Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » How to kill a god. 4.5k - for WotF

   
Author Topic: How to kill a god. 4.5k - for WotF
walexander
Member
Member # 9151

 - posted      Profile for walexander   Email walexander         Edit/Delete Post 
My story for WotF - looking for readers - 4.5k - 'How to kill a god.' is the prelude story to a novel I'm working on called: The Seeds of Persephone. A dark fantasy that holds no punches.
This story is best read all together, but here are the first thirteen.

Reader: Never before in the keeping of time has there been a more destructive and perverse creature as the gods. They come in a verity of forms with there unfathomable lust for power over all beneath them. This power they wield has known neither limits nor boundaries. To force your worship, they will, rape, murder, pillage, and obliterate all who they deem an enemy in the vilest of ways imaginable. Each has their own traits, and few have ever done one good thing for any race under any sun. If you dare not worship them, they will hunt you down with war, famine, plague, and death until you break. Here now I will lay down the true origin of how these gods came into being. What they are and what you are. Doubt, in all itís emanate deterrent, was the first thought to ascend my mind, so bare with me Reader. I offer you the liberty to delve back within the records of time upon

[This message has been edited by walexander (edited August 18, 2010).]


Posts: 634 | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
thomaskcarpenter
Member
Member # 9192

 - posted      Profile for thomaskcarpenter   Email thomaskcarpenter         Edit/Delete Post 
I'll read it just based on the title alone.

Additionally, I hate to see any WOTF'er without crits for their stories. Send it along!


Posts: 118 | Registered: Jul 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bemused
Member
Member # 8465

 - posted      Profile for bemused   Email bemused         Edit/Delete Post 
A very intriguing hook. I like your depiction of the gods, it is a nice shift in perspective on classic mythology but certainly rings true. I also really like the second person address to the reader, it is unexpected enough to put me off balance and make the story seem fresh in a way.

Now here come the nit picks. In your opening line the you compare "creature" singular to "gods" plural, it would flow better if you rework the comparison so these match, something like "Never before in the keeping of time have there been more destructive and perverse creatures than the gods." A minor change for agreement. In the second sentence I think you meant "variety" instead of "verity."

The second to last sentence is a little unclear. This is mostly because of the clause "in all it's emanate deterrent." I am not sure that "emanate" is the right word, and I think "it's" (the contraction of it is) was meant to be "its" (the possessive pronoun).

I am sorry if I laid in a little heavily on the minute nits, but the concept is good enough that I want it to shine through.


Posts: 99 | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Osiris
Member
Member # 9196

 - posted      Profile for Osiris   Email Osiris         Edit/Delete Post 
I'd be happy to give a read as well. Send it over, I'll comment on your first 13 in my feedback for you as well as the whole story.

I'm actually polishing up my own WoTF submission as well. I sort of decided just two days ago to submit it for WoTF, it'll be my first. Bemused and Thomas already gave me good feedback on it, so I can tell you that you'll get good feedback from both!


Posts: 1043 | Registered: Jul 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KoDe Nichols
Member
Member # 7884

 - posted      Profile for KoDe Nichols   Email KoDe Nichols         Edit/Delete Post 
I'm interested in hearing this. It sounds like a rather fresh idea. I AM however, concerned about the lack of "Showing", and the abundance of "Telling" in this opening thirteen. You're spending alot of words describing a thing that the reader's havent seen yet. They just have to take your word on it. I think it would be beneficial to show, if only in a single line, something evil that the gods did. Something that the reader can see and associate with. We know the narrator hates the gods, the reader has to hate them too.
Posts: 60 | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bemused
Member
Member # 8465

 - posted      Profile for bemused   Email bemused         Edit/Delete Post 
Because I didn't say it explicitly in my first post: I would love to take a look at the whole story. You can send it along to me.
Posts: 99 | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
walexander
Member
Member # 9151

 - posted      Profile for walexander   Email walexander         Edit/Delete Post 
thanks gang,

I'll send it out later today. I'm combing through it one last time to try and get all the there/theirs/they're and it's/its that seem no matter how hard I try to still pop up.

@ B. - Yah, creature needs to be creatures, it was just every time I read the sentence it sounded strange, but your right creatures it is. 'emanate deterrent' I was trying figure out a clause that meant 'quick to dismiss' If anyone has any suggestions I'll be happy to hear them.

@ Ko. - that last line of the thirteen is almost a direct challenge to the reader to break open almost any original telling of the gods after finishing the story to measure for themselves if they're worth having around. The reason I didn't mention specifics was most readers know already several myths of gods and their dark acts and I didn't want to point at one specific set of stories, because lets face it they all have their 'Moments.' The other reason - because this is for WotF I saved the extreme juicy stuff for the novel and kept this one to a mild roar so all ages could read. The concepts alone are so unique that I felt the story could stand on them - as you'll soon read and let me know - if I should add in more dark to the mix.

I'll get this out to you guys later, and anyone else who wishes to jump on the rollercoaster.

Thanks,

W.


Posts: 634 | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
InarticulateBabbler
Member
Member # 4849

 - posted      Profile for InarticulateBabbler   Email InarticulateBabbler         Edit/Delete Post 
If you send it to WotF, change the title. They're supposed to be anonymous. We've had this discussion a few times before. Generally, we just post "WotF Submission" and maybe the year and quarter (Q4/10), to be on the safe side.

BTW - what you have reads like an info-dump and addresses the "Reader" directly. I think this will be hard to pull off without sounding pedantic, and keeping the "reader" from immersing.

But, good luck.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited August 19, 2010).]


Posts: 3687 | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
walexander
Member
Member # 9151

 - posted      Profile for walexander   Email walexander         Edit/Delete Post 
E-mails sent to all who asked - drop a note that you received it when you can. It was doc. format but I can change it to about anything if needed.

Thanks again for your time,

Hopefully it will at least be a little amusing.

Cheers,

W.

I didn't quite understand the change title comment. Can you direct me to that thread or explain. I'm kind of new to the WotF contest.


Posts: 634 | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Osiris
Member
Member # 9196

 - posted      Profile for Osiris   Email Osiris         Edit/Delete Post 
Got it, hope to have it back to you by Sunday if not sooner.
Posts: 1043 | Registered: Jul 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
babooher
Member
Member # 8617

 - posted      Profile for babooher   Email babooher         Edit/Delete Post 
I'd love a look at this. Send me the file if you can. I've got one crit to finish and then whatever comes next.
Posts: 823 | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
walexander
Member
Member # 9151

 - posted      Profile for walexander   Email walexander         Edit/Delete Post 
ba - sent it to you.

Thanks,

W.


Posts: 634 | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
walexander
Member
Member # 9151

 - posted      Profile for walexander   Email walexander         Edit/Delete Post 
Ok, everybody I thank you for taking the time to read this story - I got enough feed back to know It doesn't work as a stand alone story, and I thank you for taking the time to read it. To much info not enough story.

The good thing is I still have time to take one of the myths I researched and use one of them as a wotf story. Thanks again for taking the time. That's the great thing about having a forum to go to it lets you see how things stack up, you learn, and then tackle the next obstacle.

Onward and upward

Cheers,

W.


Posts: 634 | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2