Hatrack River
Home   |   About Orson Scott Card   |   News & Reviews   |   OSC Library   |   Forums   |   Contact   |   Links
Research Area   |   Writing Lessons   |   Writers Workshops   |   OSC at SVU   |   Calendar   |   Store
E-mail this page
Hatrack River Writers Workshop Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Microcosm (980 word fantasy)

   
Author Topic: Microcosm (980 word fantasy)
OliverBuckram
Member
Member # 9655

 - posted      Profile for OliverBuckram   Email OliverBuckram         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Candlelight flickered on the glass sphere in Papa's hands. Inside the sphere was a miniature city of silver and tin.

"Happy birthday," said Papa, and handed the microcosm to Petru.

"A toy microcosm? For me?" It must have taken Papa a month to make, using tweezers and special tools.

Papa nodded, smiling.

"Business must be bad if no one wants to buy it," said Petru solemnly. "It's one of your best pieces."

"No, business is good. I made it especially for you. Look, we're inside it, you and me."

Papa went downstairs and got a magnifying glass from the workshop. He showed Petru the two figures standing in front of the city, each no bigger than a grain of rice. One had white

Posts: 53 | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Merlion-Emrys
Member
Member # 7912

 - posted      Profile for Merlion-Emrys   Email Merlion-Emrys         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
This intrigues me because of where it might lead.


quote:
"A toy microcosm? For me?"
This seems like slightly odd phrasing for, presumably, a young child.


quote:
using tweezers and special tools.
This seems a bit redundant at first...but I think what you need is a touch more detail about the tools. Indeed, I think you could infuse the whole thing, especially the dialogue, with a little more whimsy or wonder, given the subject matter.
Posts: 2561 | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Denevius
Member
Member # 9682

 - posted      Profile for Denevius   Email Denevius         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
this is pretty interesting, and i'm open to looking at it. it's only 980 words?
Posts: 359 | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bent Tree
Member
Member # 7777

 - posted      Profile for Bent Tree   Email Bent Tree         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I will give it a gander. Send it over.
Posts: 1758 | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
annepin
Member
Member # 5952

 - posted      Profile for annepin   Email annepin         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I found the concept pretty intriguing and I would probably turn the page. Just a few minor nits, not so much crits as much as ways to make the piece even stronger:

Candlelight flickered on the glass sphere in Papa's hands. Inside the sphere was a miniature city of silver and tin.

"Happy birthday," said Papa, and handed the microcosm to Petru.

"A toy microcosm? For me?" It must have taken Papa a month to make, using tweezers and special tools. [I felt like the line of dialog here was wasted space. It doesn't really add any information or characterization. I wonder if there's something "fresher" feeling Petru can do or say, something that better evokes his age, situation, personality, etc. Also, a minor note, but it took me a second to connect to the fact that Petru was saying this since his name was mentioned in the first paragraph, but not in connection to the dialog].

Papa nodded, smiling. [again, this feels, well, a little expected. I mean, it's the obvious reaction a parent would make when handing a gift to a child. I would suggest striving for details that better evoke _your_ characters in _this_ time and place.]

"Business must be bad if no one wants to buy it," said Petru solemnly. "It's one of your best pieces."

"No, business is good. I made it especially for you. Look, we're inside it, you and me."

Papa went downstairs and got a magnifying glass from the workshop. He showed Petru the two figures standing in front of the city, each no bigger than a grain of rice. One had white

Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2