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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Waiting Poem

   
Author Topic: Waiting Poem
writinggirl93
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***Below is my poem. Please reply and give me some feedback on it. [Smile]

You hear the hype and are curious to try it out.

You are so excited and a rush of aniexty starts to go through your body.



You start to try it out and realize the badness was hidden.

NO one talked about the pain or the negativity of it.



After your done, you realize that you will be wiser next time.

For things worth a lot in life are worth waiting for.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Oct 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LDWriter2
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Doesn't sound too bad to me but we have a published poet here who might have some better critics.

Of course she does western poems but that are pretty good.

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babygears81
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I think some words can be ommitted from your sentences to make them more appealing, more vivid. For example, in the second line, I would omit so and just say 'you are excited.'

Don't delay the emotion by saying anxiety "starts to go through your body" Just say anxiety rushes through your body.

You can do this sort of thing to every sentence to help polish them. Hope that's helpful.

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