posted
Here's my first thirteen to a new short story I began.
As a side note. I just finished a different short story that falls around 4000 words, so if anyone wants to exchange I would love to (just throwing that out there). Thanks, happy reading.
Lyal had never thought to be a god. Nor had he ever expected to be thrown off course by wild winds and the churning sea. A sailor he was, and a damned good one to say the least. The waters lashed out for him and the wind threw itself at his vessel like a wild fool. Lyal could only pray that he would stay afloat, and that God would bring him home. It seemed that would not be the case, for now anyway. Through the onslaught of rain an island came to shape, and there Lyal landed. “****,” said Lyal. It was the only thing that came to mind as he hopped onto the rain soaked sand. He sat down, and looked into the ocean. The rain was beginning to dwindle, but it would take a while for the great waters to calm themselves. So he rested as he surveyed the area.
posted
Hello Olsen. Let me say this is only my opinion so take everything I say with a grain of salt.
Your opening went from good to worse.
quote:Lyal had never thought to be a god.
This is a good opening sentence. Nice eyecatcher. You may want to change some of the wording but it does its job.
quote:Nor had he ever expected to be thrown off course by wild winds and the churning sea.
This is okay. You may want a comma and make the two opening sentence into one. by wild winds and the churning sea comes off as cliche, as if this is another Odyssey clone. I would consider combining sentence one and two and reworking this half for a more effective hook.
quote:A sailor he was, and a damned good one to say the least. The waters lashed out for him and the wind threw itself at his vessel like a wild fool.
Just drifted into info-dump territory. The narrative is getting more distance with each word. like a wild fool is too weak of a simile. Cut or improve it.
quote: Lyal could only pray that he would stay afloat, and that God would bring him home.
not bad.
quote: It seemed that would not be the case, for now anyway.
Cut It seemed and for now anyway
quote:Through the onslaught of rain an island came to shape, and there Lyal landed.
I would suggest you try and make the story more active. A sequence of him landing would be better than a simple statement as if he deboarded a plane and had to suffer riding in coach.
quote:“****,” said Lyal. It was the only thing that came to mind as he hopped onto the rain soaked sand.
Really? I'd imagine he'd be thanking his good fortune of finding solid ground, not cursing.
quote: He sat down, and looked into the ocean. The rain was beginning to dwindle, but it would take a while for the great waters to calm themselves. So he rested as he surveyed the area.
Classic telling instead of showing. You made a shipwreck look like a fender-bender. The feeling of the prose doesn't match the tragedy your MC is going through. If you can't make shipwreck exciting then how are you going to make the rest of the story grab us? Sorry, not hooking me.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited March 20, 2011).]
posted
Snapper made some excellent points, and I'd like to add that I'm confused by the jump from such an intriguing first line as "Lyal had never thought to be a god" to him being obviously human, in danger, and as Snapper pointed out, not terribly active-voiced. Spend a sentence or two fleshing out or hinting at the "he became/becomes a god at some point?" idea, before leaving it in the dust. Draw me in just a *little* further before pulling the switch. And of course when you do switch, make sure you stay nice and active and five-senses oriented. Get me immersed in what your character's feeling/seeing/smelling, not just a laundry list of what he's doing. Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2011
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posted
For me, "****" doesn't work. If you don't want an obsenity, that's fine (I prefer to avoid them myself), but use that exclamation to give us a little more about the character and story, like "Curse you, Neptune, for interfering!", or "Now how will I save Roxanne?", or "I bet there isn't a Marriot here." Or just drop the line altogether.
Snapper's right - the frst line does its job as a hook. It opens some questions about how much peril Lyal is really in, but there are enough stories of gods/demigods stuck on earth, so it's not insurmountable. Nice action at start.
BTW - when you say he "never thought to be a god," that makes me think of a multi-deity pantheon. When you say "God would bring him home," it suggests a single God culture. This seems (at least so far) to be inconsistent.
posted
In this story, the idea of God is looked at in a different perspective, and its tough to explain... It's spring break for me, so I'll be finishing up this short story in a day or two, so hopefully I can find some readers, and by then I'll fix up the intro as well and make it more active.
I'm not sure if I should have, "Lyal had never thought to become a god."
But... I just don't think that fits the story as well and I like the concise first line.
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