posted
This is an in progress fantasy piece set in a world I've been developing.
Selah Edelstein hadn’t survived two wars and a genocide to have his authority on matters of survival challenged, not by some cocky American too young to have even fought the Nazis. So when the young soldier in tan told him to stop his prayers and “get the hell out of here,” as only an American can, which is to say rather rudely, the aged plaguebearer simply pretended that he couldn’t understand him. Selah merely nodded and smiled, then continued praying, looking for all the world like so many Ashkenazim that had fled to Palestine in the years after Hitler’s terrible war. A little old, perhaps, but Selah planned to live much longer. As long as the task took. The most secret magics of HaShem required a lifetime of learning to wield, but were worth ten lifetimes of power.
posted
I think you have quite an interesting story. While I do like it, I feel there is too much exposition and not a lot of description. For instance, instead of telling the reader that Selah is old, perhaps you can describe how his voice trembles when he prays and it is no longer the smooth, strong voice of his youth. At least something along those lines.
I don't mean to nitpick, but this one sentence stood out:
quote:So when the young soldier in tan told him to stop his prayers and “get the hell out of here,” as only an American can, which is to say rather rudely...
This might be personal preference, but I think the 'rather rudely' is redundant since telling someone who is praying to 'get the hell out' is obviously rude.
Other than that, I think you have the makings of a good story. I definitely want to know what kind of secret magic does this old man possess and how he plans on wielding it.
posted
This looks pretty interesting, Judaic sacred magic. I guess it's set in approximately the present time or near past since WWII vets are still around...unless there is extended lifetime in this world. And there's some mystery about who/what Selah is. I'd read on.
Not sure what to make of the plaguebearers. Sounds interesting, but there is something on the Internet about a War Hammer game critter with this name.
The writing is good, however, you might want to skip some of the witty comments and move the story forward. This is a judgement call. If you keep up the witty comments through out the story then it is part of the voice, if you don't, then take the witty comments out of the beginning as well.
There is a lot of telling. This happens a lot in short stories since there isn't the room to show everything. Just something to think about.
This sentence " So when the young soldier in tan told him to stop his prayers and “get the hell out of here,” as only an American can, which is to say rather rudely, the aged plaguebearer simply pretended that he couldn’t understand him." is really long. Consider revising.
"Selah merely nodded and smiled, then continued praying, looking for all the world like so many Ashkenazim that had fled to Palestine in the years after Hitler’s terrible war." This sentence confused me. Is Selah an Ashkenazim or not? If you're going to bring it up, you should resolve the question.
"As long as the task took." I couldn't figure out what task is being referenced. I'm thinking you meant to be giving a hook to the reader, but I didn't bite. Instead I got confused and pulled out of the story. I feel it doesn't belong here, but that depends on how the rest of the story goes.
But as I said, I liked it and if I saw it in a magazine I would continue reading.
posted
The premise is interesting. But the first three sentences are so long and complicated, I'm not sure I would continue reading. I read to relax; I don't like to work for a story. Eliminating some of the wordiness would help.
Instead of: So when the young soldier in tan told him to stop his prayers and “get the hell out of here,” as only an American can, which is to say rather rudely, the aged plaguebearer simply pretended that he couldn’t understand him.
Maybe this: So when the soldier told him to stop his prayers and "get the hell out of here," as only a rude American can, the aged plaguebearer pretended he couldn't understand.
As I shared with you [ http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum26/HTML/000929.html ], I have also been drawn (intrigued by the subject matter and the rarity) to sf & fantasy by or about Jews and Judaism. We have thousands of years of legends and folklore, and a rich and detailed mystical (cum magical) belief system. I suspect this may be the "Kabbalist wizard" about whom you wrote you had "written a story or two."
I had less a problem with the length of the sentences since I believe it reflects the style of speech and thought of your protagonist. [I know many long-winded Jews. >smile< And I've studied many a rabbinic discourse.] However, our audience (as our fellow Hatrack Members note) may have less patience unless each word is rich and rewarding and the sentence construction flows smooth and its meaning is clear.
Some suggestions:
Selah Edelstein hadn’t survived two wars and a genocide to have his authority on matters of survival challenged. [Especially not by some cocky American who looked like he'd been fighting diaper rash when Selah had been fighting the Nazis.] So when the young soldier in tan told him to stop his prayers and “get the hell out of here,” as only an American can, the aged plaguebearer simply pretended that he couldn’t understand him. Selah nodded and smiled, and continued praying. He looked for all the world like so many of the Ashkenazim that had fled to [Palestine] in the years after Hitler’s terrible war: dark coat, frum hat, silver beard and long peyez curling at his temples. He looked older than most of the Survivors, perhaps, but Selah planned to live much longer. As long as the task took. The most secret magics of HaShem required a lifetime of learning in order to wield them, but such power was worth ten lifetimes.
I would also like to know more of the time and setting. Is Selah still in Europe? Is he in Palestine? [I wanted him to be. Perhaps in 1947 or 1948 when Arab-Jewish-British tensions were very high. Perhaps praying at the contested Wailing Wall in East Jerualem. The Wall is the holiest site in Judaism (and thus mystically powerful). But I suspect I am wrong, for you would have used a British and not an American soldier].
Anyway. I would definitely read more. I'll repeat my question from the other thread: By chance, did you ever find an audience for your stories of a "Kabbalist wizard"?
I'd appreciate your experience (and any discoveries) regarding which markets may be interested in such stories.
Respectfully, History
[This message has been edited by History (edited October 15, 2010).]
posted
Thanks for all the comments folks; you can probably expect an updated 13 once the acida from my first round of exams subsides. Fingers crossed I remembered what all the parts of the brain are for.
History (love the handle, btw, since it’s my major): No market yet, but if the WOTF judges like the novelette I sent them, at least one story will have a home. This story is actually about said wizard’s master. The setting, if you’ll permit a slight spoiler… well, your guess was pretty much spot on. Palestine, 1948, but the American is a Johnny-come-lately signup for the newly formed IDF.
[This message has been edited by EP Kaplan (edited October 19, 2010).]
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