Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Overfishing in Coastal Maine

   
Author Topic: Overfishing in Coastal Maine
OliverBuckram
Member
Member # 9655

 - posted      Profile for OliverBuckram   Email OliverBuckram         Edit/Delete Post 
From a 770 word science fiction story I would be happy to send you.
===

While Hurd waited for the paint to dry, a green porta-potty materialized in his driveway. He looked at it for a moment, shook his head, and threw the paintbrush at it. The brush passed right through the porta-potty and onto the driveway. Another damn hallucination.

Using house paint, Hurd had written "Stuck with a Ford Lemon" in big white letters on the Explorerís windshield. That should get some attention. Every day for weeks he had hand-written a complaint letter to the CEO of Ford Motor, demanding a replacement SUV. But he had received no reply.

After a breakfast of canned tuna (his only remaining food), he put the Explorer in neutral and coasted down his driveway. He parked it right on Route 1, where every

[ November 07, 2011, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: OliverBuckram ]

Posts: 53 | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
babooher
Member
Member # 8617

 - posted      Profile for babooher   Email babooher         Edit/Delete Post 
My first thoughts are that this doesn't read like sci-fi so I'm worried about how you'll get the sci-fi in without it being a trick.

Some nits: I think the last line if the second paragraph shouldn't have a pronoun. The last person mentioned is the CEO of Ford Motor so that could be misconstrued as the pronoun's antecedent. Using Hurd instead of he requires no extra words and completely eliminates the possible confusion.

I suppose at only 770 words, I could read it.

Posts: 823 | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
History
Member
Member # 9213

 - posted      Profile for History   Email History         Edit/Delete Post 
I personally like subtle sf/fantasy, or a slow emersion (immersion) from "our" world into something outre. Thus, I'm interested in seeing where this goes. Feel free to email it to me.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

P.S. Of peculiar interest, I note that you live in Boston and are writing about "coastal Maine"; while I live in coastal Maine and most of my recent stories (and novel) take place in Boston. [Smile]

Posts: 1475 | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Dame
Member
Member # 8513

 - posted      Profile for Dame   Email Dame         Edit/Delete Post 
Hi Oliver,

"Using house paint, Hurd had written "Stuck with a Ford Lemon" in big white letters on the Explorerís windshield." Because of the porta potty, I had forgotten he was waiting for paint to dry.

(Love the porta potty BTW. This opening felt sufficiently spec-fic to me.)

Because I had forgotten the paint, I had to take it back on board along with the suddenly appearing car. Do you think you could say, "While Hurd waited for the paint to dry on the Explorer's windsheild..."? If not, you may have to introduce the Explorer a little more gently. It threw me while I scrambled around trying to work out what was happening.

The first direct action seems to be, "he put the Explorer in neutral and coasted down his driveway." I suggest you get the action happening from the start. Why not have him paint the words, see the potty and eat his breakfast, without the time-shimmy you use in the second para? I don't think it would take many more words, and would feel more direct right from the start.

I get the feeling this is an apocalypse story, perhaps even a zombie tale. I like the action (though it is described rather than shown) and the tone and ideas. I do think you could perhaps make the whole intro more intense and vivid by doing it in real-time.

Hope some of this is useful.

D

Posts: 96 | Registered: Mar 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Denevius
Member
Member # 9682

 - posted      Profile for Denevius   Email Denevius         Edit/Delete Post 
770 words is pretty short. either way, if you're looking for volunteers, i'm willing to read it. these 13 lines created interest as to where the story, as well as the main character, is heading.
Posts: 1216 | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Architectus
Member
Member # 8809

 - posted      Profile for Architectus   Email Architectus         Edit/Delete Post 
I think it would work better if you wrote the events in order, starting with paragraph two.

So basically reverse paragraph 1 and 2. Then start paragraph one without "had" in it.

Posts: 161 | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2