posted
I sat on the wet park bench. Leaves tumbled past, caught in the wind's petty gusts; the tail-end of the rain shower licked against the hood of my coat and dripped down my face. A well-dressed woman leaned into her umbrella as she walked towards me, her hair swirling, her destination unknown. Yet her mind whispered to me, it's sanctity pierced by mine. I let my thoughts drift, seeking the silence of my synasthesia. Her mind-chatter faded and when I looked at her again a ribbon of words unfurled upon an invisible banner behind her: Times New Roman font in a deep red that contrasted clearly against the bare trees and shrubs she passed. As I read her secrets, the letters curled and turned to smoke. The ticker-tape of her mind revealed her fear: would her husband notice the marks her lover had made?
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 06, 2010).]
posted
Nicely done, very flowy. Like the synasthesia a lot also. You've been hanging out with Brant haven't you?
I have no meaningful criticisms. I'm a little surprised to see you doing the struggling telepath thing, but, while its not super interesting to me personally I see nothing wrong with it. I like the descriptions and the flow of the writing a lot.
quote:A well-dressed woman leaned into her umbrella as she walked towards me, her hair swirling, her destination unknown. Yet her mind whispered to me, it's sanctity pierced by mine.
I suggest you change towards me to 'my way'.
This is a reworking of an old ideas of yours, isn't it?
posted
"Yet her mind whispered to me, it's sanctity pierced by mine."
I find this sentence rather confusing. I understand what it's trying to get across, and I like the impression it gives that he's knowing her private thoughts, but to me, it reads as if her mind's sanctity is being pierced by the narrator's sanctity, rather than the narrator's mind. Maybe there's a better way to phrase this?
I really like the final paragraph. Interesting concept, and surprising imagery with her thoughts appearing as scarlet words.
Hanging out with Brant? Are you saying our writing is similar or the content is similar? I chat with him on Facebook and I know he has published a novel...
In this story the guy is a more than a struggling telepath...although the telepath bit is meant to provide a hook sufficient to take you to his real conflict.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
@snapper,
'My way'is better--you're right. It's not so much a re-working of an old idea as a merging of two old ideas.
Thanks.
@Krista,
Yeah, I spotted that, but left it as I felt it wasn't that confusing and I had no slicker solution.
posted
The style is interesting and the voice strong. The hook doesn't really do much for me, though - it's not as if we haven't had self-tortured telepath stories before. I note you later state that this is an introduction to the character and not the "real" conflict and I'm nto surprised to hear you say that, but it does make me question whether you are starting the story in the right place.
A couple of nits: "its sanctity" not "it's sanctity" and "synesthesia" (or in the UK "synaesthesia") not "synasthesia".
posted
Nicely done. Your beautiful use of words is what draws me in more than the subject matter. I love the imagry of the words in Times Roman curling out like a ribbon and turning to smoke.
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