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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » She's Beautiful When Angry

   
Author Topic: She's Beautiful When Angry
LDWriter2
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Okay, a new story, a sequel to "She's beautiful But..." for those few who have read that one. I hadn't planned to write a sequel to that story but when I saw a certain pic. I will post a link to it when I find the link again.

This story is 5,790 words long. I would like someone to look it over and get it back to me before Friday if possible. I would like to send it out Saturday. If not possible then Monday or Tuesday would do. I might be able to send it out before that Saturday.

In this case I don't need a full crit. There probably are problems with my writing--there always are--but I could spend hours fixing the writing and probably create more problems. So if someone could check out the nitpicks, commas and if any sentences really don't make sense that would be greatly appreciated.

I had to cut it off in mid sentence and that sentence had something significant in it but I'm probably pushing the 13 lines now.

So without further ado:

I worked to get my feet back under me. The tops of my feet hurt from the way they dragged me. Two ďmenĒ held my arms. Neither cared about my efforts though. I let loose with a couple of loud, rough curse words I donít normally use. They ignored my words the same as they did my struggles.
They wanted me for something, it didnít take much to figure it would be bad. These two grabbed me on my way out of my favorite deli. Now Iím glad I ate my dinner inside--their ham tasted good--I had debated wheather or not to take it home. Now though with the way these two stunk, it smelled worse with each block, I may not be glad for very much longer. Their scent might get so bad I could vomit while between their arms.
For some reason Durasa came to mind but she couldnít have

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Grumpy old guy
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LD, I'll give it a crack. Have it back to you the day after I get it.

Phil.

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LDWriter2
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Thank you. It will be tomorrow night. I wanted to finish a story tonight and it took way longer with the spell check than it has been.

I'm half way done with the proofreader check and then I need to double check half a dozen words I keep interchanging...if I can remember them all.

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walexander
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Hey LD,

little nit. I can't tell if your protagonist is male or female. So it makes visualizing draging-shoes-etc a little harder because I'm guessing which sex is your character. I also have to guess that the character just came awake from being knocked out? Not sure.

But I like where your going with it.

W.

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LDWriter2
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Hmm, you're right about the gender .

Not sure how to add that though.

Maybe Durasa my ex-fiance

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