This has 23 pronouns in it.
This has 10 uses of 'was' and 'were'.
This lacks even a single contraction.
What does it mean? It lends to a mechanical narrative. Not much feeling to it when it should be loaded with it. The man is about to die and I could care less at this point.
This needs, IMO, some economical trimming for start.
Brock Gossard was a big one, everyone had always said so.
One what? Unless this is important, cut. In fact it needs surgery.
Brock Gossard was big, everyone said so.
His mother would call him her 'gentle giant' when he would visit after being away on a job.
He was only a gentle giant when visiting from his job? More trimming is needed.
Mother would call him her 'gentle giant'
But he was not big enough today.
Trying notching this up on the emotional scale
, but he didn't feel very big today.
He was a prisoner of the purpose built gurney and he would never see his mother again.
Good place to start another paragraph. May I suggest you change purpose built to executioner's and remove everything after 'gurney'. I liked that he wouldn't be seeing his mother again but it needs to be placed at the end of the paragraph to lend weight to it.
The gurney was pitched at a forty-five degree angle in a white medical bay somewhere deep in the Union of Worlds justice center.
No issue with this.
The straps binding him were tight and strong, strong enough that the guards were gone and the only person attending his sentence was a thirty-something nurse.
This should be two sentences, with a few minor fixes. You should also spell out the nurse's purpose in the scene.
The straps binding him were tight and strong, strong enough that his guards were no longer needed. The only person attending his sentence was a thirty-something nurse, his executioner.
She was pretty and quite female but there was a determination in those hazel eyes that offered no hope of reprieve.
Not sure if 'quite female' means she is attractive or not a android. I think this could use a bit tweaking as well.
She was pretty and quite female but with a determination in her hazel eyes that offered no hope of reprieve.
Not much of a problem with the rest.
Hope this helps!
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited August 30, 2010).]