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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » It's All in the Stars

   
Author Topic: It's All in the Stars
Twiggy
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Narayan tagged along with the other recruits. His shiny skin suit, shaved head, and study-red eyes gave him the look of the others, but he knew he didn't belong. He entered the observation deck, holding his breath and wondering what he was doing. The sight of twelve viewing capsules gave him the answer.
“To your pods!” Chief Tech Grayson said. “We’re on a schedule here, people.”
Narayan crossed the stone floor to pod 6, looked up at Conrad’s famous star model which spiralled along the ceiling, and remembered to be grateful. Few recruits made it this far. Fewer still, got to see the future.

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Denevius
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hello. how long is the completed piece? if it's not too long, i'd be happy to look at it.
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Twiggy
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Thanks, that's a great offer, but it's just a start at the moment. I'm writing now. Can I come back to you when it's done please?
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Denevius
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yep, that's cool.
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LDWriter2
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Hmm, these 13 seem like they should be great. That last line about the seeing the future is very good right where it should be. But something seems off. It could be the long second, third and sixth sentence. Could be because I'm not sure what is meant by "Study-red" That there are built well, or that he used them a lot for study?

To many him-s and his-s? But it is hard to cut down on them. Hmm, maybe the "He" starting the third sentence too close to the "He" toward the end of the second.

You have setting, we know what he looks like--enough that is--maybe it's just me but the rhythm is off.

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Twiggy
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Thanks LDWriter
The 13 I put up were my first rough thoughts and I have been smoothing them out, so I agree with you. I wondered about the 'study-red' and wanted to see how readers would react to it. Thoughts on that from anyone else would be welcome.

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SR Dev
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Narayn tagged a long seems kind of weak/general for an opening line to me.

I like study-red, but it makes it sound like his irisis are red and I had to do a double read to realize you meant blood-shot. The holding breath line also read a little funky to me, it wasn't completely clear why he was doing it. Nerves, I assume, but again I had to think about it.

Love the last line.

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