posted
I've been sitting on this story for a while, but there's a market with deadline for a Little Mermaid-themed issue coming up, so I'm going to try to get this into shape. Looking for comments on the first 13 and a couple critters for the whole thing. I'll trade critiques if you have something ready for looking at. Thanks.
#
Again, the sailor was near death, his body spent from thirst and hunger. Sea salt crusted on his eyelashes and cracked lips, and it pinched under his fingernails. One last hot pump of blood, a beat, a breath, and he would be gone.
The sea maiden had not pulled him from the ship’s wreckage to watch him die, so she washed over his raft to bring him back: once, twice, three times.
The rip in his side knit itself together, and he returned to her with a gasp. The small muscles of his fingers spasmed around the arm of a teddy bear, one eye missing, its fur wet and clotted. Besides his clothes, it was the only thing he had left.
He put a hand to his staunched wound and turned toward her with agonizing slowness. "Why don’t you let me die?"
posted
About the only quibble I have with this is whether that final line should be agonzing, or agonized, slowness - arguably the POV here isn't fully clear and so I'm not sure if the slowness is agonising to him, to her, or to an unknown other.
That aside, this is perfect (I was thrown by the "again" at the begining but you address that quickly enough for it not to be a problem).
posted
1) I like this beginning. Nice details. 2) You may have a reason for this, but we don't have a name for either of the characters, yet. I'm starting to wonder why. 3) The teddy bear may be a problem. It makes me wonder if the sailor is actually a young boy. If that is your intent, good. Otherwise, you might want to lose the bear for now. 4) Should it be "Why won't you let me die?"
When is your deadline? I'd be happy to trade crits with you, but it will be Wednesday before I can get to it. Send it to me if you want to swap.
POV is a little bit strange for a very short piece; you start with facts only the sailor would know (the salt pinching under his fingernails...the closeness to death could be implied from outside perception, but the feeling I get is that it's inside his POV), but then you give us a line where you're looking inside the Mermaid's motivation ("...had not pulled him from the ship's wreckage..."). Having said that, I don't think it hurts the 1st 13.
posted
Hey Jennifer I really like it and the description from beginning to end. The Teddy Bear isnt a problem question for me, it's a hook question that keeps me interested to find out...is it his sons or his?
My only nit is
quote:so she washed over his raft to bring him back
I didnt get a clear visual on what exactly she did to save him...I had several different visuals in my head but wasnt sure which one was correct.
Posts: 710 | Registered: Oct 2009
| IP: Logged |
first 13: After reading, these were the questions that came to mind: 1) The sailor was near death *again*? interesting, so this has happened before? 2) Is the sea maiden aware that he has 'one last beat, one last breath' (one of her natural abilites?) - or is it the omniscient narrator telling the reader? I ask because it's vague on whether the mermaid knows what the reader knows. 3) 'she washed over his raft' - maybe 'swished'? 'splashed water'? 4) "the rip...knit itself" - interesting. Mermaid magic or Sailor's magic? 5) teddy bear? the sailor is a kid? or a parent who just lost his kid? 6) "small muscles"...so he's a kid - would a kid say "...let me die"? or mumble and groan and say "lemme alone!"?
I'm up for reading it. Let me know if there are any guidelines it has to fit or questions you want me to answer. Also let me know when ideally you want it back since you have a submission deadline coming.
posted
Hi Jennifer, Sorry I'm late to the party, but I'll have a read if it's not too close to your deadline.
I generally agree with the above comments. We should probably have at least a first name and established POV by now. There are probably a oouple of words that can be cut, but those are just minor.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
