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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Venus Falling

   
Author Topic: Venus Falling
BoldWriter
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Member # 9899

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While brainstorming with my wife about a novel I've been conceptualizing, we came up with alot of ideas that didn't quite fit, but they seemed to coalesce into some inspiration for a short story which I finished late last night. I'd be thrilled if anyone wanted to read the full draft, which comes in at just under 4800 words (for now). Here's the first bit:

The Venus had been touring the galaxy for nearly half a year now, and hadn’t stopped for more than a day at any port. The Skin-seer, Jaio Le, was quiet and reserved, rarely stepping out from the confines of her quarters. Anytime they made landfall, Jiao Le went to the bridge to interface with the Astrogation terminal.

When she did, her violet tattoos pulsed with light, tracing intricate circular patterns across every part of her exposed skin. Franklin couldn’t even begin comprehend the amount of data she must be processing with such an extensive network of Synthex. Violet light pulsed from her fingertips, followed the swirls and whorls of her tattoos up her arms, down to her bare feet and up around her body, pulsing across her shaved scalp and concentrating the information into the base of her skull.

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babooher
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If you want to send it my way, I'll give your story a go. As of right now, I think your narrative distance is bigger than it should be in order to keep it in the land of showing instead of telling. I think the ideas you've presented are very interesting, and I'd love a chance to see the whole thing based on that.
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MrsBrown
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Intriguing! I felt more drawn in by the 2nd para than the first. Perhaps start there, and show her being quiet and reserved around others when the job is done? Perhaps sprinkle in the facts later?
Sorry, not volunteering to read more (due to my time, not your 13 lines).

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