posted
Enchanting always fascinated me, so when the opportunity to work over the summer in a job shadowing program arose, I was quick to apply. Of course, I have no idea how many other applicants there were, but only I was chosen. My assignment: Old Stevie's Enchanting and Bejeweling. The grunt work, what everyone would start on, according to Mr. Stephen Oldkirk, were there anyone else, was feeding the clams. Later I would help him harvest and place the clams when the time came to breed them. This, of course, is one of the key advancements of modern technology. Once it became possible to breed pearl clams and selectively breed larger and larger ones into the domesticated giants we have today, it was possible
Posts: 14 | Registered: Feb 2008
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posted
I didn't mind the first paragraph, it had its own voice which was nice. However, the notion of Enchanting being a job as opposed to an adjective took a moment to get my head around, disrupting the first sentence.
The opening sentence of the second paragraph (The grunt work, ...) is very choppy and hard to read. The paragraph that follows appears to be exposition which is (at this early stage in the story) not succeeding in retaining my interest enough, whereas something more dramatic might.
posted
"Enchanting always fascinated me, so when the opportunity to work over the summer in a job shadowing program arose, I was quick to apply. Of course, I have no idea how many other applicants there were, but only I was chosen. My assignment: Old Stevie's Enchanting and Bejeweling. The grunt work, what everyone would start on, according to Mr. Stephen Oldkirk, were there anyone else, was feeding the clams. Later I would help him harvest and place the clams when the time came to breed them. This, of course, is one of the key advancements of modern technology. Once it became possible to breed pearl clams and selectively breed larger and larger ones into the domesticated giants we have today, it was possible"
Not too bad even though I think you need to clarify which enchanting we are dealing with here sooner. Not sure if you need the "My assignment." Unless there's something else going on we don't know about.
And "were there anyone else" sounds funny. To me at least. I can see why you want it there but maybe try it with other words.
And what I've been told is that we need to watch the Was-s and has-s had-s etc especially in an opening. Sometimes we have to have them but try cut down their use. If I recall correctly it makes it sound to passive.
Nice start though, even though a hint of what the problem is might be helpful.
posted
First paragraph is ok, but it leaves me wondering what kind of enchanting you're talking about, and I don't get the impression that I'm going to find out any time soon. 2nd paragraph (especially the 1st sentence) is somewhat jumbled and confusing. It also comes across as a sort of info-dump about cbreeding pearl clams. Not grabbing my interest...
Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007
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I feel that I only have a vague idea of what the story will be about. I know there's a job that involves some sort of enchantments and clams. Is the job for people who specialize in aquatic magic? Because that's a really cool job that has lots of story possibilities. In my opinion, I need to know why this job is important. And, I am having trouble getting a feel for the narrator. I'm assuming he/she is young. But, I don't know how she/he really feels about the new job. Posts: 11 | Registered: Sep 2010
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