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Here's a flash fiction story that won't be longer than 700 words. If you would like to take a look at it, let me know. Also, is This a hooking opening? What do you think can make it better? And let me know anything else that would benifit me.
Thank you.
I have several titles I'm trying to choose from, too. What sounds better:
1)Collecting Souls from the Wicked 2)Collector of Evil 3)The Evil Collector 4)Souls of the Wicked 5)Soul Collector
I'm having trouble thinking of a title. Any suggestions would be Greatly appreciated. ___________________________________________________________
I’d been stuck in this trunk for two days. My mouth was dry, my skin hot. Sweaty. My head throbbed. Ached. My long hair was sticky, tangled in my face. It was dark, and I’d gone crazy. I kept hearing a whispering voice talk to me, saying things like “There is a way, my dear. You will find it in time.” I’d been kidnapped, and there was no way out that I could see. I was going to die. The kidnapper hadn’t returned. What did he want with me? I punched the metal interior, bruising my knuckles. Then I punched again. “Let me out of here!” I screamed for the thousandths time. My throat was raspy. I needed water. My stomach growled. Food—I needed that, too. There was a bang on the hood. Then another bang. I heard that same whispering voice. “Trapped, are we?”
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As for the titles, I think the first and fourth one are the strongest. The others seem too generic.
How did your character know two full days had passed? Did he/she have a watch? Phone? Without reception bc the tin box wouldn't allow calls through. Or was it based on a natural known time elapse.
You do a good job with the dehydration. Maybe you can add that the metal of the tin was also damp due to the hot air creating sweat beads..?
I screamed for the thousandths time. < I think you can make this stronger. Change it up a bit. The number doesn't seem to flow. "I lost count of my unheard screams. Only my raspy voice retained that number, through pain." Just something the get rid of 'thousandths' It will work.
I like how the same voice is talking to him both times. Keeps one wondering. Is there a game this capturer is playing? And why is he captured.
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maybe "Collector of Souls" or "The Soul Collector." Its kind of like "The Bone Collector", a title that always stuck in my mind after seeing the movie.
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I like Soul Collector, or The Soul Collector best. And I'm really into this opening. I hope you finish it soon so you can send it my way! I agree that the "thousandth time" line could flow better. But it's fantastic description, and I too like the whispering voice. Has he gone mad and is hearing voices, or is someone outside screwing with him, or is it something supernatural? I guess I'll find out!
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Okay overall I like it. It's straight into the action and I want to read more, just a couple of things that bugged me.
Do you really need the single word 'ached'? You've already stated your head throbbed. Likewise you don't need to mention your hair is long, if it's tangled in your face that's implicit.
I don't think you need to tell us outright you've been kidnapped either, I get that from the fact your stuck in the trunk of a car.
Minor things really but just felt they detract from the flow of the piece.
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I like the trapped feeling you've set and I would probably read on but-
You have a few comma errors that should be fixed, but I'll leave that to the grammer pro's here to comment on.
It's a interesting premise but you're going to have to clear up some things.
I agree that you don't need to tell us the kidnap part - It's pretty clear.
The parts that didn't ring so well with me was the fact he has been there two days and he is still punching the car to make sound for no apparent reason. Wouldn't his hands be bloody by now, or bruised badly unless covered? Plus two days in a trunk - what about a bathroom - cramped muscles, headache, hard to breath - unless there is ventilation. Is the car sitting in a cold climate or hot? To count days Hot during the day - cold at night - maybe - just a thought. In a parking garage he might hear an echo of the bang he makes.
At two days no water - it would be 'attempted' to scream but barely anything could be heard unless measures were taken to keep some water in you. You would probably from the combined problems be a little delirious and disorientated. The only thing that would keep you going is fear of death. Remember your mc if smart might realize urine can be reused as water to help stave off death and keep his throat wet.
quote:and there was no way out that I could see
You can't see in a dark trunk unless you have a light source?
quote:tangled in my face.
His hands are free to bang with so why wouldn't he force his hair back out of his face. If its sticky it should cling together behind his head. Could even be twisted together. If you have two days a lot can be done.
At two day your stomach stops thinking about food - you wouldn't feel hunger over worry of survival and water. Food would be the last thing on your mind if your MC has half a brain.
Most peoples hands if free would be torn up from trying to push, pull, tear at anything that might give them escape. If he has shoes on why not kick with a heel of the shoe rather than bang with a hand? Clothes can absorb sweat and can be rung out over the mouth to give a little water.
You would think of a lot of things over two days. Time slows down and two days would feel like a eternity unless your MC is one cool character under pressure. There is also the problem that unless the hands are tied most car trunks can be opened from the inside. It's a safety measure I believe, but I'm not sure - you'll have to research it.
I like where your going with it, but it needs a few fixes.
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Thank you, Grimwood, PollyKing and Waxlander. I liked all the advice, and I have not been on hatrack in a while, so I had no idea any one reviewed this lately, but this story did just recently get accepted for publication, and it also extended to about 2,300 words in its final version.
I will still send it to those who would like to have a look at it, though. x]
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