posted
Hi all, I'd love some feedback on my first 13 lines. If you're interested I can share the rest of my draft with you. Thanks!
Tommy leaned into the red glow of the soda machine giving his skin the appearance of baked flesh, bloodied and tortured, blistered from the sun. Tommy dropped the first set of change into the slot, fumbled to retrieve the soda can and greedily guzzled down the stickly-sweet drink. Sighing with relief, Tommy quickly purchased three more cans of soda, two for later, and popped the top on a third one. Bleary-eyed Tommy looked up and saw a cork board labeled Community Events. Plastered across the cork were identical bright red flyers: Red Wolf Moon Festival Tonight at Wolf Rock. Cresting the second floor Tommy absently pushed a motel door open, leaned down to set the sodas on a coffee table, and looked up to see the longest, sexiest legs, he had ever seen in his life. His eyes followed the contours and curves of those incredible legs up
quote:Tommy leaned into the red glow of the soda machine giving his skin the appearance of baked flesh, bloodied and tortured, blistered from the sun.
--First, I think you started in an interesting/intriguing spot. Words like "baked," "fumbled," and "guzzled" give me the immediate impression that your character is exhausted--I picture him having just come in from a run, breathing hard, with sweat soaking through his t-shirt. Which is great character/scene painting. You gave me just enough of a vibe to paint a vivid picture in my own imagination. On the other hand, you're going a bit overboard on skin imagery, IMO. Mostly the bloodied/tortured bit--not because it's gross or anything, but because I imagine in order to really look like you've been tortured, you'd have to have glaring irregularities/blemishes to give your skin a mottled look, in addition to a mere wash of red light. If you're going for kinda disturbing, the use of "baked flesh" already covers that base. The rest is just hitting us over the head with it.
quote:stickly-sweet drink
--Sticky-sweet, or sickly-sweet. One or t'other will do.
quote:three more cans of soda, two for later, and popped the top on a third one.
--the numbering system trips me up a bit, here. The "third one" he pops open is the *second* one he's drinking, and the *fourth* one he's bought. The way you've presented the info just made me blink and go over it a couple times.
quote:Bleary-eyed Tommy looked up
--you're starting your fourth sentence in a row here stating the guy's name within the first 4 words. Plus, calling him "Bleary-eyed Tommy" is starting to give me a sing-song nursery rhyme vibe. Like "Lazy Jack" or "Wee Willy Winkie."
quote:Cresting the second floor . . .
--Woah, way abrupt jump from reading the corkboard flyers to all of a sudden being up the stairs. Did he Blink, or something? I'd rather have another line or two about the Red Wolf Moon flyers. Since it's mentioned in the title, I assume it has a large part to do with the plot, and so would provide a stronger hook if you took a moment to let Tommy *react* in some way to the flyers . . . even if it's just a roll of the eyes. Let it stand in the spotlight for a moment longer.
Overall, I'd probably keep reading for at least one more page, but it'd be more because I'm still trying to figure out what the hook's supposed to be, not because I *am* hooked, yet.
I think this hook needs to start later. The purchasing of the soda cans are not critical to the story (and if they are, he could have already purchased them in retrospect). For a short story, why not just start at the red moon wolf festival. Everything preceding it seems like routine anticipation.
Your writing seems decent, so it may be adventageous to put the whole story down on paper (computer screen?) And then see if there is a good spot to start where the action starts.
Here are my crits as I go through your 13 (don't take these as harsh criticisms, just as stream of conscious thoughts as I read through):
Does the red hue cause his skin to look baked, blistered, bloodied and tortured? It sounds like it only appears that way, which at first glance appears to be too strong an image if it is only a red light shining on him.
Bleary eyed needs a comma after it (unless his nickname is bleary eyed tommy)
Your style is your own to figure out, but i'd consider putting community events in quotes or italics.
I am now completely lost at the sentence starting with "cresting." This needs some transition. All of a sudden he's in another scene.
The slow prose of his elevator eyes doesn't work for me. Perhaps he notices the legs first (I think of a scene with kim basinger in batman where the camera zooms in on her legs before panning out). The problem I have is that the legs are by themselves. I think he has to notice that there is a woman there, even if the legs are the feature that attracts him.
Also, the name Tommy is mentioned several times. After the first mention, you can replace it with "he."
posted
Just couple of comments off the top of my head.
First line, I think you could leave it at 'baked flesh' and still get the message across.
Also, part where it says "Bleary-eyed Tommy" makes me think he's been chugging miller lites (i.e. tipsy). Had to look back to remember that it was actually sodas. Maybe that's just my bad memory.
Not sure what 'stickly' means.
Otherwise, I'm interested to know what this Red Wolf Moon Festival is...keep it up!
posted
Thank you for the feedback! Here is my adjusted 13.
Tommy leaned into the red glow of the soda machine giving his skin the appearance of flesh baked in the sun. He dropped the first set of change into the slot, fumbled to retrieve the soda can and greedily guzzled down the sticky-sweet drink. Sighing with relief, Tommy quickly purchased three more cans of soda, two for later, and popped the top on a third one. “Cause you never know when your going to get stuck in the middle of a god-forsaken desert when your car breaks down,” he muttered darkly. Bleary-eyed, he shielded his eyes from the scorching desert sun and saw a cork board labeled Community Events. Plastered across the cork were identical bright red flyers: Red Wolf Moon Festival Tonight at Wolf Rock. Rolling his eyes Tommy stumbled
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 05, 2011).]
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