Topic: Creatures of the Night - Horror - 2,200 words
This isn't necessarily about creatures in the night. This is more like the name of a (horror) toy collection I made up (I think). At least, it just came to me, but if it's the name of something already, then I apologize. This is more of a toy kind of horror story. Don't be fooled by the way it sounds and think it's like Puppetmaster or something. I've never seen Puppetmaster (as much as I remember). But anyway, I hope you like. Let me know anything you think I should know. You've all been a great help so far. I plan on sending these few short stories I've been writing to some Horror-zines.
Oh, and it is not yet complete, but if you would like a read of it when it's finished, then thank you. That would be greatly appreciated and I will return the favor.
I wanted to get The Creatures of the Night collection of toys so badly, but my granddaddy said no. I stared at the toys on the shelf, wishing he’d change his mind. “You ain’t gettin no dawg-on devil toys,” my pop said as we walked through the toy store. “Them toys’re for the wicked. Are you of the wicked, boy?” “No sir,” I said, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the toys. A strange malevolent force drew me to them. My granddaddy was already down the isle. “Come buy us, Robby, come play with us...” The distant voices of the toys said. I stepped forward. Did they really talk? No. They couldn’t have. They’re toys for crying out loud. “Please, Robby... It gets so lonely here. Please buy us.”
Overall, it's an interesting idea. Just a suggestion, but I thought the first sentence was kind of slow and redundant. If you started out with the grandad's words 'You ain't buying no devil-toy' etc. it gives an immediate pop of curiosity. I can tell already from the conversation that the boy wants those toys and that the grandpa is against it. Makes the first sentence unnecessary. Nice idea. I'd read more.
Posts: 266 | Registered: Apr 2010
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The only thing I can add is this: you call the grandpa "grandaddy" and "pop", which isn't a big deal, but in the very beginning like this, you might want to pick one tag and stick with it. Only because it was confusing for all of a millisecond. But that's just me.
The first two sentences could have been put with the "No, Sir." paragraph to reduce redundancy. "collection of" could be taken out of the first sentence because I believe "Creatures of the Night toys" comes accross just as well.
Might just be my own "density", but early on I became confused about whether his granddaddy and his pop are the same person, or 2 different people. Where I come from, Pop is your father, while granddaddy would be your grandfather, but you've written it as though they are 2 words for the same person. I'm still not sure if it's one or 2 people...