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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Untitled SF (3.5K)

   
Author Topic: Untitled SF (3.5K)
Bent Tree
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Hope, accomplishment, and salvation is what the professor saw growing inside the thirty-six innoculated spawn vessels before him. Silky threads of white mycellium radiated out in perfect symetry upon the sterile medium. This strain held the key to protecting the colony from the planet. If only we can protect ourselves from each other

His spine clenched as bombing sirens rang through the intercom.
"No!" Emergency operating proceedure swept over his thoughts. The strain must be protected. Flipping up a key cover, he pushed a button that began to fill the innoculation chaber with liquid foam. Then he went to the intercom. " All lab staff to the innoculation chamber. SOP command 228."


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Sakari
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There's something there.

I get the picture of a place in danger, of a driven professor, of a technological break-through in the area of space ships. I get the feeling of an underdog. All in all I like the story there

I'm left wondering what can the "lab staff" do to make things secure

Some things that grabbed me:
- "Hope, accomplishment, and salvation"; are all three words necessary? Would just hope suffice?
- "Sterile medium"; is that referring to the spawn vessels? Or what is the sterile medium?
- "protect the colony from the planet"; planet is attacking their colony? Maybe there is some other word that can be used here to describe the adversary?


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snapper
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Hey! Bent Tree has come out! That means there is only six weeks of summer left!

Just kidding bro. Whazzup? Whatcha got?

quote:
Hope, accomplishment, and salvation is what the professor saw growing inside the thirty-six innoculated spawn vessels before him.

I can think of a couple of ways to rearrange this opening sentence. The thing that sticks out the most is before him. I highly recommend you cut those two words and complete the visual you were after. Anythign that important should be the complete focus for the reader. Descibe it as if the MC is looking at the Holy Grail itself. Show how they stand, what the vessels look like, how the light shines on them...something to complete the awe, religious like experience, the professor would likely be consumed with. Hope and salvation deserve more than...

Silky threads of white mycellium radiated out in perfect symetry upon the sterile medium.

...as hommage.

quote:
His spine clenched as bombing sirens rang through the intercom.

How does a spine clench?

This opening is missing a lot of something. It seemed to me when I read it, it needs 500 words of story between the first and second paragraph. Way too rushed.


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babooher
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I think you could rearrange this so that the action/bombing is already started. That way the rushed feeling of the first paragraph (which would need to be moved down and altered somewhat) would make sense. I mean, bombs are going off. Not the time to get all info-dumpy (which you didn't but it still felt rushed).
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ingersollink
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I really like the switch from the serene sort of introspective first part and the panicked "Spine Clinching" second part. I think I would like to see more mystery in the second part. I think by leaving out the details of who is attacking and that sort of thing then it would make it even more chaotic. You might even keep to the inner feelings of the scientist as he experiences the attack.
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shimiqua
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I like the situation,and I like the writing.

My only issue is that the POV character seems really scientific and dull to me right now. One spec of humanity in him would make me like him better. He seems kind of robotic and unhuman. Especially this line...Emergency operating proceedure swept over his thoughts.

Is he a Robot? That's possible, and if he is, I would like to know that right away, because I judge robotic characters differently than human characters.

If he is human, then could he call the people who are bombing their only hope of survival idiots, or something?

Also, if the bomb sirens are going off, wouldn't the lab staff think to protect their only hope for survival without having to be commanded?

I might be thinking too much on this one, and ignore me if my sleep deprived ramblings aren't making any usable sense.

~Sheena


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Bent Tree
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Thanks a million, guys and gals. Big howdy to you, Snapper. Fall is coming! Hoping to get back in to writing again. I was just interested in the how intro of this story worked. I will repost when I edit and am ready for readers.
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