My story for WotF - looking for readers - 4.5k - 'How to kill a god.' is the prelude story to a novel I'm working on called: The Seeds of Persephone. A dark fantasy that holds no punches. This story is best read all together, but here are the first thirteen.
Reader: Never before in the keeping of time has there been a more destructive and perverse creature as the gods. They come in a verity of forms with there unfathomable lust for power over all beneath them. This power they wield has known neither limits nor boundaries. To force your worship, they will, rape, murder, pillage, and obliterate all who they deem an enemy in the vilest of ways imaginable. Each has their own traits, and few have ever done one good thing for any race under any sun. If you dare not worship them, they will hunt you down with war, famine, plague, and death until you break. Here now I will lay down the true origin of how these gods came into being. What they are and what you are. Doubt, in all itís emanate deterrent, was the first thought to ascend my mind, so bare with me Reader. I offer you the liberty to delve back within the records of time upon
[This message has been edited by walexander (edited August 18, 2010).]
A very intriguing hook. I like your depiction of the gods, it is a nice shift in perspective on classic mythology but certainly rings true. I also really like the second person address to the reader, it is unexpected enough to put me off balance and make the story seem fresh in a way.
Now here come the nit picks. In your opening line the you compare "creature" singular to "gods" plural, it would flow better if you rework the comparison so these match, something like "Never before in the keeping of time have there been more destructive and perverse creatures than the gods." A minor change for agreement. In the second sentence I think you meant "variety" instead of "verity."
The second to last sentence is a little unclear. This is mostly because of the clause "in all it's emanate deterrent." I am not sure that "emanate" is the right word, and I think "it's" (the contraction of it is) was meant to be "its" (the possessive pronoun).
I am sorry if I laid in a little heavily on the minute nits, but the concept is good enough that I want it to shine through.
I'd be happy to give a read as well. Send it over, I'll comment on your first 13 in my feedback for you as well as the whole story.
I'm actually polishing up my own WoTF submission as well. I sort of decided just two days ago to submit it for WoTF, it'll be my first. Bemused and Thomas already gave me good feedback on it, so I can tell you that you'll get good feedback from both!
I'm interested in hearing this. It sounds like a rather fresh idea. I AM however, concerned about the lack of "Showing", and the abundance of "Telling" in this opening thirteen. You're spending alot of words describing a thing that the reader's havent seen yet. They just have to take your word on it. I think it would be beneficial to show, if only in a single line, something evil that the gods did. Something that the reader can see and associate with. We know the narrator hates the gods, the reader has to hate them too.
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I'll send it out later today. I'm combing through it one last time to try and get all the there/theirs/they're and it's/its that seem no matter how hard I try to still pop up.
@ B. - Yah, creature needs to be creatures, it was just every time I read the sentence it sounded strange, but your right creatures it is. 'emanate deterrent' I was trying figure out a clause that meant 'quick to dismiss' If anyone has any suggestions I'll be happy to hear them.
@ Ko. - that last line of the thirteen is almost a direct challenge to the reader to break open almost any original telling of the gods after finishing the story to measure for themselves if they're worth having around. The reason I didn't mention specifics was most readers know already several myths of gods and their dark acts and I didn't want to point at one specific set of stories, because lets face it they all have their 'Moments.' The other reason - because this is for WotF I saved the extreme juicy stuff for the novel and kept this one to a mild roar so all ages could read. The concepts alone are so unique that I felt the story could stand on them - as you'll soon read and let me know - if I should add in more dark to the mix.
I'll get this out to you guys later, and anyone else who wishes to jump on the rollercoaster.
If you send it to WotF, change the title. They're supposed to be anonymous. We've had this discussion a few times before. Generally, we just post "WotF Submission" and maybe the year and quarter (Q4/10), to be on the safe side.
BTW - what you have reads like an info-dump and addresses the "Reader" directly. I think this will be hard to pull off without sounding pedantic, and keeping the "reader" from immersing.
But, good luck.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited August 19, 2010).]
Ok, everybody I thank you for taking the time to read this story - I got enough feed back to know It doesn't work as a stand alone story, and I thank you for taking the time to read it. To much info not enough story.
The good thing is I still have time to take one of the myths I researched and use one of them as a wotf story. Thanks again for taking the time. That's the great thing about having a forum to go to it lets you see how things stack up, you learn, and then tackle the next obstacle.