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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Back in My Day

   
Author Topic: Back in My Day
Delli
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If anyone would like to make comments on the full piece (only 1000 words), just let me know. Am happy to swap stories

First 13

Ava palmed the pod open and started to unbuckle her baby from the auto. As she pulled the straps around the tiny shoulders she reached around and flicked the switch. Her baby opened his eyes and smiled at her. Her heart skipped a beat and she couldn’t help to take a moment to gaze back. Would she ever get used to seeing his lips curve that way?
“Back in my day, we never used to have those new-fangled pods for putting babies in. We made do with a capsule strapped in with the autobelt. The top was open and you could actually see your baby while you were driving. I survived alright.”
Ava sighed. Her father was up for the week visiting his grandson. She loved that man but dear God she wanted to throttle him at times. Apparently, everything was better back when he was growing

[This message has been edited by Delli (edited September 23, 2011).]


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mythique890
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I really like it! One thing: when she flipped the switch and the baby's eyes opened, it makes it sound like flipping the switch caused the baby's eyes to open, which makes me think the baby is a robot. Is it?

[This message has been edited by mythique890 (edited September 23, 2011).]


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RoxyL
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This is a fun idea. I like it so far. The dialogue threw me, though. I thought at first it was the mc talking. You might consider briefly introducing the father first so we have some context for his words.
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Delli
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mythique890 - the baby is not a robot but does have an ON/OFF switch

RoxyL - Totally agree re the dialogue, will try to insert a line in front of it so it's not so much of a jolt.

Thanks!


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RyanRussellLunde
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I would like to read the full story. It's a fun concept and I'd like to see where it goes. Reminds me of stories about my wife's family when they would go on vacations or long car rides together. The car would be packed full of kids and the little ones would lay above the back seat under the rear windshield to sleep and mom in the passenger seat would be holding the baby, and there was no law against either. Now a toddler can't even sit in the front seat, seat belt on or not.
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Delli
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I have just sent it through to you RyanRussellLunde. Thanks
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OliverBuckram
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Two thoughts

(1) the word "new-fangled" seems jarringly old-fashioned. no person currently under 40 would use that word, even 40 years from now when they are 80. but maybe you are being whimsically anachronistic on purpose?

(2) "I survived alright.” Shouldn't that be something more like "You survived all-right" as he is speaking to his daughter?

I thought the dialogue was clear as written. I also am intrigued by the on-off switch and would be delighted to swap stories.

[This message has been edited by OliverBuckram (edited September 26, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by OliverBuckram (edited September 26, 2011).]


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GreatNovus
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I just got this story sent to my email from daily science fiction. Congrats =-)
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Delli
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Thanks! [Smile]
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JenniferHicks
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I just read it on DSF, too. Great job and congratulations on the publication.
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C@R3Y
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Send it along to me if you want. =]
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