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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Noir

   
Author Topic: Noir
bandgeek9723
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Here is my short story "Noir." General Fiction with a Film Noir bent (thus the name)
About 1400 words

--

I could see in her eyes that I was in trouble. I don’t know what I had done, but I knew that before the night was over I’d be sorry.
Before I could even take off my rain soaked hat she was yelling at me, “You bastard!”
“What?” I asked, a dumb look plastered on my face. I’d like you to think that I was just playing dumb, but to be frank, more often than not, that same look could be seen across my ugly mug.
“Who was she?”
“Who?” oh ****. I took off my hat and hung it on the peg beside the door, trying to act as though nothing was wrong.
“That cheap floozy I caught you with at the Diner last night.”

[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited October 18, 2010).]


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Corky
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Hmm. It might help if you said who "she" is from the very beginning. As it is, how do we know where this is taking place?

This guy could be coming in to work, and "she" is his receptionist, or he could be coming home, and "she" is his wife (or significant other or housekeeper or babysitter or cook or whatever).

You have room for a little more information, because this is less than 13 lines.


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bandgeek9723
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Oops, fixed it. Now it's the first 13.
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KMMeyer
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For me, the MC just saying "what" with a confused expression on his face was a rather casual reaction. It is a natural for people to become very defensive instantly when being attacked like that. The reaction here isn't quite believable.

Of course, this type of reaction could be very characteristic of your MC. It's hard to be able to tell without reading the entire piece; however, if this isn't typical of his personality you may need to do some tweaking there.


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Twiggy
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If the MC was caught with a floozy the night before, he wouldn't have to wonder why he was in trouble. Maybe you should say the woman had seen him.

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