posted
First 13 lines...Short story written years ago for HS Senior assignment, frequently revisited and modified. Sci-Fi, 32k+ words. About a short engagement which won a small battle in a larger war. Just curious as to whether the beginning is interesting enough to have a decent enough of a "hook" or not. If it does, and anybody is interested in reading on, it's only 6 pages.
The planet had no name. It was just called “The Forest” because that’s all it was on the surface, just one, big, enormous forest. The only saving quality about it was its vast store of natural resources. Unfortunately, this made the planet valuable…very valuable. And so, that’s why Lieutenant Jonathan Cromwell and his elite squad ended up there. A rather unique squad it was, having 20 members rather than the standard ten or less. But all twenty soldiers were the best of the best. To name a few; there was Johnson, the sniper who could shave a rabbit’s cohones with a gauss round from at least 400 yards away; Chavez, the point man who could step on someone’s toes without them seeing him; Smith, the bear who lugged the machine gun around; and then there was Wright, the sole female:
Feedback anybody? What works, what fails, what almost kinda sorta maybe works?
Much thanks all!
- starsin
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 08, 2011).]
posted
The first thing I notice is that we don't know who our MC is, the POV for the story.
I see one giant description here. Your "hook" doesn't start the story it has just described a scene and some characters. Start with the story itself, set the scene as you go.
So many characters are thrown out is such a short time, it is a little overwhelming to start with. They are just rattled off like roll call at school. Again, start with the story and introduce the character as you go.
Well that’s what I see off the bat. Hope it helps.
posted
Hm. Much thanks. Will need to go along and fix that up. Describe the characters as they're introduced...? Give me a bit and I'll *hopefully* be able to get something better up before too long.
However, does that first paragraph work to at least spark some vague interest...?
Again, thanks for the input.
<Edit> Sorry about the excess material...thought that I had trimmed it down sufficiently. Will have to work on that a bit more for future posts...
[This message has been edited by starsin (edited March 08, 2011).]
posted
I agree with what was said above; I feel like the hook is too much of an info-dump without giving the reader a reason to care about it. perhaps instead of just outright saying that the squad is there for resources there could be some dialogue between the Lt. and their contractor or general? And then after that you could follow up with a classification of the group members. (Unsure if they're a legitimate military group or mercenaries)
P.S - I did particularly enjoy Chavez's description ("the point man who could step on someone’s toes without them seeing him")
quote:However, does that first paragraph work to at least spark some vague interest...?
I am a little curious about the story. But as Axis said, there is nothing to give me any reason to care about this forest planet or the military group on it.
posted
The planet had no official name. It was simply called “The Forest” because that’s all it was on the surface, just one, big, enormous forest. The only saving quality about it was its vast store of natural resources. Unfortunately, this abundance made the planet valuable to both sides of the rebellion. Which was why Lieutenant Jonathan Cromwell and his elite squad ended up there. The squad awoke to sub-zero temperatures the morning they came across the three Psionics. The snow that had started to fall the day before was now coming down steadily. As his squad hustled around him, Cromwell couldn’t resist taking a moment to pause and reflect on the wonder and beauty of the snow flakes coming down around him. The last time he’d seen snow was as a small child, before his planet had been ravaged in the War. The flakes
Better? *edit* And you can't tell it in the post, but there is a paragraph break after "...ended up there."
[This message has been edited by starsin (edited March 12, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 12, 2011).]
posted
<<The planet had no official name. It was simply called “The Forest” because that’s all it was on the surface, just one, big, enormous forest.>>
This reads awkward and would turn me off if I were considering buying the story. If I were writing this, I would start with a reference to someone connected with this info. Maybe something like: **************************************************************** A planet just called "The Forest"? Caldwell studied the trees that stretched out all around them and tried to visualize the entire planet being like this. If anything else, the name fit. ****************************************************************
This way your opening doesn't sound like an infor dump and sounds like what your MC is experiencing.
I'd try to stay away from verbs like "was", "had", etc. See if you can find stronger verbs that will work instead.
No offense, but this just isn't my kind of story from what I've read so far. I would have to know a whole lot more before I'd read further. Also, this opening reminds me of the movie "Avatar" after Sully arrives planetside. Hopefully, your story will be something much different.
Edited the add: Okay, I read further. You did a great job with your MC in the second paragraph. If you could start the entire first 13 like that, you'd have it made .
[This message has been edited by Crystal Stevens (edited March 12, 2011).]
The first paragraph is an info-dump and can be cut-- those details can be woven in as the story (stuff actually happening) unfolds...
The second paragraph is better but could be improved if you tried to make things a little more immediate. The first thing that strikes me is I am don't know who the POV character is untilI reach the sentence beginning 'As his squad hustled...'
When you are writing it can be useful to think yourself into a key moment in the story, find specific and useful details that ground the reader in the story (and insert facts in the reader's head) and build up the narrative from that.
posted
Lieutenant Jonathan Cromwell’s squad awoke to sub-zero temperatures the morning they came across the three Psionics. The snow that had started to fall the day before was now coming down steadily. As his squad hustled around him, Cromwell couldn’t resist taking a moment to pause and reflect on the wonder and beauty of the snow flakes coming down around him. The last time he’d seen snow had been as a small child, before the War ravaged his home planet. The flakes brought back fond memories, only half remembered, of old fashioned log fires, the smell of burning cedar, family all together, brothers and sis-…and then his nostalgia shattered when Smith, the squad’s muscled heavy machine gunner, approached to tell him that the squad had finished breaking down camp and was ready to move out.
Instead of <<Smith, the squad’s muscled heavy machine gunner>>, I'd just say "Smith". You can describe what he does in the squad later, maybe through his actions. The way it's written, "the squad's muscled heavy machine gunner" is still an info dump. It sounds clunky... like hitting a speed bump.
You may wish to consider the following suggestions:
Paragraph after '...psionics'. They don't need capitals if that is what they are. Paragraph because you are moving from a knowledgeable narrator (knows what is going to happen in the future) to a more immersive mode.
-The snow that had started to fall the day before was now coming down steadily.
Was it coming down weakly yesterday--is that why you are pointing out that it is falling steadily now? There is some redundancy there as well--around the falling aspect.
The snow that started the day before was falling steadily now.
-The last time he’d seen snow had been as a small child, before the War ravaged his home planet...etc.
I recommend avoiding insertion of background stuff so early in the story--it feels artificial. Writers (myself included) spend time on developing characters and want to get details in from the off, but it is better (IMO) after we have seen him interacting with others, after we have a sense of him.
-and then his nostalgia shattered when Smith, the squad’s muscled heavy machine gunner, approached to tell him that the squad had finished breaking down camp and was ready to move out.
This is telling. There is no problem using 'telling' to shorten stuff that is boring in a story, but this early on I want to see your guys actually doing stuff rather than telling me what they did. Use some 'showing', e.g.
"Squad's ready, sir," Smith said behind him. Cromwell watched a large snowflake spiral down through the freezing air and settle on the ground. "And the psionic's tracks, Corporal? Did you pick up the trail?"
posted
Okay...let's see how many holes I have now. BTW...much thanks for the help. Believe it or not, the stuff you guys are pointing out in my intro is actually helping the rest of the story 'cause I keep going and editing the rest of that also as I make edits to this beginning...Much thanks.
Lieutenant Jonathan Cromwell’s squad awoke to sub-zero temperatures the morning they stumbled across the three psionics. The snow that had started to lightly fall the day before was now coming down at a more steady rate. As his squad hustled around him breaking camp, Cromwell couldn’t resist taking a moment to pause and reflect on the wonder and beauty of the snow flakes coming down around him. The last time he’d seen snow had been as a small child, before the War ravaged his home planet. The flakes brought back fond memories, only half remembered, of old fashioned log fires, the smell of burning cedar, family all together, brothers and sis-…and then Sergeant Smith approached from behind and reported: “Camp’s broken sir. We’re ready to move out on your orders.” In that moment, the
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 12, 2011).]
posted
You haven't altered much, to be honest. You still have a lot of flashback in there.
Some observations and suggestions below, but also just my opinion:
-The snow that had started to lightly fall the day before was now coming down at a more steady rate.
If it can be said in fewer words then it hits the readers brain faster allowing for greater reader immersion.
-The light snow that started yesterday was now falling at a steady rate.
Same meaning fewer words.
Your 'reflection' is in actuality a minor non-specific, flashback. I think it would work better just hinting at it or dumping it and using it later.
e.g.
As his squad hustled around him breaking camp, Cromwell couldn’t resist taking a moment to pause and reflect on the wonder and beauty of the snow flakes. The last time he’d seen snow had been-
The snow behind him creaked under heavy boots as someone approached. “Camp’s broken sir. We’re ready to move out on your orders,” Sergeant Smith reported.
-coming down around him.
We know snow is falling around him.
-and then Sergeant Smith approached from behind and reported
How does he know it is Sergeant Smith before he opens his mouth? If you tell the reader stuff before the POV character knows then it is a POV violation and drags people out of the immersive state, making them more aware of the narrator.
posted
I'm also wondering why such a reflection about the snow is even needed. Unless it's vital to the story, I'd dump it.
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posted
New beginning...does it work better? I'd start with this, then move right into where it was previously...if it works. (and keep it in the back of your minds that I wrote this at about...midnight. That's my excuse if it's no good and I'm sticking to it :P )
The orders had been simple on paper: Satellite recon photos showed possible Rebel activity on a top secret planet; go scout out the area where they were suspected to have been seen and neutralize anyone found there not with the Empire. Cromwell found those orders to be much harder in application. Lieutenant Jonathan Cromwell’s squad...
[This message has been edited by starsin (edited March 21, 2011).]
posted
I’m going to break from the others and say that I like starting with the planet, but it can be condensed and personalized.
“The planet had a designation, but Cromwell’s squad just called it “the Forest” because that’s all it was to them. A whole planet covered in nothing but trees, great.”
I like knowing what story I’m in right away. Tell me we’re on another planet and I’ll forgive all sorts of oddities. Tell me it’s about military guys on that planet, cool. Then tell me what their mission is. The one thing I didn’t get even from the iterations is which side these guys are on. I take it you have an Empire and Rebels (you’re going to have to be very careful with that one). But I don’t get the feel of which one is on the side of the angels.
I also don’t have a problem with your big tough Lieutenant noticing the snowflakes, it makes him interesting. But be concise, and only hint at the background story.
Use Skadder’s suggestion, “The light snow that started yesterday was now falling at a steady rate” or even “Yesterday’s light snow was now falling at a steady rate.”
Then maybe, “The Lieutenant was briefly captivated by the wonder and beauty of the snowflakes, he’d been a child the last time he’d seen… but that was before the War had come. He shook his head to clear the ghosts and bellowed, “(something)”
And don’t forget, we need to know their mission only as it matters to them, but even more so we need to know why they matter to us. You seem to be going somewhere fun and interesting with this. I’m curious enough to read, if you’d like to send it to me.
posted
Thanks Josephine. I'll send a copy off your way. I'll send the version with all my edits to it, and then if you want, I can send you the "first" draft. It's not perfect, nor is it anywhere near complete. It's still very much so a work in progress, but right now it's all I've got to play with that's mine.
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