“As an Estranox, I do not fear the day, I simply do not trust it.” The sentiments of her ancestors echo in Tambri’s proud words. “Are distrust, and fear so very different?” Andwin’s eyes could not conceal the obvious delight he found in this topic. Tambri sniffed, disdainfully, refusing to answer. The day is evil, and there is not that Andwin can say to change the way the world simply is. “Are you and I so very different?” Allowing the weight of her rhetorical question inundate him, she paused before continuing. “But oh, how I wish you could see the night as I see it! What a radiance there is above us.” “I can see it, Love, all the stars out there, twinkling as to
There is a tense change in the first two lines that I thought severely hurt the coolness of the hook. For me, it all goes downhill from there. On one hand, I think you've got strong characterization, but on the other Tambri sounds like an egotistical jerk and I don't mind not listening to any more of him. His language is just too much.
That's just me, though. Someone else might love the guy. He does have presence.
Posts: 692 | Registered: May 2009
| IP: Logged |
I spotted a couple of grammar errors, but that's no big thing. I like the basic hook. But i don't get a clear feel for whether the guy is teasing her because they're friendly, or if he is poking her maliciously.
The opening is good though. Interesting.
Posts: 883 | Registered: Feb 2012
| IP: Logged |
I'm a new member and this is my first post, so forgive me if I violate any subtle (or obvious) etiquette...
The first line of dialogue really caught my attention: what is an Estranox and why the aversion to the day? I like that (unless it turns out they are vampires. I'm a little saturated there... )
Here are two things that made me hesitate to read more: 1) I got a little lost about who was saying what in the dialogue. 2) The first statement is so strong that the passive voice on the next sentence seems really weak. Why not: Tambri's proud words echo her ancestors. The same pattern repeats at the beginning of the second paragraph--a strong dialogue statement ("Are you and I..."), followed by a passive construction. Again, you might consider just flipping it around, "She paused before..."
A couple of thoughts from a true novice. I hope they might be useful.