posted
Cold coyotes padded after Hersilia in the wilderness, too weak to attack, too weak to do anything but die. Not them, but mango nectar dominated her thoughts. Sweet in childhood, even sweeter, now, if only she could have a drink. Their shuttle had soared over mesas and crashed in the belly of death. The pilot had been killed, instantly, all their water consumed in the flames. Morning came and, with it, the killing sun. Heat sick, she began to hallucinate. Fresh juice visions. Arid rock became orange waves, dust storms a sour breeze. Sun brown lizards, like wooden coracles, floated the current while desert demons comforted her with lies. She felt herself, melted, and one with the citric sea. Eventually, the sun took her up like
[This message has been edited by Arnen123 (edited March 15, 2011).]
posted
Cold coyotes called to Hersilia in the desert ((don't you mean from the desert, the calling to implies that they are calling from a distance and that Hersilia is not in the desert, also why are the coyotes cold? this opening hook is frankly pretty unclear. the tone of coyotes calling and the mango juice is onet hat should be very different I think, but putting them in the same sentence makes it sound the same. )), but it was mango nectar that dominated her thoughts. Sweet in childhod,((typo here, should be childhood.)) even sweeter, now, if she could only have a drink. The pilot was dead and had left no water Desperate, she began to hallucinate. ((this makes it sound as if she is actively trying to hallucinate.)) Arid rock became orange waves, dust storms a citric breeze. Sun brown lizards, like wooden coracles, floated ((in?)) the current while desert demons comforted her with lies. She melted and became one with the sea. Eventually, the sun took her and transformed her into evaporated gas. Hersilia felt herself streaming upwards, traveling so long that she broke the atmosphere. Streaks of azure light floated past and she knew that these were the spirits of those long dead. One, in particular, approached her.
-- I have to honestly say that this opening makes no real sense to me. I have no real idea of what's going on. She's stranded right, and hallucinating, but what's with the sea. It's a very confusing beginning.
posted
Cold coyotes padded after Hersilia in the wilderness, too weak to attack, too weak to do anything but die.
Problems with the first sentence: They are weak enough to walk after her, so they are not to weak to do anything but die. Why are the coyotes cold, still don't understand that, are we not in the desert, if so you should let us know, because the implication of the thirst, plus the coyotes themselves conjure up clear desert imagery in my head. The use of in the wildnerness is awkward if the setting is a desert, if it's not maybe that makes some more sense, but where are we I'm still no clear. I get the impression that if Hersillia is really weak she wouldn't be moving. I'm not clear on where she is or what she's doing, so I assume she's not moving, if she's hallucinating. Thus I don't understand how the coyotes could pad after her if she's still.
Not them, but mango nectar dominated her thoughts. Sweet in childhood, even ((it would be even sweeter now, correct, she doesn't have any currently)) sweeter, ((no comma here)) now, if only she could have a drink.
Their ((Who is their???)) shuttle had soared over mesas ((so we are in the deserts? Why are the coyotes cold???)) and crashed in the belly of death. The pilot had been killed, instantly, all their water consumed in the flames.
Morning came(( did they crash at night, make this clear. if it's night from the beginning make that clear too, that will make the cold coyotes make sense.)) and, with it, the killing sun. Heat sick, she began to hallucinate. Fresh juice visions. ((this fragment is kind of silly, why not just make it part of the previous sentnece.)) Arid rock became orange waves, dust storms a sour breeze. ((try to have parallelism, either arid rock became an organge wave, dust storms a sour breeze, or orange waves and sour breezes.)) Sun brown lizards, like wooden coracles, floated the ((in the?)) current while desert demons comforted her with lies. ((Why would lies comfort her?))
She felt herself, melted, and one with the citric sea. ((Do you want to say she felt her self melt, or she felt herself, action one, and melted and became one with the citric sea.)) Eventually, the sun took her up like
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Better. Okay to be fair though this is still pretty incomprehensible from the readers point of view. I don't have clear facts of where we are from the beginning. I think we're in the desert, but we're cold. The writing itself is a little hard to wade through still. That said the tone you have is beautiful and I think with a little clarity you're images could be great. I see potential here, I can almost taste the juices and the citric feeling of the desert you have is really nice. And I think a little confusion in the second half of the intro would not be entirely uncalled for since Hersilla is hallucinating, but I think before that happens we need to clarify the who, where and what a little first. Establish we're in a desert, at a crash site and at nice and then dissolve the reality you've created a little. Don't dissolve it before we even know what it is.
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