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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » The Takers

   
Author Topic: The Takers
pidream
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Member # 9544

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Nady slogged through the icy slush covered meadow and up to the edge of the dark wood. She stopped and gazed long and hard at the dry branches that lay scattered on the ground at the base of the huge oak. The great tree's branches over-lapped each other like thatch on a roof so tightly they prevented last night's dusting of snow from reaching the ground. She wondered if the snow ever touched the forest floor, or if the iron-gray winter sky ever penetrated into the dark tangle of Takers' Wood.

She stood there shivering, pondering whether she really wanted to risk entering or not.

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babooher
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On the threshold of adventure, we stop to ponder should we go forth! I think a pause to take stock and really decide if the heroine WANTS the adventure makes sense. It shows uncertainty, doubt, humility. Makes the protagonist more approachable. And Takers' Wood sounds cool to me. I'd read on.
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Wylde
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quote:
icy slush covered meadow
This description is redundant. Is it icy or slushy?

I like Taker's Wood as well and think you should use the name of the forest in the first sentence instead of dark wood. The paragraph helps describe the wood so there is no need to put the cliched "dark wood" up with such a lovely name.

quote:
gazed long and hard
The verb here means to look at something in a steady way for a long time so long and hard aren't needed. Let the verb do its job.

quote:
like thatch on a roof so tightly
I love the picture you paint "like thatch on a roof" but then you follow it up with a superfluous adverb. Thatch on a roof is woven tight to keep out the elements so we already know its done tightly.

As it is now, I wouldn't read more because of the cliche and redundancy. However, looking past that to just the idea, I like the premise and it has potential.

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