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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Untitled First 13

   
Author Topic: Untitled First 13
rabirch
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These are the first 13 for an untitled fantasy short story. First draft is complete at around 2300 words. I'm looking for comments on the first 13 and/or full reads.

Thanks very much!

***

Rain fell in a steady gray curtain, as it had for the last three months. Althwyn shivered and concentrated on placing her feet on the narrow rock ledge that ran along the cliff face.

She'd hoped the weather would let up before they reached the Trail of Heaven, but knew was a futile wish. The sun wouldn't shine again until an earthkin made pilgrimage to the Glade. Such were the words of the seer.

The wet stone glistened. Althwyn glanced to her left. Thick swirls of mist hid the valley far below. She and Connacht had climbed high enough they stood inside the clouds.

The thought dizzied her. She paused and grabbed a projecting stone with her bare right hand. It was cold, slick, and reassuringly solid.

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Grumpy old guy
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G'day rabirch. First, I like the atmospherics, makes me feel like I'm there. But, a few nits pulled me out again.

1. 'placing her feet on the': might be better with: placing her feet one after the other on the...

2. You might consider deleting 'rock' from that sentence as well.

3. 'until an earthkin made': If it's a proper noun, should it be capitalised?

4. 'She and Connacht had climbed high enough they stood inside the clouds.': I see a deleted that, that perhaps should have been left there. What do you think?

Hope this is useful.

Phil.

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rabirch
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Thanks for the comments, Phil.

On points 2 and 4, you're right. 'Rock' and 'that' are probably extraneous.

On point 3, I've gone back and forth with myself on this. I don't want to pull a Tolkien and capitalize everything, but I had the same sort of initial instinct that you did.

I appreciate you taking the time to comment!

Rebecca

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babooher
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I kept thinking everything here was flipped around oddly. I thought the clauses in your first sentence should change place. I thought "The seer had said the sun wouldn't shine..." sounded better than putting the seer last. I don't know why, but I found it just felt backwards.

I would not capitalize "earthkin" if it means human. If it is a tribe or something, I'd capitalize.

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rabirch
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Thanks for your comments, Babooher. I was aware of the kind of odd cadence to the telling--kind of hoping for a more old-time, mythic sort of vibe. Appears that it doesn't come across well.

I've got lots of editing to do on this one, so I'll add that into the pot for consideration as I go through my next pass.

Thank again!

Rebecca

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