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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Hidden

   
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easterabbit
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The dog danced in the heat haze as it dragged the carcass away from the perimeter. Jomal adjusted the targeting sight on the flechette rifle, keeping the animal centered.
He touched his temple "Dog's come back. It's chewing on the fox Sila killed yesterday."
"Has it crossed the boundary?" Vikan's voice was crisp in his ear.
Jomal slid a non-lethal round in the breach. "If it had, it would be history, wouldn't it?"
There was pause. "Watch your tongue, Jomal. Kill the dog if it crosses the line."
Jomal sighed. "I'm trying to tell you that I think the dog knows about the perimeter. It drags the corpses away before it starts eating. Same each day. It may be a probe of some sort."
Another pause. "Really?"

[ May 05, 2012, 03:58 AM: Message edited by: easterabbit ]

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Corky
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Ooh! I'd keep reading this for sure.

One small quibble, though. "The dog danced" creates a different image from what it turns out to be, so there's a disconnect there.

How about "The dog rippled"?

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Eliza C
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I agree, danced is a strong verb but maybe not quite the right one - I'd picture more planting and jerking motions. Away from the perimeter of what, I thought as I read? If the boundary has a name, a specific here would be nice to grab onto, even if I don't know details yet.
Again, I would suggest specific terminology in "He touched [the gem/button/switch/whatever] at his temple" - good job though on not giving too much info, it's obvious here that he's operating a communication device.
Otherwise good. Intriguing start.

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