posted
The monk chose his steps carefully. As he wound through dense undergrowth he was aware of the subtle change in air pressure that signified the approach of rain, the soft footfalls of his canine companion on the path ahead, and everywhere the fractured reverberations of human suffering.
As a younger man the devastation outside of the monastery had enraged him, evoking an avalanche of unmet desires: justice, revenge, healing for his countrymen in their great poverty; even such noble longings had disturbed his chi.
Since then he had travelled far enough along the Eightfold Path that the wheeze of breath through his nasal filter was measured and a gentle smile graced his features beneath the lower half of his mask as he walked. The smile was not for lack of care. His
Hi Folks. This is the first 13 for my first SF/F story so if anyone wouldn't mind reading it that would be super cool!
"Breathe" is the best title I've come up with so far, but I am not paticlularly fond of it.
Edited to add a paragraph break.
[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited June 19, 2010).]
posted
Sounds interesting. I'll have a read. A couple of technicalities. The second sentence seemed too long for me. "...subtle change in air pressure..." particularly tripped me up. My suggestion would be to shorten it up and make it separate sentences. I think "He had travelled..." should begin a new paragraph (although I could be out to lunch). It's probably just me, but I didn't understand the last two sentences at all. Maybe there's a little more explanation to follow. Probably least important, but I'd probably like to know 'the monks' name soon.
Overall, good imagery, good description of character's thoughts. Well done.
[This message has been edited by Denem (edited June 18, 2010).]
posted
Sounds like an interesting premise. I would keep reading. In the first sentence, try to get around using an adjective. Instead of telling us he stepped carefully, show us how he stepped.
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I think carefully is an adverb. Is it bad to use adverbs in this way?
If so could you humour me with an example of what one usually does instead? I have heard people mention adverbs in other posts, but I'm a little confused about the issue.
posted
OK, I'm embarrassed now at mixing up the parts of speech, but the point stands. How did he choose his steps? Did he watch the ground to step over protruding roots or avoid dead leaves, so as to remain as silent as possible? Or are there more sinister things to avoid: carcasses, predatory plants that could ensnare his leg, traps set by hungry villagers to catch animals for meat? Instead of just saying he stepped carefully, you can describe his surroundings and how he reacts to the world around him. It makes for a richer opening.
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posted
I think I get it now. I had a sentence that said he was practicing qigong mindfulness (which would require great attention to both self and all suroundings), but I cut it because I figured few people would know what qigong is (nor how to pronounce it in their heads). I'll have to try to describe it like you said, but without actually mentioning qigong. Thanks for the clarification Jennifer.
[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited June 19, 2010).]
posted
This is an 800-word complete story. The first 13 contains 131 of those words - a significant proporton of the whole - and yet the actual information we are given is pretty minimal. In flash fiction such as this, words are important. The key information we get in the opening, as far as I can tell, is as follows: There's human suffering everywhere. There's been human suffering everywhere for a long time. He's a Buddhist. He has a nasal filter/mask.
The latter is probably the most important fragment since it jars with the rest (the background setting details give no hint of technology). But for me, there's little to intrigue me, there's little promise about what the rest of the story will involve. You're giving me background, but you're not giving me story.
Because it's flash, I'd probably read on - the investment in reading an entire 800-word story is little more than a 130-word opening, and the general smooth writing is a broadly promising sign. But I think a stronger opening would be much more in your favour.
Just my opinion. Feel free to reject it.
[This message has been edited by tchernabyelo (edited June 21, 2010).]
posted
Hey there. Feel free to send me the complete story for critique.
I won't comment on the first 13, as I agree with what KayTi said in my own thread: It's difficult to judge flash fiction on the first thirteen (I mean, aside from seeing the author obviously has a solid concept of words and etc). Furthermore, I think some of the issues longer fiction faces aren't such issues in flash fiction, because the short length of the piece makes it less time consuming to read; it's less of an investment on the Readers part, and thus gives you more room for experimentation. (This is all of course, my own opinion, and it's certainly nothing fact)
I'm by no means an expert, but I could certainly tell you how the pieces makes me "feel" (I tend to stay away from 'technical' corrections, these days, as I feel they're much easier to fix, and much less helpful than overall 'feelings' people get about the piece)
posted
Thank you everyone who has commented and especially those of you who are reading the story.
@Kathleen: that's an interesting thought. The article about qigong that I read for background actually mentioned "the Force" in Star Wars as a western fictional concept resembling the eastern concept of qi(chi).
@tchernabyelo: I'm glad to hear that the points you listed in your post are clear in the first 13, especially that the monk is buddhist. Now to try to fit some story in there too...
The new working title is "Bodhisattva Breath", which I like a lot better than the original. Once I work through the comments and critiques I will post a second attempt at the first 13.
posted
I would replace the eight fold path part with "Since then, his mindfullness had developed enough that the wheeze of breath through his nasal filter was measured. A gentle smile graced his features beneath the lower half of his mask as he walked.
Mindfullness is what your developing as you breathe during meditation.
posted
I'll add one little thing. The word 'wheeze' just didn't seem to fit the voice of the rest of it. Could just be me though.
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posted
I didn't like wheeze either. I don't think it's the right word. I think intake of breath makes more since, but then, I don't know what the mask is for or what it's doing either. Hard to say.
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