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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » The God Machine.

   
Author Topic: The God Machine.
JackValentine
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The world was faced to believe in God with the invasion of the Angels. Adam and Eve were discovered, slumbering deep in the earth. Their immortal bodies were subjected to the experiments that led to the construction of the God Machine. But, instead of granting immortality as humans wished, it opened a gateway to Heaven from which the Angels poured forth. The lab in which the Bodies of Adam and Eve were being held was decimated by the Angels, along with everyone inside. Taking the bodies with them, the Angels returned to the God Machine, standing guard to the enterance of Heaven. Tension was felt worldwide as the Angels stood like sentinels, ready for war. Yet they made no move and the world wondered what was coming.

This is just an idea I'm toying around with at this point. Don't know if its gonna be a short. To me it seems like there is more story to tell that can fit in a short. I think this is the intro but I like the concept. Anyway, anybody wanna shred this? Tell me what you think?

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axeminister
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Jack,

Check out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_God_Machine

I'd recently considered naming my story the same, until I saw how common the name was. Anyway, just wanted to point that out.

As for the 13, they are reading like a summary, not the start of a story. So far we don't have a character. I imagine you'll get to one, but because this tells so much, over such a short period of time, I feel a little worn out.

The world wondered what was coming.

This is a great place to introduce your main character. Who is he/she? He/She wonders what's coming.

You are zoomed pretty far out right now, and for me to be hooked, personally, I need to be zoomed way in.

By the way - I LOVE the idea of "The invasion of the Angels." Awesome.

Axe

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JackValentine
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Yeah, I got characters. Maybe this wasn't the right place to.post? It was more of an idea than a first 13. But thank you. And your right. It's sooner way way out. Just thought is fling it out there and get a reaction. Thanks for the link too. It seems that that name is pretty cliché. Damn... I liked that name LOL. Thanks for the advice Axe. Back to the drawing board. Yay!
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axeminister
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Jack,

This is a great place to post...

I agree on the title. I was pretty bummed because those three words PERFECTLY describe my story. For now, I have a place holder title which I don't like. I'm waiting for something new to hit me.

Axe

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Merlion-Emrys
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It's an interesting idea, but not a "first 13" in the traditional Hatrack sense.

How were Adam and Eve discovered? How was it determined that was who they were? What exactly is the God Machine? These are questions I find myself wondering.

If you haven't done so already, you should really see the anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion, and the companion film End of Evangelion. And/or the recent "Evangelion Reboot" movies. Similar subject matter.

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Josephine Kait
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I stumbled right at the beginning with the word “faced”, did you mean forced? Or maybe forced to face? Anyway…

The premise is intriguing, and I would love to see where you go with it. Good luck,
-Lady Tiger

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JackValentine
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Thank you Josephine. Maybe it was too early to fling it out there. So far, its just incubating. Building the characters in my head, their conflicts, etc. I think it'll be a fun concept to toy with but, no story as of yet...
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History
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Will you repost when you actually have 13 lines of the story's beginning? It sound's wonderful.

I conncur that what you have here is an information dump, more a narrative summary or a prologue than the opening to a story--or possibly a novel.

The subject matter is of interest to me (as I have written a number of theological fantasy stories and a novel the past three years), thus I am intrigued by what you suggest for the tale. The only fault I personally find with most "angel" fiction is very few stories demonstrate the author has performd any research into angelic lore (be it Christian, Muslim, Hebrew, etc). Most authors barely go beyond the correct spelling of angels' names and Miltonic themes and I find this sloppy and off-putting--like suggesting medieval European peasants grew corn, or mixing up historical figures, or using anachronistic modern day expressions in the far past or future, if you can dig it, man.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

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GreatNovus
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I'll second what the good Doctor said. Let me know when you have the thing ready to read. Speaking of Dr. Bob, I would also like to read something of yours. Next time you need a reader send me a head's up, I enjoy reading your posts.
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YNRedef
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I think the idea is very captivating!
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JackValentine
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@ greqtnovus. Thank you. Hearing good things motivates me. I thought that this was going to be a short story, but there seems to be too much information to be contained in so little words. I know the basic plot and I have the first disaster constructed and the main characters created. It's a work in progress still, but I do have to say it is a very fun concept to work with. While I don't have anything on paper about this story yet, I am almost done with a different story, if you would like to read that.
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