posted
"Sheep Dreams" 3,000 word short story. Completed First Draft, but not really sure about it. If anyone wants to take a look let me know.
The stranger rode into the yard just after dark on the edge of an approaching storm, as if thrust out from the night itself. Young Adam Bauche heard his dog barking and went outside for a look. “What is it, Rummy?” he said, seeing the dog with its ears pricked but not the dark-clad rider on the black horse. At least, not at first. When he heard the hoof-beats Adam thought that it must be Cad Beeson from down the road, come to tell them of another attack. Just last week the old sheep-herder had found four of his lambs in a draw with their … well, he wasn’t exactly sure what had happened to them. His parents had been careful to conceal that information from him. Whatever it was, it was bad. Adam hurried to greet the man with a kind of morbid excitement.
posted
This phrase is confusing to me; I don't know what it means or whether it refers to the storm (by proximity) or to the rider: as if thrust out from the night itself.
This is another phrase I didn't get, but suspect that 'draw' is a Western term I'm unfamiliar with: had four of his lambs in a draw.
I don't think the dash is required in hoof-beats and sheep-herder.
'His parents had been careful to conceal that information from him.': 'His' refers to Cad by proximity, so I suggest: 'Adam's parents concealed that from him' to fix that issue and tighten it up.
Good luck.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited August 05, 2010).]
posted
I like the image you're painting. I'm not sure if you want the apearance of the rider (first sentence) to occur before Aadam is in the yard to see him, so consider re-ordering things.
quote:It was just after dark, with a storm approaching. Young Adam Bauche was outside the farmhouse when his dog started barking. “What is it, Rummy?” he said, seeing the dog with its ears pricked. When he heard the hoof-beats Adam thought that it must be Cad Beeson from down the road, come to tell them of another attack. Just last week the old sheep-herder had found four of his lambs in a draw with their … well, he wasn’t exactly sure what had happened to them. His parents had been careful to conceal that information from him. Whatever it was, it was bad. The stranger rode into the yard as if thrust out from the night itself. Adam hurried to greet him with a kind of morbid excitement.
Rough rearrangement - hope it makes sense. I'd be willing to crit if you want to send it.
[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited August 05, 2010).]
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I agree with NoTimeToThink. I like the way he rewrote it. Unless your writing in Omniscient POV, you wouldn't be able to start with the stranger because Adam wouldn't know he was there yet. I would just drop the "as if thrust out from the night itself" part. You dont need it.
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posted
I agree with NoTimeToThink as well, you shouldn't have the rider appearing in the scene until the viewpoint character sees him.
I have to disagree with Roxanne (sorry!) about removing "as if thrust out from the night itself", I actually like that line. It imparts a mysterious quality to the rider. If that is what you are shooting for, I say keep it. If it actually does turn out to be Cad Beeson, I think it may not work to use that line.
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Thanks for the help all! This is Omni POV. I slip in and out of different POV's throughout. I wrote this while falling asleep at the computer, writing till 1:30 a.m or so. (I really need to stop doing that.) BTW, the stranger isn't Cad Beeson. NoTimeTo Think, I'll send it out after I get home from work. Thanks!
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Thanks Osiris. I said Omni, but the POV does shift into Third when I deal with the characters. I guess the narrator is telling the story, then jumps into the character's head, only revealing what that character knows at the time. Not sure why I did that. I might need to rework this. Thanks for the help.
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posted
I like NoTime's rearrangement as well, mostly because it nixes the line: "At least, not at first." This brought me out of the story as it felt like suspense was being forced on me. I think the rest of the opening works well and there is a nice sense of foreboding and building tension. But since the MC notices the rider (or at least becomes aware of the hoof beats) in the next line the "at least, not at first" seems unnecessary.
Another minor point is the repetition of "dark." I don't think I would really notice it from the "after dark" to "dark-clad" if "dark-clad" didn't strike me as a rather odd turn of phrase. I am familiar with your standard color based -clading (black-clad, etc), but "dark-clad" made me think of something more magical, as if the rider were actually wearing clothing made of darkness or had conjured a veil of darkness. If that's the case then great, otherwise its oddness doesn't quite fit for me. As I said, a really minor point.
I do like the use of an assumption on the MC's part that the rider "must be Cad Beeson" as a way to drop in some back-story, it flows naturally which is one of the hardest things for me in my writing.
Overall I am engaged by the opening. I am interested to see where you go with it. You can send me a copy if you want a crit.
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Thanks bemused! Here's the deal. I'm probably the most unsystematic writer here. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I just wing it. I have lots of fun writing this way, but it does make for some pretty heavy revision sometimes. Thanks for your interest and I'll send it right out. Thanks!
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posted
Hey Anderson - good work, but I have to admit I was pretty confused by the whole thing. Could be the mixed POV, I'm a limited-third, deep penetration acolyte, really don't do most other POVs, but my observation this time is just as a reader (I tell you my bias so you know you can take this with a grain of salt) - I had trouble figuring out what the heck is going on here.
There's a kid...who hears a dog bark, goes outside to look, doesn't see a stranger at first (but the stranger's been mentioned already - very confusing) starts assuming Cad's coming to tell them of an attack. Diverges into a bit of backstory about what kinds of attacks Cad might be coming to tell him about which sound kinda gross and as a boy this character might be really interested in hearing more about...and all the sudden the kid does actually see the person and hurries out in an excited state to greet him?
Huh?
I think it's the order of events. What if you told this chronologically? - Kid hears dog bark - kid asks dog whassup - kid hears hoofbeats - kid muses on cad and what message might be coming in on the hoofbeats - kid realizes (I think this is important, this part is missing from your beginning) the hoofbeats AREN'T cad - kid makes some assumptions about who IS the hoofbeat dude, and then some decision about whether to approach or run off to fetch a grown up or dunk his head in the well or something.
Feel free to completely disregard my suggestions, but just offering up the opinion that at least THIS reader was confused by the beginning, and confusion for me in fiction makes me go elsewhere (no time to invest in resolving confusion...too many stories, not nearly enough hours in the day.)
posted
No reason to disregard them, KayTi. You are absolutely right. I'm doing the second draft now. I think everything you mentioned has been addressed. Thanks!
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