Do you think its wrong to start with a flashback?

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Second attempt...

Reb looked down at the 'Enlistment Proclamation' on the table top and remembered when training started five years ago. She had been six years old living in a blown out building wearing rags and eating soups made of rotting vegetables when they picked her up and carried her here.

Now she was a soldier.

They had educated her, trained her to shoot and to survive and they owned her. Her signature was a mere formality, less than that it was a custom. She signed it and handed it to the Corporal and then announced to the Sergeant “Private Reb Castle reporting for duty sir!”
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original version:

Her first memories were of the broken brick walls, the rain drops, the cooking fire and a crying woman who liked to hold her. Reb thought of the woman as mom. The woman had fed her, mostly a soup made from boiled water with bits of cast-out vegetables. But they survived. Reb remembered being sick a lot and crying a lot, living in the broken place.

One day when she was a little older a large vehicle halted near the broken ruins and two uniformed soldiers got out. Reb barely came up to their belts they were tall and healthy-looking. Reb had never seen anyone who was so healthy or stood so straight.

[This message has been edited by geronl (edited July 14, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by geronl (edited July 14, 2010).]

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Just remember I only write for a hobby.

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This is a hobby of everyone here. If you're good enough to write for a living, you have no need for a place like hatrack.

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I have a whole forum of fragments and stories without endings. If you ask I'll tell you the URL but I doubt I'm allowed to post it in this forum.

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I may be wrong in this case but I believe you have just self-published your work, which could make it a problem if you want to sell it later. Most publishers want unpublished material. I suggested you don't do that anymore, unless you want people view your work for free.

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Do you think its wrong to start with a flashback?

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No but I discourage it. Flashbacks get overused. A few instances they are called for, but only a few.

As far as your opening goes...doesn't work for me. It has no hook value for me. I think you are startign at the wrong spot. Remember, editors get hundreds of submissions a reading peroid. They are looking for an excuse to dump out of your story. You need to give the reader a reason to want to keep reading on. A recollection of your MC's childhood memory, especially a memory that anyone would have, isn't going to it.

If I have an urge to start a story with a flashback, I usually take it as a sign that I'm not starting early enough in the overall timeline.

Her first memories were of the broken brick walls, the rain drops, the cooking fire and a crying woman who liked to hold her. I think that is a beautiful sentence. Really establishes the feel of the story, gives character motivation, and starts the momentum. Reb thought of the woman as mom. This sentence could be reworked for clarity. Is she her mom, or isn't she, precision and clarity are the hallmarks of good writing. Sadly I don't yet subscribe to the Hallmark Channel The woman had fed her, mostly a soup made from boiled water with bits of cast-out vegetables this sentence feels like the start of a list, but there isn't any more do you mean the woman had fed her, mostly...vegetables, protected her from..., and died for her, (or something) it doesn't feel like a complete sentence. But they survived. okay, maybe not died Reb remembered being sick a lot and crying a lot, living in the broken place. is that sentence necessary?

One daycomma when she was a little olderComma, more description would add clarity, like...when she was old enough to fight for herself, or on the day she stopped being a child, or something real clear like ten years after the event. This is the chance to pull into the story and into the characters head. a large vehicle be more specific halted near the broken ruins and two uniformed soldiers got out. Reb barely came up to their belts they were tall and healthy-looking. Reb had never seen anyone who was so healthy or stood so straight.These last two sentences are so alike, both in structure, but also with the repetition of the word healthy. What do the healthy soldiers smell like?

The opening works for me, because I like the characters, and the situation- the crumbling building, the missing mother, the contrast of the healthy soldiers and how she had been living- both intrigues me and creates sympathy. I think there is definite potential in your writing style. Working on clarity, and on precision, will strengthen the readers experience.

This version doesn't work for me. Here's why.

Reb looked down at the 'Enlistment Proclamation' on the table top and remembered when training started five years ago.I immediately think then why aren't you showing me five years ago? She had been six years old living in a blown out building wearing rags and eating soups made of rotting vegetables when they picked her up and carried her here. So she is eleven?

Now she was a soldier.

They had educated her, trained her to shoot and to survive and they owned her. Her signature was a mere formality, less than that it was a custom. She signed it and handed it to the Corporal and then announced to the Sergeant “Private Reb Castle reporting for duty sir!”

The story is interesting. I like this child warrior, and I am intrigued by the setting. My issue is that we never get into Reb's head. It is so distant. I want to know what the Sergeant looks like, what she thinks of him, what she feels about the walls surrounding her when she grew up without them, I want to know more about her motivation to fight, which means some clue that she knows who the enemy is, and at least a moment of innocence to prove her young age.

She seems like a passive character to me in this version, like a pawn piece that you are moving around and not a real person.

Yes, she is eleven.

I could even rewrite the opening from the perspective of one of the soldiers who picked her up and brought her to Miss Becky's school. Or start at the day she "graduated" and went from Cadet to Private 2nd Class, her discussion with Miss Becky about what it means. Or the 12-year old Private who taught her about hand to hand combat and told her to get a last name.

Dang, just about every paragraphed could be reworked to start the story off.

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The mission of an Army recruiter was clear and simple, find a child and deliver him or her to the school.

The driver of the RT-7V armored transport halted the vehicle near a ruin of the old order. There was nothing around but desolation, the way of the world since the Cataclysm. Lieutenant Anna Edwin climbed down from the vehicle after throwing down two bundles of food and other goodies. Bribes.

She didn't like this part of the job, taking children away from those who loved them. Or loved to exploit and use them. Often though one less mouth to feed and large bundles of food and supplies would tip the scale.

The target child was around six years old wearing a tattered shirt blackened with dirt and mud and whatever else. Her hair

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That's not 13 lines probably but it is just another possible opening.

[This message has been edited by geronl (edited July 15, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by geronl (edited July 15, 2010).]

Reb's first memories were of the broken brick walls, the rain drops, the cooking fire, and the (Use 'the' not 'a' Use crying later) woman who liked to hold her. She remembered being sick and crying a lot in that broken place. The woman had fed her, mostly soup, made from boiled water with bits of cast-out vegetables. (Maybe something to complete the thought like)Reb called it survival soup, without it you didn't survive.

(Crying women and mom better explained here.) The woman had been the only mom Reb had ever known. It bothered her she could not recall her name, only the tears upon her face for she often cried while rocking Reb to sleep.(Something like this maybe)

One day when Reb was a little older a large vehicle halted near the (Don't need broken)ruins and two uniformed soldiers got out. Reb barely came up to their belts.(Period) They were tall and healthy-looking. She had never seen anyone who (don't need healthy again) stood so straight.

Reb barely came up to their belts. (Maybe needs how she got the comparison. Something like-) ...two uniformed soldiers got out and stood before her. Reb barely measured up to their belts in height.

This is just me thinking out loud. Feel free to laugh and throw away.

W.

It's around 2000 words and is a very rough sketch of how the little girl became a soldier. It's a post-apocalyptic scenario where they don't need large armies but they do keep a small army around. They recruit very small children and educate and train them and pretty much have lifelong soldiers as a result.