it seemed such a forgone conclusion, I didn't see any reason to read further. In the second version, there is hope that things might work out, a speculative element is introduced, Dorata actually seems like an active character instead of an automatic victim, and so I'm interested enough to read further.

quote:
What could she do? <I'd lose the first sentence> Even if she could lift it, Dorata couldn’t take up her father’s sword and lead these men. <figure out how to add in one or two words to indicate that being a woman is the main problem, not her physical strength> Well, then, she would just have to use the gifts the gods had given her. These men needed a leader. Gravin <who is that?> could give them that


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alliedfive
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I'll read it if you are still sending it out.
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Meredith
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Bump for third version of the first 13.
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snapper
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Quick assessment,

The two versions are better but they have the same problem. The sentences are all the same length. Coupled with the MC describing different things about, it reads like a list.

The prose is too wooden at this point.


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Meredith
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Bump for fourth version.
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Merlion-Emrys
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Is it really a bump when its already at the top?
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jonesias
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I'd be happy to read it! I'm a published author of a fantasy book, so hopefully I can be a good resource. I just ask that you look at the first 13 lines of my short "A Day of Reconciliation." Also, I have a website, jonathanvernon.weebly.com, take a gander if you will. I have a couple of shorts plus excerpts from my fantasy book. I look forward to discussing stories with you.

Thanks
Jonathan Vernon

jonathanvernon@hotmail.com


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Meredith
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Thanks for the offer.

This one went out on submission last night, so I'm going to be disciplined and not keep obsessing over it until I hear back. If it comes back (rejected), I'll keep you in mind. Meanwhile, I am forcing myself to move on. I've got two novels in revision, a synopsis to get just right, and I've started another short story, tentatively titled "The Wrong Lion". That's where I need to put my emphasis now.

Thanks again and I'm sure we'll exchange critiques at some point soon.


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Meredith
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BTW, this one is now retitled "The Bard's Gift". Those who've read it will understand why.
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billawaboy
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Er...I really like version 1 over the newer versions. . I know, you worked really hard on the other ones, but as an opening it feels much more vivid for me. But let me try find specific reasons I can give:
1) I like 'dismay' in original; in the other versions I'm not as connected to Dorata - namely, I don't see her face, her eyes, her expression, without the word 'dismay'.
2) I actually liked that you didn't elaborate on the reason for the men drinking more than eating in the original; it doesn't force a general reason of why they drank - like in the other versions. The first version drew me in to see the scene rather than think about why the scene was the way it was. I mean, not all of them had the same reasons for drinking, right? Leaving that phrase out somehow made it more real.
3) The third and fourth seemed more distant, both gave bits of history and reasons that I felt interfered with setting up the scene. The first is pure, there's no elaboration by the narrator - just stating the facts. I tend to like a narrator that doesn't tell extra stuff about whats going on, but rather have the action and dialogue and face expressions naturally make me think it. Know what I mean?...
anyway, best i can explain for now.

I'll be glad to read it. Send it to me. Can you include 3 or 4 questions you want me to answer for you? I find that's more helpful all around.


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Meredith
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quote:
I'll be glad to read it. Send it to me. Can you include 3 or 4 questions you want me to answer for you? I find that's more helpful all around.

Again, thanks. If it comes back from it's first submission with a rejection, I'll certainly send it to you. Right now, I'm trying very hard to discipline myself to keep off the ones I've labeled as done and move forward on the others. I've got way too many irons in the fire.

It's just a week since I sent it out. Fingers crossed.


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BrandonM
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Oh hey, Dragons!!!!

It was actually pretty interesting, me being a Fantasy Fanatic and all. But who is Bretan Dragonslayer? What does that name mean? Oh yeah, to all of my "brothas and sistas" in fantasy(im hyper). Choose names that fit the character, don't just make something up, less it's a name for a rather minor character, but even then, be careful. Thought I'd mention because of that name, "Bretan".


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Meredith
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quote:
It was actually pretty interesting, me being a Fantasy Fanatic and all. But who is Bretan Dragonslayer? What does that name mean? Choose names that fit the character, don't just make something up, less it's a name for a rather minor character, but even then, be careful. Thought I'd mention because of that name, "Bretan".

What about the name Bertan (not Bretan) bothers you so much? He's not a major character. Then again, in the main story there are only three named characters and only two in the story within a story.

Yes, there are dragons and at some point in the past Bertan killed one.

I make up names all the time.

By the way, this one did come back (Rats!). I've already sent it to Billawaboy and Jonesias. Anyone else?

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited April 08, 2010).]


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