With positive feedback once finished I'll expand it into a book that will start to become progressively more paranormal with increasingly rising stakes as magic, secret organizations, aliens, manic cultists, mythical beasts, and madness inspring horrors from beyond reality are slowly introduced.

Essentially it starts at the beginning with the short story fairly far on the mundane end of the reality vs fantasy scale but slides to the fantasy end as the overall story progresses and elements are introduced.

quote:

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My heart started to beat as my palm rested upon the door knob, the door had closed during the conundrum.

This is it, I thought to myself, a whole new year, new experiences... Heart still beating fast...

The beginning of the end or the end of the beginning Alessandro would say, crap, even when I'm doing an inner monologue I can't get away from his nonsense words.

Bavump. My heart continued to beat, picking up the rhythm.

I twisted the knob, and I can't explain it, it was only for a single tangible second but I felt something, something that raised the hackles along my spine a nauseous sense of deja vu like as if I had been here before, opening this door entering it-And then it was gone, my eyes blinking furiously.

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Hopefully this is 13 lines, I got about 3000 words~1 chapter done thus far, I'm trying to go for a very Higurashi-ish/esque feel for how this goes down. Could use someone to volunteer to proof read it as I finish chapters.

I would cut "the door had closed during the conundrum" - we understand that the door is closed, and since you haven't explained the conundrum yet, it must not be immediately important. Combine the first 2 paragraphs so they read:

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My heart started to beat as my palm rested upon the door knob. This is it, I thought to myself, a whole new year, new experiences... Heart still beating fast...

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May be personal preference - just feels smoother to me.

I like the aside in the inner monologue, and the feeling you evoke in the last paragraph. Good voice.

The cunumdrum was explained in the actual text, as this bit is about near the end of the first chapter not quite the beginning but I felt could maybe be best to give a sense of what may be coming later.

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My heart started to beat as my palm rested upon the door knob

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This first sentence gave me the impression that until that moment, his heart wasn't beating at all and I suddenly imagined an undead narrator. Perhaps using another word, like "My heart started to pound," or something similar would eliminate that problem. Unless, of course, your narrator really is undead.

Should I email my first chapter to you? Nothing special happens yet but it does serve to introduce about 4 characters and shows a bit of how Ellison's mind works.

Also names are probably subject to change, Alessandro Lucardo, Levi Bradley and Ellison Gordon are probably permanent (Alessandro being the name my friend that character is based on suggested), Sabrina Furude and other anime-mishmash names are for the most part place holders, as while I like the idea of writing this like some Light Novels that have alot of anime references but on the other hand it is probably best to cycle them out once I find a more appropriate name.

Right now I got for names:

Ellison Gordon (protagonist Or Is He?)
Levi Bradley (not my author avatar)
Alessandro Lucardo (was Edward Alphonso but not anymore)
Sabrina Furude*
Leonard de Lamperouge*
Francis L. Laurier
Robin Espoir*
Louise Ivanova Rostdvenski** (daughter of Russian immigrants)
Isaac Ivanovich Rostdvenski** (son of Russian immigrants)
Tifa(anniel) Woosely**
George Poirot Lupin VI**
Rolf Tryggvassan
Tyrel Graham (recurring character)

Mainly taking two or so Anime names, mish them together and then Canadianify/Frenchify the name so it looks like it fits in with someone living in Quebec, unless the name is supposed to be foreign.

* being might change later, ** definately placeholder.
I'm bad with names Which is compounded by the fact that I wanna add another 6 or so characters along the way.

My next challenge during the character planning process is figuring out what their character traits are and what they 'evolve' storywise into, for example say Louise likes playing with Airsoft rifles, later on she may get an actual rifle when its needed to kill for example zombies and other threats, and then maybe later upgrade to something more impressive but still sniper/rifleish in origin etc.

Anyway, there was only one thing I didn't quite understand in this: "The beginning of the end or the end of the beginning Alessandro would say, crap, even when I'm doing an inner monologue I can't get away from his nonsense words."

This sentence sounds kind of strange, and I feel you should do something about it. Is Alessandro the one who 'would' say crap, or is he the one that said 'the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning'? I would guess he said the second one. But, if that's the case, then why is the main character thinking 'crap' about THOSE words? I think you could shorten this entire paragraph somehow and include more in your 13 lines.

Ok. And what about inner monologue? I don't think you should include "inner monologue". IMO, that sounds a little weak. You could just say: "'The beginning of the end or the end of the beginning, Alessandro would say." Then you could include "Crap." On a line all by itself. That would work. And then: "Even when I'm in a situation like this, I still can't get away from his foolish (or nonsense, like you had it) words."

This is how it would read and I think it would be better understood: "The beginning of the end or the end of the beginning, Alessandro would say."
"Crap. Even when I'm in a situation like this, I still can't get away from his foolish words."

If this were ME writing this, I would have something like: "Even when I'm in some **** like this, I still can't get away from his damn words." But that's just ME, and that's how I write, but I don't know your character enough to know what he's like or if he would curse. In everyone's mind, I think curse words, especially in situations like these, sometimes seem to pop up out of nowhere. I don't know for sure, but I would think, if you're freaked out or really, really angry, you won't really care what you think or say, and I actually read something by Stephen King himself that stated this possible fact.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with this. =]

Oh, and I'll read chapters for you as you write them. But only if you wouldn't have a problem simply exchanging chapters. You could send me a chapter of yours, and I could give you a critique. And, at the same time, I can send you a chapter of my completed manuscript and you, too, could take a look at it for me. How about it?

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This sentence sounds kind of strange, and I feel you should do something about it. Is Alessandro the one who 'would' say crap, or is he the one that said 'the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning'? I would guess he said the second one. But, if that's the case, then why is the main character thinking 'crap' about THOSE words? I think you could shorten this entire paragraph somehow and include more in your 13 lines.

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13 lines is insufficient for proper characterization, this is from the end of the chapter, earlier on there was a good conversation between Alessandro and Gordon with Gordon clearly finding Alessandro's Babylon 5-speak annoying and thus explains his indignation at in his own mind thinking the sameway.

'Crap' in the same way as "damnit, now you got me doing it too".

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Ok. And what about inner monologue? I don't think you should include "inner monologue". IMO, that sounds a little weak.

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I'm brought up on the Haruhi Suzumiya/Order of the Stick style of narrative where characters lightely brush up against the 4th wall for humor via lampshade hanging, its meant to be funny and is a deliberate style I'm adopting, like "oh oh, scary music is playing it means I'm about to get sta---GRRHK!"

quote:

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This is how it would read and I think it would be better understood: "The beginning of the end or the end of the beginning, Alessandro would say."
"Crap. Even when I'm in a situation like this, I still can't get away from his foolish words."

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Better paced I agree but I would still keep the self-referential lampshade hanging.

quote:

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If this were ME writing this, I would have something like: "Even when I'm in some **** like this, I still can't get away from his damn words." But that's just ME, and that's how I write, but I don't know your character enough to know what he's like or if he would curse. In everyone's mind, I think curse words, especially in situations like these, sometimes seem to pop up out of nowhere. I don't know for sure, but I would think, if you're freaked out or really, really angry, you won't really care what you think or say, and I actually read something by Stephen King himself that stated this possible fact.

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Eh, I like the JK Rowling method of where if its a serious cuss word then say "and then he swore loudly" so I don't artificially increase the rating on my work out of reach of a younger audience if its unneeded, especially if I can come up with funnier alternative.

Also, the characters are highschool students (albeit in 2030 but still...) from a relatively clean neighbourhood in a fairly (right now anyways in real life) prestigious school, they would be self conscious not to swear in public along a residential lane with houses of old people and pensioners.

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Oh, and I'll read chapters for you as you write them. But only if you wouldn't have a problem simply exchanging chapters. You could send me a chapter of yours, and I could give you a critique. And, at the same time, I can send you a chapter of my completed manuscript and you, too, could take a look at it for me. How about it?

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Sure, I'm game, right now I'm playing Final Fantasy 13 and could use something to pry me away. Do you have MSN or skype? I could better explain some of the details then.

A part of the problem I think, with critiqueing my work, is that I am a BIG fan of twists and genre shifting, so things that look straight forward now I already have planned to grab a pipe and bash it to bits with unrecognized hints and foreshadowing early on to subtly hint at it, but you may not notice somethings until the progression makes its length.