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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Until Everyone is Blind - SF

   
Author Topic: Until Everyone is Blind - SF
telflonmail
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Member # 9501

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Well, I’ve finished my first page by myself. I'm writing at
least three lines per day. Of course, for every line I write,
there’s usually a mistake or two. These mistakes require me to
go back with one of my blades to scrape away the ink and rewrite
the letter. Yesterday, I went to see Mashulem with the work
that I’ve done so far; his comments to me were that I should
stop writing and practice my letters some more. Still I love
it -- the connection to the tradition of writing on parchment
using a quill is beyond words.
Kathy thinks I’m nuts to put my time and effort into
this “futile task” as she calls it. She thinks Mashulem is a
senile old man. But, I think she is wrong. It is, at the least,
good therapy for me.

[This message has been edited by telflonmail (edited May 30, 2011).]


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snapper
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I thought the first three sentences was a message from you to us, apologizing for mistakes before we read. It took my dense head a minute to catch up. I got it now.

This is almost good to go. I can see only one thing I would cut.

quote:
But, I think she is wrong

I would contract the 'she is' to she's.

Not bad. I'm hooked enough to want to keep reading.


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NoTimeToThink
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I fell into the same trap - thought your first couple of sentences were an explanation ABOUT your first 13...
Nice intro - by the end I'm wondering what he needs therapy for, and the title also intrigues me - will everyone go blind, and then what good will the skill be? Something similar to the Twilight Zone Episode where Burgess Meredith wishes for more reading time, and gets it when everyone else in the world is wiped out - but then he breaks his glasses and can't read anything (All The Time In THe World?)
I would read further.

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