posted
I thought this was a suspension from school. After a second, though, I figured it was something more unusual. I was totally hooked. And when I finally got to the part where it turned out the "suspension" is some kind of cryogenic freezing, I was ready to read more.
The only issue I have is this: at first, because I was thinking school suspension, I figured Molly was a high school student that got in trouble. Even though I quickly realized it wasn't school related, my initial thought that Molly was in high school didn't change. So it was strange when she called her mom "Mommy". It took me a second to understand that she was a little younger than I initially imagined. I don't even know if it's worth changing. It was only a moment of confusion and then it was gone.
quote: It was a lie. Plenty of Molly’s friends didn’t get suspended and nothing bad happened to them. Cindy never did and no bad people ever harmed her. Molly wanted to be out like her. Not locked in a time freezer until her parents could find time for her.
The simple past tense in the next line seems flat and over emphasised, you give two examples, first her friends and then Molly. It doesn't feel tight enough.
quote: “But I just got out, Mommy. It’s only been two days. I didn’t get to see Cindy, or Nana, or Papa. You promised last time that I would get to see them.” Her mother stroked her hair and smiled. “We will next time, sugar. Nana and Papa live a long way away. The weekend is only
I didn't understand you were talking about Freezing, it gives the text a whole new dimension. I thought the suspension was school, so didn't realy rate this as a good 13 lines. Now I know what it's about I think it's a great idea, but the first lines threw me off.
[This message has been edited by Sixbells (edited June 06, 2010).]
posted
I think I twigged to the trick the moment the "chamber" was referenced.
I think the protag's name may need to change (Molly and Mommy is not a good combination to be tossing around in the same sentence).
There seems to be some confusion about the motivation here - first Molly seems to be taking her mother's motives at face value (talking about protection but how other kids don't seem to need it) but then she abruptly switches to the "find time" concept (which feels like the real reason, given the characterisation we have of the mother so far).
There are fascinating ideas that might be explored here - the idea of children, in effect, ageing at different rates dependin on how much "suspension" they get - so I would read on.
posted
Hooked. I agree that there is a tiny bit of age confusion in the start. Perhaps the opening line should be: "Mommy, I don't want to be suspended."
Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
Cool idea. We always think of suspended animation as a long-term process, like deep space travel or waiting for medical science to catch up with our maladies...not like turning on the TV.
I think it's fine for there to be confusion for a while about what 'suspension' refers to. SF readers are used to that.
I suspect your opening will change after you've gotten into the story. This opening is good, but it's designed to give a lot of info (imho). It may be more immediate to start the story sometime else, for example, like when the parental units are debating whether to awaken the brat now or after a cocktail party...that'll save them a babysitting fee.
Good luck. I look forward to seeing your story in print.
posted
I liked it. The twist is nice and the hook is good. I would make the fact that it's a suspended animation chamber stand out a little more, I read right over that the first time. Maybe have Molly complain more about effects or something.
Posts: 459 | Registered: Mar 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
I had the same thoughts as some of the other responders but I also think this is a very interesting idea. I think it will easily get copied by others for their own stories.
Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'm not going to steal it. I meant the idea of short term cryogenics instead of just on long space voyages might get used. Do we keep the military frozen until we need them too? That would seem to save a lot of money wouldn't it? Instead of feeding the poor we freeze them.
You can see where that could go.
I think its a great idea and you should keep working on it. It's original enough to get attention I think should you submit it to one of the sci-fi magazines.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
