v2 (also including some small changes from suggestions from friends): I am not a thief by nature, really. Despite the seemingly exhaustive training scenarios I was still nervous. But time was limited so I figured I should keep moving and enter the alien ship before they woke up. I punched the oversized button to the airlock and was walloped by a smell that I will never forget. It created an overwhelming primal fear that blackened my vision and stole control of my body from me. I struggled to breathe the raw musky air as my body crumpled to the hard floor. The air was supposed to within normal range. This was definitely not covered in the training.

v5 (barely in 13 lines now): I let the cargo loader drift very slowly forward and breathed a sigh of relief when contact was made with the air lock. The grapples automatically tightened and the first light turned green. I started my calming exercises, but I was disappointed that the second light turned blue and the cargo loader door slid open before I finished half a breath. Sneaking into an alien ship was not my idea of fun, even if this was during their sleep cycle. Time was limited so I swallowed my doubts and punched the oversized button to the airlock. I was assailed by a smell that I will never forget. It created an overwhelming primal fear that blackened my vision and stole control of my body from me. I struggled to breathe the raw musky air as my body crumpled to the hard floor. This was definitely not covered in the training.

You have an interesting concept here, but I am not convinced of some of the things you wrote.

One, you say your MC has had extensive training to be a thief. So I'm thinking he has been trained in what he's about to do; theft of an alien ship.

Two, at the end you have the statement that his predicament was not covered in training. Hmm... this doesn't ring true with your statement of extensive training. I just couldn't get past that in my head.

This is all just my opinion. Take it or leave it.
Hope that helps.

PB

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I'm commenting directly from your second version. I like the scene you've painted about trying to steal something from an alien ship.

I actually think you could really tighten it up by removing that second sentence altogether. You really don't need to mention twice that you've had training, and that sentence is rather more "tell" than "show". If you remove it you'd get:

quote:

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I am not a thief by nature, really. But time was limited so I figured I should keep moving and enter the alien ship before they woke up. I punched the oversized button to the airlock and was walloped by a smell that I will never forget. It created an overwhelming primal fear that blackened my vision and stole control of my body from me. I struggled to breathe the raw musky air as my body crumpled to the hard floor. The air was supposed to within normal range. This was definitely not covered in the training.

---

I think you're missing a "be" in the second to last sentence ("to within normal range").

Also, I wonder why there is a working airlock if there is air on both sides of it.

Good start

There has to be a working airlock because in space there is no guarantee that there is air on the outside. In an earlier version I had him opening the door into the ship, but then realized that the airlock had to be there. The story does go into more detail later.

"I wiped my sweaty palms on my pants as I crept through the bushes to the alien's ship. I noticed my hands trembled as I reached out to release the airlock. My training told me my heart and breathing rate was to high. I needed to take a few minutes to calm down, but I didn't have a few minutes. The aliens could wake up any time now."

Okay, so it's not a terrific beginning but I hope I got the idea of showing, rather than telling. Telling is fine when you just need to get information across, but an opening should be a scene that is shown, not told.

For me, similar to Jayazman, I thought there was a little too much distilled information (some call it telling). Not as strongly as Jayazman, however - the first person POV can handle much more than any other POV, as it also has room to capture a "voice". So, in the first opening, it was your voice that led me to not worry about certain "missing" information - I trusted that if it was important, you would reveal it later. By putting in the extra information, it went from on the verge of over-explained to really over-explained. There is some other information that probably is not needed, however, only you know the rest of the story, so I don't yet really know. For example, why do we need to know he was nervous? That is probably the type of information that is better hinted at rather than directly told - believe in the intelligence of the reader to pick it up.

quote:

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I am not a thief by nature, really. Despite the extensive training I was still nervous. But time was limited so I figured I should keep moving and enter the alien ship. I punched the oversized button to the airlock and was immediately hit by a primal fear that blackened my vision and stole control of my body from me. I struggled to breathe the raw musky air as my body crumpled to the hard floor. This was not covered in the training.

v2 (also including some small changes from suggestions from friends):

I am not a thief by nature, really. Despite the seemingly exhaustive training scenarios I was still nervous. But time was limited so I figured I should keep moving and enter the alien ship before they woke up. I punched the oversized button to the airlock and was walloped by a smell that I will never forget. It created an overwhelming primal fear that blackened my vision and stole control of my body from me. I struggled to breathe the raw musky air as my body crumpled to the hard floor. The air was supposed to within normal range. This was definitely not covered in the training.

---

I am only going to comment on your first two lines.

1. Avoid telling people what is NOT and tell them instead what IS. This is a good rule. Don't say 'I wasn't nervous' say instead 'I was relaxed' (although that is telling, so avoid that too!) . See Strunk and White 'The Elements of Style'.

2. So the information you want to convey is that your guy isn't a thief (but is by default engaged in theft) and he is nervous despite being trained.

If you sink into to your Character and imagine yourself there.Training has finished. He's learned from his mistakes--now it's real, as real as it can be. He wishes he was as calmer. His leg shakes (or stomach turns or he wipes the sweat from his palms). He contemplates the airlock button, his finger hovering over it for a moment. Pressing it commits him-steal the ship or die, he knows. There is no turning back.

I haven't tried to write prose above, just observations I think could be worked into prose as they define the moment (as I see it)--at first you either shouldn't until you can clearly see how it feels, what they see, what they think. Transmit his tension. You don't have to be blunt about the theft and the training, feels a little info dumpy. If you thread beads of information with threads of narrative or emotion they can disappear.

The rest of the intro loses the immediacy of 1st person POV and needs to be re-worked.

All my opinion, of course.

I noticed that a number of people have what I would consider misconceptions about the story (i.e. the ship is in space not on the ground, the MC is stealing something on the ship not the whole ship). On the one hand I would like the opening to be clear enough that these do not happen, but I also think that I do not need to address all of these things in the first 13 lines. Thoughts?

I like number five better except it doesn't say that this is a career choice. I'm not sure if you could and still keep it under 13 lines however. Of course not everything has to be in the first 13 lines. I believe I have tried to do the same thing; cram too much info into too small a space. It's one of those things we, as writers, need to get the hang of-not doing it.

I think you can condense sentences one and three. That is try to say the same thing in less words; yeah, I know you have got to be kidding but it can be done.

And lastly even though it's not bad, I think the "I was assailed" sentence could be done better. I'm not sure how, it's one of the things I'm learning but try to get rid of the was.

I let the cargo loader drift very slowly forward and breathed a sigh of relief when contact was made with the air lock. The grapples automatically tightened and the first light(You used 'the', but I have no idea where this light is.) turned green. I started my calming exercises, but I was disappointed(This is telling. You could show his dissapointment - My heart sank when...) that the second light turned blue and the cargo loader door slid open before I finished half a breath. Sneaking into an alien ship was not my idea of fun, even if this was during their sleep cycle. Time was limited so I swallowed my doubts and punched the oversized button to the airlock. I was assailed by a smell that I will never forget(This authorial intrusion (I will never forget..). It makes me remember that the story is being told and so removes any immersion). It created an overwhelming primal fear that blackened my vision and stole control of my body from me(You are telling the fear rather than showing it--think about the physical and mental aspects of this primal fear...how do they manifest. Also you say it stole control of his body? How? it is a vagues statement, clarifying will keep the reader in the story). I struggled (...so not completely stolen, eh?)to breathe the raw musky air as my body crumpled (Gives me the impression we are watching him crumple to the floor. If he is blacking out (can't breath?) then describe it from within)to the hard floor. This was definitely not covered in the training (if the protag is son the floor then the scence should end when he loses consciousness--if not, then it feels a little glib given the situation...).