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Author Topic: Hunger
Jennywinnie
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need reads and any critiques on the these 13 would be awesome.

I zipped my coat up. It was starting to get cold in our little Toyota, and we didnít have enough reserved cash to fill the tank. That meant no heater. We'd have to improvise again. Normally, Cassandra did pretty good in her doubled up fleece blankets, she was flexible. I was the one who really hated the cold.
I thought about what Mike might be doing now. Probably still sitting in the waiting room, or filling out some paperwork, simple stuff really but I was nervous for him. We were really pinning our hopes on this interview. I thought about going too, but I hadn't graduated--he had the best chance between us.
I reached over and opened the glove compartment, extracting a pack of crackers that would comprise my breakfast and lunch for today. I gently peeled apart the plastic, trying to imagine that


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XD3V0NX
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I like your voice in this, and I would read on.

The way she talks, I like.

I don't see much in this that is an issue, except for the few little parts of grammar, but I suppose that's all right because some of it could come off as stylistic. But certain parts like, "Probably still sitting in the waiting room, or filling out some paperwork, simple stuff really but I was nervous for him"

Instead of saying it like that, you could place a period after paperwork, and get rid of "really". I think you say "really" one too many times in this. Suggestion: "Probably still sitting in the waiting room, or filling out paper work. Simple stuff. I was nervous for him."

Sometimes, the way you write and structure sentences, as I have learned, can make the way a certain emotion is supposed to be portrayed to your reading audience. I think that makes sense, but yea, if it doesn't, sorry.

Next line: "We were really..." again, you can get rid of "really" and reduce the word count.

"I thought about going too, but I hadn't graduated--he had the best chance between us." - the way this reads comes off as a little strange to me. Suggestion: "I thought about going, too, but I hadn't graduated. He had the best chance between us." I know I didn't change much of anything, but to me, when certain punctuation isn't where it should be, in my head, sometimes it just bothers me. That is just my opinion, though.

"I reached over and opened the glove compartment, extracting a pack of crackers that would comprise my breakfast and lunch for today. I gently peeled apart the plastic, trying to imagine that..." this last line. I like this. You have good description, and I can hear the plastic being peeled apart.

Anyway, I hope this helps for what its worth.

I would like to take a look at this. It's a good opening, IMO.

[This message has been edited by XD3V0NX (edited September 27, 2010).]


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Jennywinnie
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OK, it sent it. Thanks!
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jayazman
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I liked it. I didn't have a problem with the way most of the sentences are structured except for the first two.

I zipped my coat up. I zipped up my coat.
It was starting to get cold in our little Toyota, and we didnít have enough reserved cash to fill the tank. The temperature in our little Toyota edged towards freezing, and ...

Other than that it seems like a good start. I will read it if you are not in a hurry to get it back.


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NoTimeToThink
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Like the start overall, and as stated earlier, good voice.
There are some word and phrase choices that are reducing the impact and tension of you POV character's situation, or just slowing things down ("starting to get cold" instead of "getting cold", Normally, repeated really's.)
Also, when you say "simple stuff really", it minimizes how important the interview is and makes it seem simple and unlikely to fail; I would drop that. You are also putting the emphasis of the POV's thoughts on worrying for the interviewee instead of worrying for the family (and herself) who will freeze in the car if the interview doesn't succeed, so I would also drop "but I was nervous for him".
Just my opinion...

[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited September 28, 2010).]


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LDWriter2
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quote:

I zipped my coat up. It was starting to get cold in our little Toyota, and we didnít have enough reserved cash to fill the tank. That meant no heater. We'd have to improvise again. Normally, Cassandra did pretty good in her doubled up fleece blankets, she was flexible. I was the one who really hated the cold.
I thought about what Mike might be doing now. Probably still sitting in the waiting room, or filling out some paperwork, simple stuff really but I was nervous for him. We were really pinning our hopes on this interview. I thought about going too, but I hadn't graduated--he had the best chance between us.
I reached over and opened the glove compartment, extracting a pack of crackers that would comprise my breakfast and lunch for today. I gently peeled apart the plastic, trying to imagine that

Actually, I read this last night but didn't give myself enough time to comment.

But than again I'm not sure what to say. I think that "I thought about what Mike" might be better as "I wondered what Mike".

I'm not sure if you need "reserved" in the second sentence. It could distract as the reader wonders if it should be reserve or if it means they budget different amounts of money for different things and they can't pull money from one to another. Or it could be just me.

Lastly, even though I don't have time to read the whole thing, the title makes me wonder where this will go. I could come up with many plots-half would be horror stories. But even though you create curiosity about which way the story will go I wonder if more of a hint is needed.

That's all I have. I say I wonder because I think it my suggestion will work but I can't say for sure.


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Jennywinnie
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Thanks so much guys for the suggestions! I really love this site.
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Reddog
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You really captured the vulnerability of this little family in a handful of details--there's a baby wrapped in blankets in the car. Crackers for a meal. They'll have to improvise without the heater. (Are they living in the Toyota?)The fact that the details come out so low key and practical-- just some roadblocks to overcome-- makes me respect this character a lot. She's not a drama queen about the situation; the family is just ... well, improvising. So now I'm worried about them (especially Cassandra) and I want to know what happens.

I loved the observation about Cassandra--she's flexible.

Red


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LDWriter2
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quote:

You really captured the vulnerability of this little family in a handful of details--there's a baby wrapped in blankets in the car. Crackers for a meal. They'll have to improvise without the heater. (Are they living in the Toyota?)The fact that the details come out so low key and practical-- just some roadblocks to overcome-- makes me respect this character a lot. She's not a drama queen about the situation; the family is just ... well, improvising. So now I'm worried about them (especially Cassandra) and I want to know what happens.
I loved the observation about Cassandra--she's flexible.

Oops, that made me think Cassandra was a friend in their cliche, who was having the same type of problems.


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Corky
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I think the word you want is "clique" not "cliche."
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LDWriter2
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Corky, you're right. I was in a hurry and that was the closest my spell checker came to the word I wanted.

But at the same time, it may not matter much because I used the wrong word. I should have said close friends group. Cliques aren't always that close.


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