posted
Here's the first 10-11 lines of a body horror short story I've been working on, all comments an advice appreciated:
One thing she missed was sunbathing. The memory of sunshine on her arms came to her with startling clarity. She made a fretful motion, and a shiver passed through her pale limbs. Before her condition reached the point where she had to be confined to the house, they would spend two lazy weeks of each spring lying on a Greek beach. She would be content to do nothing but read and make languid, dreamy conversation during the day, the product of a little too much sunshine and retsina. He would pace up and down the beach restlessly, collecting shells, rocks, anything that caught his eye. They would go to bed just after nightfall and make love, then sleep deeply and dream of nothing in particular. Thinking of the amount of suntan lotion she would need to sunbathe now made her chuckle to herself.
posted
As hooks go, this doesn't have much of one (neither do most of Stephen King's works so take heart). However, if you didn't tell me this was horror, I'd never know it by reading just this. That might be problematic if you ever try to sell.
Posts: 823 | Registered: May 2009
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posted
You might want to have a clearer indication of where she is now in the first line or two. On first reading even with the mention of her condition reaching the point of being confined to the house, I felt a little confused, unclear on the first reading. Also not sure I care for the "one thing" part of the statement about missing sunbathing.
Overall though, I like it. True it doesn't have a lot of "hook" but really that is pretty common for horror, as is the lack of anything to definitely identify itself as such in the begining. Needs a little polish but, nice overall I think.
posted
When I first try to read a story, I generally look for the five W's:
Who is the story about? What happened to him/her? When does the story take place? Where does it take place? Why should I be interested?
I have a vague idea of the who, here, thought I don't know her name. I'd recommend trying to be more specific, at least give the reader a name.
I have an idea of the what, that some condition is confining her in a house, though I've no specificity there either. The functions as a mild hook as it hints as the story conflict.
I've no idea of the when, so I just assume it is a present day story.
The where is addressed as being a beach, presumably with a house.
The why is where I have the biggest problem. I don't know why we are here. What does the 'she' want and what is in her way?
Instead, the story seems to start by spending time on back story. It seems a bit more literary, but that isn't my thing.
Mostly what I feel could be improved is to give some more specific details and show the reader what the MC wants and what is at stake.
posted
Very interesting, thanks! I think what's happened here is that I was trying to be subtle, but instead it's come out as vague :-)
Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2011
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posted
I have to second Babooher on that comment (the one about stephen King). That being said, it kind of reminds me of Stephen King's writing in the sense that the character is a perfectly ordinary person in an extraordinary situation rather than vice-versa. I think you've actually done well with the subtlely - "her pale limbs".. "she missed sunbathing".. So i'm guessing she's being kept captive in some misery-esque fashion (Stephen King refernce). Also I suspect the 'he' you mention in the introduction has something to do with her current condition. If this is true, you might want to throw her (main character's) name right out there to begin with, because the meaning and emphasis is lost when the main character doesn't have a name either, and simply remains 'she'. I might just be looking too deep into it, but knowing it was a horror story, as soon as i read 'he' i suspected something sinister . With all that being said, I think you've done a fantastic job in creating a REAL character; a person. I'm also hooked because I have a soft spot for horror and I see promise in the implications of the opening lines. If you have this story completed I'd like to take a look at it and offer you full feedback if your interested?
[This message has been edited by Axis Dervan (edited August 08, 2011).]
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