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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » An Unusual Day

   
Author Topic: An Unusual Day
LDWriter2
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This is indeed an unusual day. I have two stories and amazingly enough they are both flash. 998 words again.

This one was inspired by two of my wife's crafts, you can see one at http://tinyurl.com/3zwe9ab but unfortunately the other one isn't up. This is the closest. http://tinyurl.com/3tfslkd

This one isn't as dark as the other in fact I think it's a bit lighthearted. So again if anyone wants to read the whole thing just say so. I need all the help I can get.

An Unusual Day:

The fairy on the back of a snail told me it would be an unusual day. Another fairy on a ladybug confirmed it. Both fairies rode through my backyard, they must have started from the small bushes along the back fence. I didnÕt want to see them; insanity wouldnÕt be fun even if IÕm too tough to go crazy. I blinked hard but I still could see them when my eyes opened. I live alone, for good reason, so couldnÕt ask anyone else if they were real.
Wind blew across my bare arms as I stared. The one on the ladybug held reigns, the one on the snail sat sidesaddle. Both mounts appeared huge. The fairies looked six inches tall, and wore what might be loose dresses made from white-gray spider webs. One fairyÕs long hair looked auburn while the otherÕs medium length seemed black.


Another Try, not everything that everyone wanted but a try--- New Version:

When I spotted the fairy on the back of a snail I thought it might be an unusual day. Another fairy on a ladybug confirmed it. I blinked hard but I still could see them when my eyes reopened. With good reason I live alone therefore I couldnÕt ask anyone if they also saw them. I didnÕt want to see them; insanity wouldnÕt be fun even if IÕm too prickly to go crazy.
The fairies rode through my backyard, they must have started from the small bushes along the back fence. I smelled flowers and my sweat. The wind blew across my bare arms as I stared. The one on the ladybug held reins, the one on the snail sat sidesaddle. I tasted sweat for both mounts appeared huge; the fairies looked six inches tall, and wore what might be loose dresses made from white-gray spider webs. One fairyÕs long hair looked auburn ...

[This message has been edited by LDWriter2 (edited July 01, 2011).]


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Foste
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It all seems very vague to me. I think I know what you are aiming for, but maybe the intro would be stronger if you would simply write out the conversations he has with the fairies.

This way it's a bit lukewarm.

Like the idea.


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LDWriter2
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Thanks,


Well, a moment later the fairies look shocked but maybe moving it up would be okay.

[This message has been edited by LDWriter2 (edited June 27, 2011).]


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NoTimeToThink
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Don't know about this one - you spend a lot of time describibg the scene and their clothes, particularly for a flash. Seems like this is going at a SNAIL's pace
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tchernabyelo
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The opening sentence is too ambiguous. "The fairy... told me it would be an unsual day." This can be interpreted either as reported conversation (Fairy: "Hey, it's going to be an unusual day today!") or as narrative inference (Hmm, I've never seen a fair before! Guess it's going to be an unusual day...). While ambiguity - even sometimes in an opening sentence - has its plce, I think you may be better served to clarify, and since my suspicion is that it's the latter, you might try "Seeing the fairy... told me it would be an unusual day".

The "I live alone for good reason" bit didn't work for me. WHy tell us it's for good reason but not tell us what the reason is? If it's important and you want it as a later reveal, this may work, but withholding information in first person narrative is tricky to do convincingly, especially in a flash. As it is, it reads a bit like one of those scenes where the writer is explaining to the reader why something that the reader might think logical doesn't actually happen at this point, and such scenes very rarely work ("I could have done X, but then I would have had to do Y, or I could have done A, but I didn't because B..." - if you have to start explaining this, it means either you don't trust your reader, or you know it doesn;t make sense and are trying to justify it to yourself, or both).


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LDWriter2
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Thanks Notime and tchernabyelo

I really don't think I spend that much time on the clothes etc, to me it's very short but I have been outvoted on things like that before. But they are based on real objects, so I describe them as I actually see them.


As to how the fairy "spoke" you may have a point tchernabyelo. The live alone statement is shown later. I mean shown: by how he speaks and somethings he thinks.

Can't put everything in 13 lines even though I try sometimes.


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LDWriter2
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Okay have another version back on original post.


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