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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » 1st 13 and request for review

   
Author Topic: 1st 13 and request for review
SASpencer
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My tall ears quivered at the scent of an un-bonded Hulldri female on my way to the Black Bear Tavern in Satben. A small voice inside my head said not to turn the corner, but her scent drew me. She was familiar, but she had slighted me before. Her beautiful cerulean eyes shining in the moonlight came towards me. I smiled, showing my canines and winked. She said, “You smell half-breed.”
What can I say? Every Juvelian animal with nostrils smells, the purpose of snouts. Besides, I had sniffed her, different from smelling, having to do with pheromones, and her lilac sniff left me wanting less, I told myself. Hulldri are rude, even to each other, who needs that? So, I told my reluctant feet to keep walking. My elbow lightly touched her long white filo plumes

This is my revised 13 of Amalgamation. My story is ready, would anyone like to critique?

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History
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Lots of good stuff in here.
The emphasis is on "lots", and perhaps it is a wee bit too much info too fast. I want more show (more senses) than tell.

First sentence is a bit long for me. While I imagine one (especially if one is part animal) could sense one's own ears "quivering", it seems more a visual description and, being a first person narrative, the protagonist would not see his own ears. But this could be just me.

For first person stories, I like a short first sentence hook that draws me in to the story, perhaps right into the moment. E.g. Her scent drew me.

Then describe the scent in sensate terms. Is it musky? Is it like perfume, a mixture of jasmine and hyacinth? Or both.*

After this, tell me its "an un-bonded Hulldri female" and follow with where the character is and going and why the scent was familiar, and if it means trouble for him (deprecation for being a half-breed? Does he have self-esteem issues or only finds such interactions annoying?).

I love "cerulean eyes in the moonlight" but dislike "and winked" (he does not want to attract her attention, right?) and "lilac sniff" (do you mean scent?) and "the purpose of snouts" sentence.

I suspect the scene goes on to an interesting exchange between them, but the set-up is just a little jumbled for me. Good luck with this. I get the intimation of an interesting world.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

* Or is it like "lilac" as you note later? Does this signify anything? "Pheromones" affect other members of a species. Does hers indicate anything? Is she looking for a mate, or just trouble, since he tells his "feet to keep walking"?

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SASpencer
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Lot's of good stuff here, as in suggestions, but not too much.
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pidream
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I agree with a lot of what Dr, Bod says, but here my 2 cents.

My tall ears quivered at the scent of an un-bonded Hulldri female on my way to the Black Bear Tavern in Satben.
1.I’d cut long, unless his extremely long ears are a trademark or come into play later, as ell as in Satben, as it tightens up the sentence and could be stated at a later place in the story.
A small voice inside my head said not to turn the corner, but her. She was familiar, but she had slighted me before.
2.Re-write for flow and clarity, maybe- I knew, I shouldn’t turn the corner . . . but her scent drew me. She and her insults were familiar to me but I couldn't resist.
Her beautiful cerulean eyes shining in the moonlight came towards me. I smiled, showing my canines and winked. She said, “You smell half-breed.”
3.I’d cut beautiful because: cerulean eyes shining in the moonlight- is a good line and shows how beautiful they are. Showing is always better than telling.
What can I say? Every Juvelian animal with nostrils smells, the purpose of snouts. Besides, I had sniffed her, different from smelling, having to do with pheromones, and her lilac sniff left me wanting less, I told myself.
4.I would cut- animal because unless they’re multiple species who show prejudice by calling each animals then it’s not needed. I would suggest a re-write to, maybe- We Juvelians can tell more about each other from one smell than most but to sniff was more intimate letting a female know were interested. Just suggesting.
Hulldri are rude, even to each other, who needs that? So, I told my reluctant feet to keep walking. My elbow lightly touched her long white filo plumes
5.I would suggest you look at your word flow and the connections they make. Example: Hulldri, are always rude, to everyone . . . who needs that? I have noticed before you attribute actions to your feet, hands and elbows that are really controlled by your brain. Try re-thinking the way you say it. Maybe- I suggestively brushed her white filo plume as I passed.
I think you’re getting better with each pass and please don’t take this as me thinking I am a great writer just my opinion of what I am reading. Keep at it.

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SASpencer
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Thanks. I will keep at it. I am incorporating these ideas and will have another revision.
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