“Stop hitting her,” I said from the clouds, but no one on earth heard me—not because Stevie Nicks’s Heads Will Roll was blasting on the stereo, not because she and her baby were screaming in the corner, and the large shadow of her boyfriend danced closer to them, but a million miles distanced us. “Stop hitting Sarah!” She screamed. The baby cried. The fan spun, rocked on the ceiling, and the china cabinet rattled against the wall. The music blasted. The walls beat in sync, with his footsteps and roar. “Sarah!” the boyfriend punched a hole in the wall above her head. The china cabinet rattled, tipped, then fell back into place. “Sarah, I know what you did you lyin’ **** bitch, and I want my goddamn medal!”
Posts: 193 | Registered: Oct 2011
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A little crude there at the end. But much improvement since the last one you posted. Hooked me. I wanna know what happens next. Nice dance with your words describing the place and the music. If you have more, I would love to read it.
Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2012
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Thanks Jack. I don't know if you got it, but I sent this, actually, to you a few days ago. I was taking you up on your past offer. Posts: 193 | Registered: Oct 2011
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This doesn't work for me as it comes to hard. I am not clear what is really going on.
There is a lot of structural repetition that should be done with a light touch, but feels a little heavy-handed here (IMO), simply because it feels like there is too much of it.
'Stop hitting her' and 'Stop hitting, Sarah'.
She screamed. The baby cried. The fan spun, rocked on the ceiling, and the china cabinet rattled against the wall. The music blasted. The walls beat in sync, with his footsteps and roar. the boyfriend punched a hole in the wall above her head The china cabinet rattled, tipped, then fell back into place
The, the, the,
I think if you tone this down a little then you'd have something great.
Just my opinion.
Posts: 61 | Registered: Apr 2012
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I agree with easterabbit; the string of "The noun verb'd" lines are too much and feel pedantic. In a room where an imposing man is assaulting a woman and child, the location actions of the china are of little concern unless they're about to fall on the man's head. And if THAT is the case, the foreshadowing is far too blatant.
Also, your opening line has some issues:
“Stop hitting her,” I said from the clouds, but no one on earth heard me (Consider ending the sentence here and starting a new one to prevent it being a run-on.)—not because Stevie Nicks’s Heads Will Roll was blasting on the stereo, (Semicolon here is better because you use a comma in the next item in this list.)not because she and her baby were screaming in the corner, and the large shadow of her boyfriend danced closer to them, ('danced' seems like the wrong word here, it runs contrary to the menacing picture being established... also I would probably "AS the large shadow..." instead of "AND the large shadow...") but (because) a million miles distanced us.
This is the angel watching from heaven story, right? I remember commenting on an earlier revision, and I think this one is better, just not quite there yet.
Posts: 52 | Registered: Mar 2010
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Thank you both. I am glad to see that I have made some progress from the last version, at least, and I will take your comments into consideration and changed things up a bit. The entire story changed pretty much, from her getting ready to commit suicide, to her actually being in danger with a child. I think it will make everyone in my story more sympathetic, done that way. Not to mention the twists toward the end. =]
Posts: 193 | Registered: Oct 2011
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