posted
Greetings fellow Hatrackers. I've been having a bit of trouble finding a reasonable starting scene for a story I've written; and so I was wondering if starting with a combat scene is an appealing enough hook? Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Here are the first thirteen:
When Roland saw three feet emerge simultaneously from the dungeon entrance he made his move. He delivered a swift kick to the unbent knee of the nearest guard and heard the bones and ligaments shatter, disabling the guard. The knee gave way and the guard caught his fall with his other foot; kneeling like a man about to be knighted. Roland’s hand went straight for the guard’s sheathed sword and grinned as he heard the friction of the sword against the scabbard – shhhhhing – and then rather than tapping it lightly on the kneeling man’s shoulders like he would a knight, Roland decapitated the man in one mighty stroke. All of this had happened before the other two guards were able to comprehend what had just happened.
posted
Does the combat give the reader a true sense of the tone of the story, and a feel for its overarching story question?
Personally, I try to start my stories at the Inciting Incident, which I then try and craft into action which also precipitates the story proper. The II is by definition something "unusual" - I'm not sure from this opening that there is anything unusual going on for the main character.
posted
The unusual circumstance is that the man killing the guards is the king, which i tried to hint at through the comparison of the guard's wounded pose to that of a knight. It was meant to be revealed a short while after this but I see what you mean.
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posted
I would start a bit earlier. It's not that three feet emerged and then he happened to see them and react - Roland was waiting for them.
He probably heard the steps echoing through the dungeon corridors and heard the clink of the door being opened.
I think you have an intriguing story and your writing style seems pretty decent.
As far as crits, "three feet emerge simultaneously" is an odd phrasing for me. At first, the odd number throws me off and then I picture three toy soldiers marching in unison. There is also some superfulous phrasing, such as "he made his move" and "disabling the guard" that could be deleted and would take nothing away from the scene.
When a man's knee is destroyed, I struggle to understand how he would end up in a kneeling position. It comes across as contrived to create a picture of what the king had done at some point in his past. This, in my mind, is unnecessary.
posted
I think you can come right out and say it's the King. That itself is a good hook.
King Roland waited for his enemies to emerge. Three guards...
Then start the fight.
Wordcaster has it right, there's a bunch of words that can be omitted. Superfluous is a great description of them.
Here's what I can see being removed. If you did word for word you'd be able to add another sentence or so in the top 13 which is great. (story wise, I mean)
Unbent (doesn't matter) - disabling the guard (this is understood) - The knee gave way (this is also understood) - With his other foot - hand went straight for (just say "grabbed") sheathed (this is understood by the sound later) and then rather than (say "instead of") - like he would a knight (this is implied by your earlier description of the scene) The double "happened" in the last sentence. (echo)
As far as leading with action, I have to agree with Ben. Unless the action reveals something about your story, perhaps your thesis statement, (Inciting incident) it's not in and of itself a hook.
posted
It seems the consensus is that we would like to know something of why Roland is doing what he's doing. Personalize his actions a little more, and perhaps we'll feel what he's feeling while he's fighting.
quote:All of this had happened before the other two guards were able to comprehend what had just happened.
If Roland is the POV character (and, if you subscribe to the aforementioned recommendations that the readers should know his reasonings, he becomes that be default), he doesn't know definitively that the other two guards had not yet comprehended what just happened. Perhaps, mention that Roland noticed their postures or facial expressions gave the impression they were not yet aware of what was happening...or something to that effect. Be mindful about leaving the mind of your POV character.
posted
I don't have a problem with a combat opening per se. Just make sure that you don't catch yourself using a lot of flashbacks later to explain what happened. Sprinkling in some diparaging thoughts about his brother (or whoever did this to him) might help.
quote:When Roland saw three feet emerge simultaneously from the dungeon entrance
- there are 3 guards - why three feet? Walking three abreast through a door? Just seems odd to me. Before I knew they were guards, I thought it might be some odd creature with 3 (or more) legs. Also, I am not sure by the way it is written whether Roland is in the dungeon trying to get out, or outside trying to get in. Drop the first reference to being knighted - it made it so I had no idea that Roland was king. Also, reword "on the kneeling man’s shoulders like he would a knight" to "on the kneeling man’s shoulders as he had when knighting others"; this is still subtle, but more directly let's us know he's a king.
Watch out for repetitive words and phrases; vary things: - "the guard" shows up 3 times quickly - try something else - "happened" happens twice in the last sentence
Timing is a bit hard to believe. Three guards arrive in the doorway at exactly the same time. Roland destroys the knee of one. he drops to the floor. Roland draws his sword, then with a mighty swing cuts the guard's head off. The other 2 guards, if they really didn't realize what had happened, should be 20 or more feet further along their path by now.
Lastly, a little nit: Did Roland's HAND really grin?
[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited March 09, 2011).]
posted
The problem with starting with a combat scene is context. I have no real context so I don't know how to feel about it. Is he escaping, capturing a prize, fighting a war. If he's the King why is he alone. I also didn't like the sound effect for drawing the weapon, sounded a little contrived.
The whole kneeling like a man being knighted sounded odd to me.
I would suggest a quick read of Bernard Cornwell's stuff, particularly the Alfred series. He does the best job I've seen of describing battle scenes.
I also had a problem with the three feet at the same time thing. Unless they are doing choreography or marching, doesn't happen.
[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited March 09, 2011).]
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