Topic: Evil strikes on Flight 109 -Thriller/Horror
XD3V0NX
unregistered
posted
A story I started a couple days ago. Let me know what you think and/or if it hooks you. And anything else that comes to mind. I also have about 3,500 words so far.
Steve hoped he and his little sister wouldn't miss the plane. And he watched as his mother hugged her for the last time on the verge of tears. Their mom, Kathy, backed away from her daughter, and looked her in the eyes. “Make sure you call when you land. Okay, Haley? Please?” she looked at Steve and said, “Call, okay? Will you?” “Yes, mother, don’t worry,” Steve assured. “You don’t have to worry about a thing. We’ll only be gone for two weeks.” “I know, but—” Kathy almost lost herself again. Why do mom’s get like this? He wondered. We’ll be completely fine. It’s not like you’ll never see us again. He wanted to say, but didn't.
[This message has been edited by XD3V0NX (edited June 04, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by XD3V0NX (edited June 04, 2010).]
posted
I wonder if you're starting this in the right place. Is the goodbye scene necessary, or can you start later - say, with the kids boarding the plane - and not lose anything?
The reason I'm asking is because what you have doesn't hook me. Of course they don't want to miss their plane. Who does? It would be a more interesting opening if they did want to miss it because then I would keep reading to find out why. And of course their mother will miss them. The only bit that would entice me to keep reading is the jinx-worthy thought of, "It’s not like you’ll never see us again." That's a big red flag that Something Bad will happen, but I'd much rather get a glimpse of what that Bad Thing is than just have it hinted at.
quote: Steve hoped he and his little sister wouldn't miss the plane. And he watched as his mother hugged her for the last time on the verge of tears.
This opening sentence doesn’t work for me, I became jolted when you ended the sentence and started with And in the next. Perhaps join the sentences together and reverse it. Or something like Steve didn’t have time for sentiment, while his mother on the verge of tears hugged his sister; a glance at his watch reminded him that they were late for their flight. Or Steve had one eye on his watch while his mother on the verge of tears hugged his sister, they were already late for their flight. My two examples at not the best but I think there are many ways to show the impatience of Steve, which could add a little more life.
quote: Their mom, Kathy, backed away from her daughter, and looked her in the eyes. “Make sure you call when you land. Okay, Haley? Please?” she looked at Steve and said, “Call, okay? Will you?” “Yes, mother, don’t worry,” Steve assured. “You don’t have to worry about a thing. We’ll only be gone for two weeks.”
I like this and quite visual.
quote: “I know, but—” Kathy almost lost herself again. Why do mom’s get like this? He wondered. We’ll be completely fine. It’s not like you’ll never see us again. He wanted to say, but didn't.
This threw me and took me a couple of reads to get it. Why switch to her name Kathy, why don’t keep it as their Mom? Also keeping on the perspective of Steve?
I think this is fine writing and very visual. But other than the title I get no sense of danger or impending dread, it doesn’t really hook me as a first 13. Although I would read on as I’m intrigued to know what happened next.
posted
I don't completely agree with the other posts. I think this start is okay if it plays an important role in the story. If this was a movie, I'm pretty sure this is where the story would start, but since it's a book it does sort of come across a little slow. Still, I like the idea of the good bye at the gate. I just watched a mom let her little girl board a plane by herself yesterday. She hugged her five times before she would let her go and she was crying when she walked away. The little girl--who was probably six or seven and had to be escorted by a flight attendant--was completely fine with saying good bye and didn't care in the least that her mother was breaking down. That's what this opening makes me think of. Sort of sweet and sad and even just a little bit funny (kids don't understand why moms get all worked up over something like that). So your opening made me smile.
I agree that you need to call the mom Mom or Mother. Not Kathy. It's great that she has a name, but a couple of times it felt like you were writing from her point of view, since you switched to Kathy. Kids don't usually think of their mom by her first name. Unless she's a step mom, but I didn't get that feeling from the reading. And saying "Kathy" makes me think I might follow her for the time her kids are away or something. But the title makes me think I'm going to be on the plane.
Oh, and one last little thing. Is the mom sending her kids away forever? I ask because you said "for the last time" at least once. It was the only part of the writing that felt thrid person omniscent and that was a little confusing because I couldn't tell if you meant she was literally not planning on seeing her kids again or if it's supposed to be foreshadowing. If it's foreshadowing, you should probably say that line "for the last time" when the MC isn't observing his mom, or it feels like it's a part of his thoughts. Like he knows he'll never see his mom again (at which point I have to ask, then why isn't this a bigger deal to him?)
That was the only unclear part and I'm not saying it was bad, just a tiny bit confusing. I'm pretty sure you were trying to foreshadow and foreshadowing is a fantastic tool, so I hope you work it in there.
posted
The parting scene is arguably the "moment of change" for this story so I don't see a problem with opening here in principle (hard to be sure without knowing the rest of the story, of course).
I assumed reference to "for the last time" was foreshadowing, but it could just be that she'd hugged the kids several times and this was the final instance of the parting. Not sure if you need to clarify or leave the ambguity - again, depends on where the story goes.
Using the mother's name seemed completely wrong if you are in the child's POV. I'm nearly 50 and I still don't call my mother by her name.
At a base writing level, I'm afraid I have real problems with this. The second sentence begins with And for no good reason. You have mom's where you mean moms. "He wanted to say, but didn't." is a fragment, you need to rework how you phrase his unspoken thought. And I'm afraid it's those basic writing issues that would (were I an editor) make me put this piece aside immediately.
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